A woman 'acted like she'd been shot' when my toddler had a public meltdown

"I wasn’t embarrassed because my daughter was crying, I was embarrassed because I saw a grown adult behave like a child," Sydney mum Kate shares.

My daughter is still learning how lifts and escalators work and is terrified of them.

Sometimes she'll hold my hand and walk in or walk on with ease, though most times she'll cry so I have to carry her while using them or kneel down with her for extra comfort while using them.

Whilst grocery shopping this last weekend a much older woman with her trolley of groceries showed me that gentle parenting is rare. She instantly started behaving like she'd been shot. My daughters' crying sent her into a meltdown!

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Source: Instagram/@KateHeussler

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"She acted like she'd been shot"

The woman started shrieking, her body convulsing and wobbling around like she'd been shot, her hands went up to her ears like a jet engine had exploded in front of her face.

I stood there completely shocked at her over the top reaction whilst trying to comfort my daughter. I wasn’t embarrassed because my daughter was crying, I was embarrassed because I saw a grown adult behave like a child.

The worst thing was she was behaving like this, because clearly in her era, children were meant to be seen and not heard. My daughter 'being human' wasn't ok and she made a point of telling me about it.

As a modelling, confidence and etiquette coach, I'm always being asked about manners - what's appropriate, what's not.

Personally, I'm not a fan of screaming and crying children either. Of course, it’s irritating and inconvenient. However, they are little people with big emotions and need an adult to help them self-regulate.

It's on me (and all of us as adults) to manage our own triggers, emotions and reactions, because at the end of the day children aren't behaving badly when they're angry, upset, frustrating, tired or anything other than happy; they're being human.

It's our role to show them how and this learning phase takes time. 

Fast forward to adulthood, how many of us adults don't get angry, cry or have some form of outburst? Exactly. We do it all the time. 

How is it we have one standard for adults, and an unrealistic standard for children?

Source: Instagram/@KateHeussler

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"Don't worry what other people think"

My advice if you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, if someone around you has an unexpected reaction to a situation like this, is this:

Don't worry about what other people think, they probably don't care

For most parents, it’s the thought of being judged that makes public meltdowns feel so demeaning. 

Dirty looks from strangers like ‘my friend’ in the grocery store can make you want to go and hide in the toilets. Though remember this - most people are very self-interested and don't really care what's happening around them that much, they've got their own "to do list"; onlookers care less than you think.

Also, other parents around you have 'been there'  - meltdowns happen to every parent. Some people do lack the ability to empathise with a parent attempting to soothe a crying child, though the majority probably just wish they could help you reach a state of calm (and are thankful it’s not them in the situation).

Stay focused on your child

If they need a cuddle, some food, some boundaries... snack, or a hug, try and work out what they need....You’re the only one that can decide what your child needs at that moment in time.

You can let them know you’re thinking of them by agreeing to do something they’d like next. Like stopping at the park before going home. Your child takes precedence over the lady with the trolley of groceries with the look of repulsion on her face. Let go of her, focus on your little one(s). 

Manage it in public the same way you would at home

Many parents and caregivers say that they manage a meltdown differently in public than at home, mostly because they’re anxious about what onlookers are thinking.

Remember that you’re in charge here. While you may worry what others will think if you soothe, don’t soothe, ignore, uphold a boundary, etc., do what you know works best for you and your child.

Are you one to say that ‘hitting or belting’ your child is discipline? Be prepared to be reported. If someone hit you at work because ‘you weren’t doing what you were told’ you’d report them to management and the Police and there would be legal consequences. And that’s between people who are nearly the same size… you are much larger and dominating (and scary) to a child. What’s the difference?

Stay calm and don't raise your voice

This is a hard one, I know, remember you’re the adult here, they need your calming influence.

When you notice your child starting to get worked up, make sure you keep your own voice calm, low and slow. Not patronising but comforting.

This helps to keep you calm, and it’s soothing for your child. It might not stop them being irritable, but it will prevent them from getting worse. The aim of the game isn’t to stop outbursts altogether (suppressing feelings leads to longer term side effects that present in adulthood in all kinds of ways). 

Comments like “kids are snowflakes these days” or “back in my day” or “bunch of sissies” are the types of language and conversations that need to be retired. Believing that children these days should suffer in the same way you did means you in fact did not turn out ok. 

No one is perfect, and it’s ok to ask for help

Introducing our new podcast: Mum Club! Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode.

We now live in a world where parenting coaches, life coaches, counsellors, behavioural therapists, are the norm - this is because we, as adults, have had to outgrow and outlearn our own toxic traits (from our own childhood trauma) to break the cycle for the next generation. 

I‘m personally breaking the cycle of family and domestic violence in my line, and it’s been the most challenging and rewarding experience as a mother. This type of work is not for the weak and it’s a journey only you can take yourself.

Stay connected to people who will support you and what you’re doing and are prepared to grow and evolve with you. 

Kate Heussler (@KateHeussler) has been a professional model and is mum to a toddler. She’s also a successful businesswoman - in her digital course The Model Masterclass, Kate educates and trains the next generation of models entering the fashion industry, equipping them with the business and social skills they need to have a thriving career. Kate also has courses in branding, confidence and etiquette to people of all ages.

This article was updated in May 2024. 

Originally published as A woman 'acted like she'd been shot' when my toddler had a public meltdown