For some, having a compliment directed their way isn’t always met with the appreciative response that the person giving it may expect.

In fact, for those who aren’t so open to hearing and accepting kind words said about them, these messages can be worse than hearing criticism, generating a sense of discomfort, embarrassment, or cringe. 

While from a surface level, this can appear to be a sign of modesty, Dr Rebecca Ray, clinical psychologist, and author of Difficult People, says it can also be a sign of something more concerning.

"Many people find it challenging to accept compliments due to low self-worth, a fear of appearing arrogant,” she says.

Additionally, Dr Ray says that past experiences and negative core beliefs can also contribute to someone finding it hard to accept a compliment. 

Another factor that can shape the way we accept, or don’t accept compliments, is cultural conditioning that discourages self-praise. 

Many Asian countries such as China, for example, are socialised to view accepting compliments as disrespectful, while here in Australia, Dr Ray says that we are “notorious for downplaying our achievements and preferring self-deprecating language so as not to appear ‘up ourselves.’” 

The thing about compliments though, is although they may feel awkward, if you can learn to accept them, they are like a magic soup for the soul, helping many people to feel recognised and energised.

“Think of accepting compliments as an essential ingredient for boosting self-worth and contributing to a positive self-image. It also strengthens the connection between you and the person giving the compliment,” says Dr Ray.

How can you tell if someone you know finds accepting compliments hard?

If you’ve never had trouble accepting a compliment, it can be tricky to know what to do when faced with someone who does, especially if you have just given them one. You may not even realise that praising them for something has made them feel uncomfortable. 

On the other hand, you may not be great at accepting compliments yourself but not realise this is the case until someone points it out. 

If you’re unsure, some signs to look out for, include:

• Dismissing or downplaying the compliment (‘Oh, it was nothing’)
• Deflecting the compliment with self-criticism or humour
• Reversing the compliment back to the person giving the praise (‘I’m not the talented one, you are!’
• Quickly changing the subject
• Showing visible discomfort or awkwardness or not making eye contact

In conjunction with these signs, if you’re uncomfortable receiving compliments you can also have unhelpful thoughts that critically question why the compliment is being given in the first place.

This can include thoughts like:

• They don’t really mean it. 
• They are just trying to be nice.
• They are being smarmy.
• They must want something from me.
• If I accept a compliment it means I am being big-headed.
• If I accept a compliment they may think I am vain.
• It’s too embarrassing to say something back.

If you’ve ticked off one or more of the descriptions on the lists above and are ready to embrace some praise, Dr Ray has provided some actionable steps to help.

Practice gratitude

“When someone compliments you, simply say ‘Thank you’ and allow yourself to feel grateful for their kind words.”

While you shouldn’t feel the need to respond it’s also important to look at the person who is giving the compliment and keep eye contact, so they know you have heard their words and don’t interrupt.

Reflect on the compliment

“Take a moment to consider what the compliment means and why the person gave it to you. This reflection can help you internalise the positive feedback.”

Avoid self-deprecation

“Resist the urge to downplay or deflect the compliment. Accept it at face value.”

Acknowledge achievements 

“Keep a journal of compliments and positive feedback you receive. Reviewing this can reinforce your self-worth over time.”

Practice self-compassion

“Be kind to yourself and recognise that accepting compliments is a form of self-care and respect.”

Finally, like most things in life, practice helps, so if you’re someone who usually cringes when hearing a compliment, keep following the tips above until they become a habit.