Cancer patient’s trauma: ‘No manual on being a good survivor’

You might expect those who have beaten breast cancer to be euphoric, but one survivor says the reality can be far different.

A young Brisbane woman has revealed the guilt and anxiety she suffers after beating aggressive breast cancer – saying she’d prefer the disease to the “trauma of survival”.

Amanda MacRae’s incredible admission comes as the 32-year-old calls for built-in support to help people recover psychologically.

“Give me cancer and chemo any day – it’s easier to deal with because you know what you’re up against,” said Ms MacRae, a data entry operator from Forest Lake.

“Afterwards, you’re in an unknown place; there is no manual on how to be a good survivor.

“Doctors say, ‘you’re in remission, off you go’.

“Everyone expects you to move on, you’ve got a second chance, and I feel guilty that I can’t.

“I struggle to be out in the world, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

Ms MacRae, who has battled suicidal thoughts, was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in April 2021. She was only 30.

The lump she felt was initially diagnosed as a benign cyst, but an ultrasound two weeks later revealed a different, dire result.

And in that short time, the cancer had grown from 4cm to 7cm.

Triple negative breast cancer is found in 15 per cent of breast cancer sufferers and has a greater chance of developing into a metastatic stage, with higher relapse and lower survival rates, according to Breast Cancer Trials, a group of doctors and researchers based in Australia and New Zealand

Cancer survivor Amanda MacRae felt bereft in remission. Picture: Nigel Hallett

Because it lacks the three most common receptors known to make breast cancers grow – oestrogen, progesterone and HER2 (human epidermal growth factor receptor 2) – it is unresponsive to traditional medications.

“It’s the worst one I could have got – and there is no family history,” Ms MacRae said.

In August last year, after 40 weeks of chemotherapy, three weeks of radiation and a lumpectomy, she was told she was in remission.

But she has continued to struggle.

“The trauma of survival is a taboo subject – society expects you to be happy all the time because you’ve dodged a bullet, but that’s not realistic,” she said.

“Your brain has been in fight mode the whole time you’ve been sick, and it’s hard to switch back – you’re constantly anxious and trying to protect yourself.

“The loss of my identity, the chance I won’t be able to conceive children naturally, the ongoing medical side effects including nausea and diarrhoea, and crocodile-leathery skin – suddenly, you’re a different you.”

Ms MacRae, who has started seeing a Sunshine Coast-based psychologist who deals with cancer patients, said mental health support needed to be offered during and after treatment.

“The real battle is fought psychologically,” she said.

“During treatment I faced crippling depression, loneliness and suicidal thoughts. I misleadingly let everyone believe I was coping … but at the point I realised I needed help, I could only handle cancer.”

Amanda MacRae during treatment