'Boys will be boys' is a major cop out for crap parenting

"Stop reinforcing stereotypes; angry boys will turn into angry men and look at where that's put us."

Recently at a sporting event my daughters were taking part in, I noticed some boys of a similar age (around 10 or 11) being physically aggressive with each other.

These boys who were not affiliated with the club my daughters were a part of. They very boisterously yelled quite offensive words and insults throughout the day - it wasn’t comfortable to be around, and it was being noticed by everyone.

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"Boys will be boys!"

The mother of one of these boys, who like me, watched on as this continued throughout the day-long event, finally said, “Boys will be Boys, hey?!” Laughing as she said it, buying into every negative male stereotype of being loud and displaying 'masculinity'.

At the time, I didn’t say anything back to her. Instead, I offered a polite smile and chose to take the high road, which now in retrospect I don’t think was very high at all.

The reality is “boys will be boys, “typical boys,” and any lines similar, aren’t legitimate descriptions or observations of behaviour; they are a parenting cop-out pure and simple.

And with my polite smile, I helped perpetuate this dangerous ruse.

I say “dangerous” because using these sorts of phrases provides excuses for boys’ bad behaviour. Worse, it can legitimise it and be viewed as a green light for them to keep going. I mean if they know that physically hurting or aggressively yelling at or around someone, and it will just be brushed off or even laughed about, why would they stop?

So let’s be honest, “boys will be boys” is an excuse for parents who say it, and a very shitty and outdated one at that.

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"It's a toxic message"

Looking at the history books, the phrase was first recorded in 1589, originating from a Latin proverb: "Children (boys) are children (boys) and do childish things."

And while in many ways our society has progressed since the 1500s, it seems when it comes to this phrase and the meaning behind it, we are stuck in the Middle Ages.

Now, centuries on, here we are still uttering this toxic messaging, and often, like in my recent experience, that’s the only discussion had about the unacceptable behaviour just exhibited.

There was no follow-up, no reprimanding of their violent and offensive behaviour; instead, they were permitted to continue doing it.

While I know some people will roll their eyes and dismiss this viewpoint as ‘woke’ or as the reason why we have so many ‘snowflakes’ these days, the truth is, the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative enables boys and then teenagers and then gown men to get away with negative, aggressive, and violent behaviour.

Image: iStock

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No, not every boy punching his ‘mate’ will grow up and do the same, or worse, but some will. It's just too widely accepted in childhood.  And not only will they do this, but they will also think it is normal and acceptable to do this because it is just a part of being a male.

This 90s self-help book view that men are from Mars (and can punch, hit and kick) and women are from Venus (and cannot) isn’t very accurate; something neuroscientist, Lise Eliot has done extensive research into, finding that the brains of girls and boys are not all that different.

Instead, she shows that it is outdated and incorrect stereotypes like this that perpetuate unacceptable views and behaviour, and when upheld, continue not only to permit but encourage it.

But we should not excuse or normalise any behaviour that hurts others physically or emotionally, regardless of gender. These behaviours should be reprimanded, and they should be discussed with the children who do it, with fair, safe, healthy, and respectful views and behaviours encouraged to take their place.

Doing this is good parenting, excusing poor behaviour based on gender, is not.

The truth is biology does not make a boy violent. Biology does not make a boy aggressive.

Biology does not make a boy foul-mouthed. Biology does not make a boy show friendship or romantic interest through acts of violence or verbal abuse.

It’s time we stop with toxic messages around gender and excusing bad behaviour as biology - because nothing will change if we don't.

Originally published as 'Boys will be boys' is a major cop out for crap parenting