There is no denying in Australia we are at a critical junction in our discussion about domestic and family violence. We’re less than 2 months into 2024 and already 11 women have lost their lives, and 2023 saw the final tally for the year hit a staggering 74.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics 27 per cent of women have experienced DV, which shows we have a lot of work to do to make change happen. 

In so many instances where women have lost their lives due to violence, their friends say they wish they’d known how to better support her. In the documentary The Tara Brown Story, the recurring theme from interviews with Tara's dearest family and friends was that they knew something was happening, but they didn't know how to safely help.  

If we want to end the scourge of violence across our country, it’s up to us all as bystanders to recognise the roles we can each play. When someone you know or love is in an abusive relationship, it can feel like walking a tightrope - we want to be supportive and empathetic - but we want it to stop. Here is our best advice:

Try not to be judgmental

This is the cornerstone of effective bystander intervention. When someone confides in you about abuse, they are not seeking judgement; they need support and understanding. Try not to use statements like  "I would never tolerate that" or "Why don't you just leave?". It’s hard not to wonder but questions like this can make the person feel further isolated and ashamed. Instead, try to listen and provide a safe space of friendship.

Don’t put an expiry date on your support

This could be a long haul process because leaving an abusive relationship is a complex process that varies greatly for each person. It’s important to try and be a consistent source of support -  you may be the only source of support. For some people the decision to leave is made in a day, for others much later or never, or perhaps they don’t have the option of ever making that decision.

Know the boundaries

As a bystander, it's essential to understand the boundaries of your influence. You can offer emotional support and help identify resources, but you can’t or shouldn’t try to force action. 

Have conversations filled with respect

There is never a better week than this to talk about respectful conversations. If you see behaviour that concerns or upsets you, if you feel safe to - approaching both the victim and the perpetrator and expressing your worries can be very powerful.

You can talk about what you witnessed, how it affected you, and you can offer your support. By doing this you validate the experience of the victim while also holding the perpetrator to account in a safe way. Many of us know perpetrators of violence, and love or have loved them, so being able to let them know you support them to help and assist them in navigating the situation. 

Know how to act if you need to

When you see violence or abuse, how you respond as a bystander matters a lot. A direct approach can make things worse. We recommend looking at the situation and using subtle tactics when needed to prevent more harm and provide quick relief. One helpful tactic is distraction. It's like a pause button, stopping the violence without directly confronting it. For example, if someone is being verbally abusive on a train, a distraction could be as simple as asking for the time or dropping something. This pause gives the person being targeted a moment to gather themselves, and it might make the person causing harm rethink their actions. This kind of approach often gets other bystanders to step in and offer support too.

Equip yourself with the knowledge and tools to make a real difference

MATE Bystander have created the  'Be There' app, available free for all Australians. This app guides you through bystander techniques and provides various tools and resources, empowering you to take action. It even has a lockable journaling option, allowing you to reflect on incidents privately and securely.

Violence and abuse are unfortunately common across Australia and bystanders have a crucial role to play. By equipping yourself with the knowledge and resources needed, you can intervene appropriately and make a meaningful difference. It's all about being prepared, well-informed, and, most importantly, being there for those who need it.