'My husband's ex-partner stalked me... and it took the police ages to take it seriously'

"I was scared, but I did nothing, hoping that if I ignored her, she would get bored and leave us alone... Each time I blocked an account, she would make a new one."

I was a single mum when I met my now-husband. The last time I’d been on the dating scene, I was a teenager, and the world had changed a bit since then.

Dating post-marriage is a daunting prospect in itself, but when you have children it’s an entirely different beast altogether.

Adam ticked all the boxes: kind, a gentleman, a devoted father – cute too. The pull towards each other was instant, but our courtship was careful and considerate. We both had children to think about.

Had I known from the outset a woman he once dated would go on to stalk me for three years, would that courtship have continued? It’s hard to say. I guess I’ll never know.

But we had fallen in love when I received the first message. We’d built the foundation of our beautiful, blended family, but what came next would certainly test its strength.

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Nicole Madigan was stalked by her husband Adam's ex-partner and has written a book about her experience. Picture: Supplied

"The words were vulgar, cruel, and filled with profanity"

We had been celebrating the AFL Grand Final the day the stalking started. Our friends and family had gone home, and we were cleaning up after a long day; our five children, crammed into one room, camping mattress surrounding the bunk beds.

The message was from what appeared to be a fake account – no profile picture, a ridiculous name incorporating my husband’s in an unpleasant play on words.

The messages came in a flurry. One after the other. The words were vulgar, cruel, and filled with profanity.

It was clear the woman knew my partner, that there’d been a relationship of some sort. I was in shock, disgusted and mortified. What I didn’t know, though, was that this would be the beginning of three years of stalking, an ordeal that would threaten to ruin my reputation, my relationships, and my mental health.

I blocked the account, but within two weeks, more messages arrived. This time from the sender’s personal account, with no attempt to hide who she was. She wanted me to know.

Over the next six months, the messages came thick and fast. They savaged my appearance,they made vulgar references to her past with my partner, they spoke of contacting my ex-husband, and alluded to some sort of future plan that would destroy my reputation or my life as I knew it. She tracked down my mother, sending crass messages and spreading lies.

Each time I blocked an account, she would make a new one.

I was scared, but I did nothing, hoping that if I ignored her, she would get bored and leave us alone. Then we received the screen shots. The images depicted a message exchange that at first glance, appeared to be between me and her - only they never took place.

It didn’t take long to realise she’d stolen my online identity, sending fake messages to herself, and distributing the screenshots to who knows who. Those messages would lead any reader to believe I was the aggressor, the one using foul language and sending unsolicited cruel messages. It was calculated. And scary.

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Nicole contacted the police three times before they took any serious action against her stalker. Picture: Supplied

"I began receiving text messages from a range of phone numbers"

Fearful, I decided to contact police, but was advised that making a formal report may inflame the stalker, possibly escalating the situation to a more dangerous level. Instead, he suggested writing a formal email to warn her to back off, or risk police action. We sent the email, and the messages stopped. For a while.

About six months later, I began receiving text messages from a range of phone numbers. The content and language told me it was her, and I was dumbfounded by the level of effort she seemed willing to go. I called police again, naively believing they could track down the owner of the phones via their SIM cards. I provided police with a history of the abuse, and the name of the woman who had been harassing me. This should be easy, I’d thought. After all, I’d recorded everymessage I’d ever received from her.

But it wasn’t. I was told there was nothing they could do. To keep a diary, and call Triple-0 if I felt I was in danger.

When the officer left, I broke down. Once again rendered helpless, with no course of action other than to sit and wait. That’s what makes stalking so traumatic. The waiting. You never know when it’s going to come, or where it’s going to come from.

We were packing up boxes in preparation to move to our new home, the first we’d bought together, when I received an alert from Instagram to tell me I’d been tagged in a post. When I saw her name, my heart began beating a little faster, and I breathed deeply before clicking the notification.

The post compared me to a soggy tart – ugly on the outside and made from leftovers. My account was tagged, my name used, and a warning in the hashtags: you’ll be hearing a lot more from me.

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Nicole Madigan wants to start a national conversation about stalking to help take steps towards change in tackling a global phenomenon. Picture: Supplied

"As the months passed, the posts became more personal"

I quickly Googled how to remove Instagram tags, and did so, but not before taking a screenshot of the post. From that point on, Instagram would become her new weapon of choice to attack me. Only now, the derogatory insults and offensive lies were laid bare to the public. For months, she would post frequent disturbing images and memes, establishing a selection of cruel nicknames for which to refer to me by. The posts were always accompanied by a string of grotesque, defamatory or just plain mean hashtags. Some were subtle in their meaning, others more direct.

Sometimes she’d post copycat images, implying the same likes or interests as me. Other times, she would allude to an upcoming revelation or impending attack, prompting a fresh bout of anxiety in me, as I waited for what was coming next.

As the months passed, the posts became more personal. The risk of identification was increasing. More concerning though, was the implied physical stalking that had crept in. Eventually, my address was posted online, the details of my impending wedding, and places we’d been. She implied she had relocated to our suburb.

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Nicole Madigan with her husband Adam. Picture: Supplied

"I instinctively kept records of every message, every text"

It was around this time I contacted police for the third time, this time via a cyber crime report. Months went by, the posts continuing all the while, until a police officer from my local station called me.

For the first time, my experience was taken seriously. The more I spoke, the more validated Ifelt, and more empowered I became to completely share my story. Without holding back, without shame. The process was a difficult one though, with the onus on the victim to provide the evidence required to enable police to lay a charge.

Being a journalist, I instinctively kept records of every message, every text, every abusive post. The result was a charge of Unlawful Stalking, and that validation from the justice system gave me my voice back. It gave me my power back.

But while I was ultimately offered protection via the courts, the process wasn’t easy, the system fundamentally flawed. Australia has a long way to go in both changing attitudes towards stalking, and training police to properly deal with a complex crime that wreaks havoc on the lives of victims.

Nicole Madigan's book Obsession which is available to buy online. Picture: Supplied

It’s the reason I decided to write my new book, Obsession. To examine the cause and consequence of society’s collective dismissal when it comes to the serious impacts of stalking.

Sharing stories changes lives. Saves lives. We need to have a national conversation about stalking. I hope that by sharing my story, other victim-survivors will have the courage to share theirs. With the power of numbers, we can take the first steps in generating change, to properly respond to this global phenomenon.

Nicole Madigan's book obsession can be purchased here.

Originally published as 'My husband's ex-partner stalked me... and it took the police ages to take it seriously'