As a 38-year-old mum, I think how that could have so easily been us

"How do I take my baby to daycare tomorrow at Bondi Junction? How do I walk the path they walked - the women and mums who tragically never came home?"

Westfield Bondi Junction is my second home; I go most Saturday afternoons with my mum and my toddler, Nate. Had it not been for family in town and a sunny day, we would have been there on the weekend just gone.

Instead, I got a message from a friend saying, “Something is going on in the junction.”

Unaware of the horror, my first instinct was to check on my mum. She wouldn’t hesitate to go there alone because I hadn’t gone. 

Thankfully, she answered on the first ring. Hearing the panic in my voice, she told me she was home. I was relieved Mum was safe, but that feeling didn’t last long. 

As the horrific details emerged, I lost control of my emotions when hearing a 38-year-old mother had died protecting her nine-month-old baby. 

That could have been me.

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RELATED: 'She was trying to save her baby': Tragic details emerge as Bondi mum killed

It happened in my backyard

I started to play it out in my mind; what would I do? Could I get Nate out of the harness in time and out of harm's way? Would I have the instincts that Ashlee did, handing her baby over to strangers to save her life? How would I get them to safety if I was there alone with my three kids? 

It is every parent's worst nightmare, and it happened in my backyard. I feel that way about The Junction because that’s how often I’m there. 

If you're worried about how recent events are affecting your child, listen and subscribe to Kidspot's podcast Mum Club. Paediatric Psychologist, Amanda Abel, shares how to speak to children about worrying events and signs to look out for that tell they might be struggling.

This is where Mum and I go to “mooch around” - when we have nothing on but want something to do. We know the shops, the shortcuts, which lifts are faster, and the ideal parking spot.

It’s a home away from home.

It’s where my baby goes to daycare.

It’s where I feel safe. And because I feel safe, my kids feel safe there.

Nate knows it’s one escalator ride from daycare to the ride-ons, ultimately where the horrifying events occurred. I don’t stand over him to keep guard and scour for danger. But now I will. 

Even though this was an anomaly, it’s a scar that will never heal. 

Me and the boys at the movies. Source: supplied

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"Mummy is too scared right now"

How do I take Nate to daycare tomorrow? How do I walk along the path these mothers and women walked over the weekend but sadly never came home? 

How do I walk him in, turn around, and leave him there?

I know in my head he’s safe; there’s a code to enter the centre and a lock on the nursery door. But it doesn’t matter because I no longer feel safe. 

My tradition during the school holidays is to take the boys to The Junction to see a movie and give them a $20 budget to spend in Kmart. They have already asked when our movie-present "date" is. I want to say yes, but at the moment, I can only say, "Mummy is too scared right now."

I am supposed to be their protector, the calm in the storm. But right now, I'm not.

Sweet moments captured on one of our many visits. Source: supplied

For mothers, a shopping centre is your best friend

When you become a mum, your local shopping centre becomes your best friend. You go to escape the confines of your home and, more often than not, run into another mother doing the same, counting down the minutes to the next nap. 

That was Westfield Bondi Junction for me. It was my mother's group spot. It was easy to park, wide enough for multiple prams without aggravating anyone, and even if they didn’t go into the play centre, it was plenty stimulating for babies and toddlers. 

So when your safe space is taken away, and so many wonderful memories are obliterated, where do you go? What do we do now?

Originally published as As a 38-year-old mum, I think how that could have so easily been us