‘It’s not straightforward’: Huge issue 1 in 3 Aussie parents have never discussed with their kids

It’s one of the most significant problems impacting Australian society today – and one that many parents and their kids have “never” discussed.

One in three Australian families have never talked about one of the biggest problems facing our population — exposing a fundamental disconnect between parents and their children when it comes to having what could be one of the most critical conversations of their life.

Research by News Corp’s Growth Distillery with Medibank found 28 per cent of parents with 16- to 30-year-old children have never discussed their mental wellbeing with their children, while about half of all parents (49 per cent) with kids in that age range agreed that they do — or would — find it hard to tell them they were experiencing challenges or struggling with their mental wellbeing.

It’s a problem that remains even when the roles are reversed. Almost two-thirds (62 per cent) of 18- to 30-year-olds said they would struggle to confide in their mum, dad or an older family member about their mental health — despite the fact 47 per cent of all young Australians described their parents as the number one relationship in their life who they wish they could talk to more.

Australia is in the grips of a mental health crisis, and people are struggling to know who to turn to, especially our younger generations. Can We Talk? is a News Corp awareness campaign, in partnership with Medibank, equipping Aussies with the skills needed to have the most important conversation of their life.

Unlike with a partner or a friend, the relationship between parents and their children is “rarely straightforward”, clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon said.

“Parents often feel that they’re there to care for their children, to make them feel safe, to bring them up so that they can become effective adults and often, they don’t want to worry their children in their childhood about things that might (then) worry them in the future.

‘Parents often feel that they’re there to care for their children, to make them feel safe, to bring them up so that they can become effective adults.’ Picture: Troy Snook

“So there is a really complex interplay of, ‘How do I talk with my child about mental health in a way that’s going to be useful and supportive to them without frightening them or without making them be too introspective and worried about things they needn’t be?’ … It can be very hard for parents to get onto the (same) wavelength to talk to their children about what’s really going on for them.”

On the flip side, according to headspace clinical advice and governance national manager, Caroline Thain, “we know that young people often turn to their peers first when discussing mental health.”

About two thirds of Gen Z respondents (68 per cent) speak to their partner about their mental wellbeing at least once a week, if not more often. Informal, peer-driven platforms like Instagram and TikTok also outpace established medical sources and experts as the primary resource of mental health and wellbeing information for our nation’s youngest.

“Wellbeing is deeply tied to feeling culturally connected and included,” Ms Thain said.

“If we’re not looking at a young person through a cultural lens, we risk missing the full picture. Every young person’s environment matters — their community, their culture, their identity. Understanding that helps us support them better.”

The attitudinal divide between generations when it comes to mental health cannot be overlooked, she said.

Though Australia has “come in leaps and bounds in even the last 20 years in building emotional literacy in school-aged children, there are still generations finding their voice when it comes to talking about mental health, and some generations may still be navigating outdated beliefs without stigma and worry”.

Ms Gordon echoed the sentiment — noting that parents in generations past, particularly baby boomers, “didn’t know that they were allowed to be vulnerable in front of their children”.

“We were brought up to be stoic. We were brought up to not talk about feelings — except perhaps (being in) love with our partner, but otherwise to just get on with it,” she said.

“Women were seen as hysterical if they were sad. Men certainly couldn’t show their sadness. They didn’t know they could be weak. And now we want parents to acknowledge that there is a vulnerability, and there are ways of dealing with it.”

The biggest barrier to having these conversations can often be ‘simply not knowing where to start’. Picture: Newswire/Gaye Gerard

Though “it is becoming easier, generation by generation, as we destigmatise the whole idea of mental illness”, such old-fashioned views can prohibit children from talking to their mum or dad about their difficulties “if they believe they can’t help them — if they believe their parents won’t understand them or they won’t support them, or they don’t have the resources to manage”, Ms Gordon said.

“I’ve met many children who have been wary of upsetting their parents, whom they feel are already burdened by life and find life too difficult themselves,” she added.

“Just because you (as a parent) have a mental health problem, doesn’t mean your child will feel that you can be sympathetic to them. They need to see that you can find strategies and solutions to manage your life in order for them to feel safe that you can help them manage theirs.”

Often the biggest barrier, Ms Thain said, “is simply not knowing where to start”.

“That uncertainty can lead to missed opportunities for connection and support,” she continued.

“But sharing the right amount of your own experience can actually help normalise these conversations.”

For headspace National Family Reference Group member Michelle Jane, supporting her two eldest children through their own respective mental health challenges “taught me that listening is often more powerful than speaking”.

“Busy lives can mean fewer chances for deep, honest conversations, and for some parents, mental health wasn’t something openly discussed growing up, which can make these talks feel unfamiliar or daunting,” Ms Jane said.

“(But) sharing our own mental health experiences with young people helps them feel less alone — it shows that these challenges are part of being human. It’s a chance to model healthy coping strategies and to normalise seeking help. Talking openly can also be a way to share what’s worked for us — how we’ve sought support and found ways to manage.”

headspace National Family Reference Group member Michelle Jane. Picture: Supplied

headspace Manager of Clinical Advice and Governance, Caroline Thain. Picture: Supplied

Ms Gordon said it’s about changing the language — not the message.

“Parents who are frightened are often frightened — and they’ve said in (News Corp’s Growth Distillery and Medibank’s survey) — because they don’t know the words to use, or they’re worried that they don’t know what they would do if their child told them that they were struggling,” she said.

“I think the most important thing about talking about mental illness and mental health crises in families is for everyone to know that everyone is vulnerable, but everyone will also have the resources if we work together to manage that vulnerability.”

When it comes to navigating conversations about mental health with your children, the most important thing is to “be honest, but thoughtful about what you share — your child shouldn’t feel responsible for solving your problems”, Ms Jane advised.

“Make it a two-way conversation. Let them ask questions and check in with how they’re feeling. Respect their autonomy. What worked for you might not work for them, and that’s OK,” she said.

It’s also OK to start small, Ms Gordon said, and “to not feel like you have to deal with everything in one conversation”.

“Just gently, as a parent, ask your child how they’re feeling today,” she suggested.

“Have them take the opportunity to identify different emotions that might occur in response to different events that occurred in their life. How did it make you feel when such and such did this? Or how did it make you feel when I yelled at you before? And talk about those feelings as a starting point.

“Don’t expect to get it all done. Stop and listen to the responses, and the responses will guide you as to the next step.”

Originally published as ‘It’s not straightforward’: Huge issue 1 in 3 Aussie parents have never discussed with their kids