ADVICE NEEDED: Should I let my daughter's boyfriend spend the night?

"She snuck him in, even though we said no!" Kidspot writer, Jordana, offers some teen-related advice for a reader's dilemma.

A mother needs advice about her teenage daughter who wants to have her boyfriend stay over. She said no and her daughter "threw a major fit and doesn’t understand why it’s not allowed." 

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Advice Needed

Recently, our daughter asked to have her boyfriend stay over. My partner and I said it was not allowed, no boyfriends are to spend the night.

Without discussing it further she walked away. It wasn't until later that we discovered that she had already snuck him in.  When they were caught out - nothing scandalous but he was in her room. We drove him home and she threw a major fit and doesn’t understand why it’s not allowed.

I explained that these are our house rules and we do not view it as appropriate. Are we wrong?

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Jordana's Advice

Parents of teens, I bow-down to you, every decision you make will cause a meltdown, not too dissimilar to a toddler to be honest. Without knowing the full picture of your daughter's relationship and your house rules, I will offer what I would do and also what happened in my house. My husband and I have been together since we were 17 - so I can relate. 

It wasn't appropriate for your daughter to sneak him in. In reality she should have told the truth that she wanted to him to spend the night - and ask how best to facilitate this, on the couch or in a guest room etc. that way she would have earned your trust. 

I would open the conversation about having her boyfriend spend the night, after explaining that she does need to understand that there are consequences as she broke your trust and house rules. 

"Because, I said so" - is a no no for teens

Saying "because I said so," isn't really going to work for teenagers - they aren't toddlers - and even they sometimes need a bit more than that!

When tension isn't high and she is calm again (as well as yourself), open up the conversation. The reality is, they are teens and will find a way to be together, whether it's under your roof or not. You can't be with her all day every day. It is your home and your rules to apply, but as she gets older, it's important to revisit and maybe bend the rules a little - to maintain the relationship with your daughter as well.

As they are young, they will find a go-around - it's best that they know that you approve of their relationship - so that she is comfortable coming to you as she gets older.

Ask her about her boyfriend, if they are in a committed relationship, she is consenting (and understands what they means) and if they are comfortable with the next steps they are taking by being intimate. Once you understand more and trust that she is ready for that (or maybe she already has), that's ok too, be supportive, don't shame her and ensure that they are safe - you can still set boundaries even if they are in a sexualty active relationship. 

Image: iStock

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Yes and...your boundaries matter

You can lay some ground rules, rather than just saying yes and the next thing you know, you have another child under your roof. My parents had parameters around my boyfriend (now husband) staying over, and I stuck to them and appreciated it. 

For instance, if she's still at school, not sleep overs on a school night or during exam time. She has to let you know in advance what nights, so that you can mentally prepare for having a non-family member in the house. I understand if you have someone there, you might not feel comfortable. Likewise she has to do the same if she sleeps over there. If you wish for them to be in a separate room, you can that's entirely up to you, again it's your home. But still know, they will find a way to be together. 

While your house rules and boundaries are important, it's equally important that your daughter not feel shame for being sexually active. It can lead to repression and guilt later in life. And will also put a strain on your relationship. 

A 2003 survey by Statistics Netherlands found that two thirds of Dutch fifteen to seventeen-year-olds with steady boy- or girlfriends are allowed to spend the night with them in their bedrooms, and that boys and girls are equally likely to get permission for a sleepover. Despite the laid-back attitude about sex in the Netherlands, Dutch teens have been shown to have fewer sexual partners and wait longer before having sex. They also have much lower rates of both pregnancy and abortion, most likely due to the fact that birth control is very easy to acquire in this country. While you might not living in the Netherlands, it's important to consider what sex positivity with boundaries looks like. 

I hope this helps, while boyfriends may come and go, your relationship with your daughter is what's important - for the future especially. Best of luck with sleepovers! 

Originally published as ADVICE NEEDED: Should I let my daughter's boyfriend spend the night?