The one thing you should never do before a first date

You might want to keep things to yourself

You might want to stop opinion polling before a date. Image: Pexels

Are you guilty of gathering your friends' opinions before going on a date? Of course you are. But, as Dr Alissa Knight explains, opinion polling can do more harm than good.

We’ve all flicked a sneaky screenshot of a dating profile across to a friend asking, “Thoughts?” Or, more likely, forwarded the last 48 hours of text exchanges as you await the trial and verdict of your future with them.

The chat fires up. Sentence length, grammar, emojis, and timestamps are scrutinised one by one until the most experienced friend in the group announces the connection's time of death. Convinced by that full stop instead of a question mark, the connection is aborted.

Yes, we see you. And no one's hands are clean.

The bad news? A 2015 study from the US revealed that young women who rejected a partner based on a friend's advice faced more significant relationship problems and instability. So, we sought clinical psychologist Dr Alissa Knight to dig deeper into why we call for backup in the first place and how it can backfire if you get the balance of opinions wrong.

Why we seek approval

"From a psychological perspective, having the green light from our friends over our date choice fulfils many core needs," explains Knight. These needs include validation, approval, acceptance, security, and contentedness. We are wired to want to belong and be accepted by our social circles. Knight adds, “We trust their opinion the most, and we fear their disapproval even more.”

Knight also offers a welcome throwback to the Spice Girls that still resonates today: “If you wanna be our lover, you have to get with our friends.” She adds that it’s perhaps comforting “that in an increasingly hostile, high-stakes dating pool, we can rely on our friendships for better returns.” But just because it’s natural (and a banger of a track), it doesn’t mean it's helpful. 

The perils of crowdsourcing opinions

Knight warns that leaning on your friends for advice can lead to distorted perceptions. Friends' opinions are influenced by their values, life experiences, current stressors, and emotional baggage. No judgement—so are our opinions. But as a result, "they may not always be able to provide the most valid, non-biased opinion," she notes.

Their judgments might be more about them than your potential date, making it hard for you to know where the truth starts and their trauma ends. Consequently, their advice ends up tainting your future with the colour of their past insecurities or traumas – and future you becomes even more miserable.

The Anxiety trap

Another issue with calling for an emergency debrief or firing up the group chat is that you’re entertaining your overthinking, another pitfall in the dating process. And one that never ends well.

Knight explains, "Reflexive, procrastinating, overthinking about dating is a key driver of anxiety, and likely to sabotage your chances of finding happiness with someone."

Anxious thoughts can distort your perception of a potential partner, making you feel overwhelmed and inclined to abort the mission altogether. This anxiety often stems from viewing these thoughts as facts rather than what they are—self-protective mechanisms. But the result is that you connect dating with anxiety and end up finding dating unbearable altogether.

"The greatest gift you can teach yourself when it comes to anxiety around dating is to learn how to ride it, sit in it, and let it pass," Knight.

Strategies to combat dating anxiety

Opinion polling aims to get a clear answer, which often you have inside you. Try to clear your mind and rely on your intuition, making decisions based on rational thought rather than emotional turmoil. Knight suggests several effective strategies to manage dating anxiety:

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT): This can include psychological acupuncture or 'tapping' to relieve stress.

Changing your body temperature: You can force anxious thoughts to stop by drastically changing your body temperature. Knight suggests taking an ice pack from the freezer, placing it across your sinuses, and holding it with your hand. “Tip your head between your knees holding the ice pack, and hold your breath for 30 seconds. Slowly come up,” and repeat if needed.

Senses walk: Lastly, you can pause your anxious thoughts about dating by going outside, touching grass, and staring toward the sky. Engage your senses during a 20-minute walk and set yourself the goal of finding five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one to taste. Follow it up with a short 10-second burst of running. 

Originally published as The one thing you should never do before a first date