Could Esther Perel's new Hinge prompts change the way we date?

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Feel trapped in a cycle of matching and never having a real, fulfilling conversation on the apps? Esther Perel and Hinge can fix that.

Feel like you could give up on dating if you have to have one more chat based solely on small talk?

I personally don’t want to talk about where you went to school, what your hobbies are or how many siblings you have; none of these things make for interesting conversation.

Hinge has apparently heard our dating woes and enlisted the help of psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel. 

Prompts to spark conversation

The New York Times bestselling author said, "as a couples therapist, I've spent decades observing relationships at all stages. I've seen that love often starts with an invitation: to talk, to connect, to share stories, to explore the world together. And the right invitations elicit curiosity, inspire playfulness, and break daters out of old scripts,”

She has co-created 10 new prompts aiming to invite daters to ‘spark deeper, more meaningful conversations’.

We’ll now have the option to go beyond the classic ‘biggest risk I’ve taken…’ and ‘worst idea I’ve ever had…’ prompts, which can leave us matching and never speaking, to the new ‘Your World’ collection, including ‘it’s not a vacation unless…’, ‘I could stay up all night talking about…’, ‘in my friend group, I’m the one who…’ and ‘before we meet, you should listen to…’.

She has co-created 10 new prompts aiming to invite daters to ‘spark deeper, more meaningful conversations’. Image: Hinge

But if it still feels like a hard slog to get the conversation to a place where you actually want to go on a date with this person, the psychotherapist is here to help. 

Esther Perel invites daters to get each other talking

People love to talk about themselves, and giving someone space to share their stories with you is the quickest way to bond.

Perel says, “when you ask questions that inspire a story vs. a short answer, you get to understand the other person better, you can see them in the greater context of their past, their present, and their connections to others.”

Questions like ‘what do you do, what do you do for fun, where do you stay’ lead to direct and closed answers. Image: Pexels

Hinge’s love and connection expert, Moe Ari Brown agreed, pointing out that “questions like ‘what do you do, what do you do for fun, where do you stay’ lead to direct and closed answers. They don’t make for great dialogue”.

His suggested swaps? 

Try adding in a ‘what lights you up these days’ or ‘what memory would you relive if you could’.

Finally found your go-to line to start a chat? Throw it out.

There is no script for dating, and there doesn’t need to be

The apps can make us fall into a script of sorts when talking to someone new. 

You find a line that gets a passionate response from a handful of people? You may feel compelled to stick with it, make it your top prompt, send it as an opener, or use it as your first date question. It can start to feel like a part of a playbook. 

Finally found your go-to line to start a chat? Throw it out. 

You want this date, this relationship, this new connection to unfold differently than all the others? Don’t start with the same script. Image: Supplied

Perel says, “I once spoke with a man who told me he literally scripted out each of his dates before he went to meet someone for the first time. He’d plan what he’d say, dream about how they’d respond, and so on.” 

“He entered into each date with extraordinary expectations and left little room for getting to know the person sitting across from him. So I suggested, next time he made a date and wrote a script, to create a new ritual by setting the script on fire.”

“You want this date, this relationship, this new connection to unfold differently than all the others? Don’t start with the same script”, the expert advises. 

Brown adds that to form a deeper connection, you need to take in what your date’s saying, rather than rushing to keep the conversation going.  Image Getty

“Start with a few new questions or stories instead, and allow the date to unfold without so much expectation. Even if the encounter ends up being a love story instead of a life story, you may find a lot of beauty in being present for experiencing it for what it is.”

Brown adds that to form a deeper connection, you need to take in what your date’s saying, rather than rushing to keep the conversation going. 

“Mutual presence really helps build a connection.” Image: Unsplash

“When someone shares something reflective, slow down and really take in what they shared. Don’t fire off new questions about other topics before you follow up on what they shared and get curious about that”, he said. 

“Mutual presence really helps build a connection.”

But can still of course guide the chat, and the love commentator says, “if you want to play, initiate it. If you want depth, model it. If you want honesty, offer it first. If a conversation feels stale, be the one to shift the energy.” 

Originally published as Could Esther Perel's new Hinge prompts change the way we date?