Can you cheat in your dreams?

What can our dreams really mean?

Our dreams can sometimes feel so real, we're left wondering if we really want them to be. But should we feel guilty if we're dreaming about people other than our partners?

What do our dreams really mean? Sometimes they feel so real. Like when you wake up in sweats having breathlessly run away from someone or something for what feels like hours; only to realise that it’s 3 am and you’re in bed. Sometimes, they feel poignant. Like an experience you never thought you’d have; an opportunity to try something without actually doing it.

Truth be told, I have dreams about having sex with women all the time. It’s something I’ve done before but not for a few years, because I’m in a relationship. But it’s as though that particular pleasure place lives somewhere inside my subconscious. Occasionally I’ll revisit it consciously when I’m in self-pleasure mode or indulging in a moment of nostalgia, but mostly I don’t think about women in an overtly sexual way — despite being attracted to them.

I discovered I was into women in my early twenties, when I looked into a female colleague’s eyes at a work party and felt something familiar but foreign. We ended up making out in the storage closet — the irony isn’t lost on me — for most of the night and my perspective of myself, sexual pleasure and feminine sexuality changed forever. Now, I recognise that specific eye contact with women whenever it happens. It’s female sexual attraction. It feels different to the attraction I feel towards men; less animalistic, softer. More like an appreciation; a sexual celebration.

I’ve defined myself as pansexual ever since. I don’t have a pattern when it comes to gender and what I find attractive — it has more to do with the person themselves. It’s like we recognise something unspoken within each other and it equals intense sexual chemistry. That, to me, is the same with men and women. It’s the spectrum of attraction and it’s not defined by gender, for me.

That being said, I’ve ended up in more consistent relationships with men. I currently have a boyfriend who I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with for over a year. We’re very much in love and I very rarely think about kissing anyone else. Once, we had a threesome together with one of my girlfriends and it was a beautiful moment where I got to appreciate both the man I love and a woman in a sexual context. My boyfriend knows my sexuality and is an open book, always. We talk about our desires and the things we’d like to try, as well as our insecurities about doing so in a relationship.

And while I haven’t kissed a girl in real life since being monogamous, I kiss them all the time in my dreams. I don’t consciously miss having sex with women, but somehow every sex dream I have involves them, not men. I don’t feel as though I’m doing anything technically wrong, sometimes when I wake up and look over at my boyfriend, I feel guilty. But should I be?

I don’t feel as though I’m doing anything technically wrong, sometimes when I wake up and look over at my boyfriend, I feel guilty. But should I be? Image: iStock

What do our dreams mean?

The dreams feel so realistic that I can’t help but wonder what they mean. Do I actually miss having sex with women more than I realise? Are they a bigger part of my sexuality than I consciously know?

These questions don’t feel like they need answers in everyday life, like when I have the odd flirtatious moment with a woman or I see a girl I used to date. But they feel like questions I should ask after a realistic and horny dream, with another woman at the centre.

“Dreams reflect our brain’s sorting system,” says neuroscientist Dr. Gregory Gasic. “It basically shows us the brain’s process of sorting emotions, memories, and experiences.”

This speaks to activation synthesis theory, proposed by neuroscientists John Allan Hobson, MD, and Robert W. McCarley in 1977. The theory’s overall belief is that dreams are the brain’s way of making sense of random electrical signals, created during REM sleep.

“Dreams reflect our brain’s sorting system,” says neuroscientist Dr. Gregory Gasic. “It basically shows us the brain’s process of sorting emotions, memories, and experiences.”

According to this theory, dreams don’t have special hidden meanings. During REM sleep, the brainstem sends random signals to the cortex. When the cortex gets these random signals, it tries to create a story out of them — and that’s what we experience as dreams.

The “random signals” are from different areas of the brain, like those responsible for emotions and memories. Basically, your brain is the highlight reel of your life — with every experience good and bad stored away somewhere inside. When your brain is active in REM sleep, it randomly selects different moments or “signals” and they come together in a jumbled storyboard to create your dreams.

Relating this to my sexy dreams about women, it kind of makes sense. My experiences of sex with women live in my memory bank in an array of different ways, with different emotions attached. It was a significant part of my life to learn that I wasn’t only into men; and therefore I had a lot of emotions to work through at the time. I remember this period of my life vividly. It was a real turning point for a change in perspective, when it comes to not only my own pleasure, but the stories we’ve been told about relationships in mainstream society.

Relating this to my sexy dreams about women, it kind of makes sense. My experiences of sex with women live in my memory bank in an array of different ways, with different emotions attached. Image: iStock

Although I don’t feel at odds with it anymore — it definitely still feels meaningful to me. Whenever I remember that time, I always naturally revisit the questions I had and the overall confusion. That period of my discovery will live inside my brain as one of significance forever. It’s also one I don’t live in consciously right now, so maybe there are a few more questions that need to be answered. And perhaps my brain takes my REM sleep time to try and answer some of them.

“Having a dream about sleeping with someone outside of your relationship could be a reflection of an actual desire to do so,” suggests clinical psychologist Dr Katie Kjelsaas, “however, it could also have very little to do with sex at all.”

She further suggests we ask the following questions:

What meaning do I associate with the events in this dream? (e.g., perhaps you associate sex with broader themes of trust or connection)

How do I feel and respond during the dream, and how does the other person seem to respond? (e.g., is this a welcome encounter, do I feel at peace?)

“Having a dream about sleeping with someone outside of your relationship could be a reflection of an actual desire to do so,” suggests clinical psychologist Dr Katie Kjelsaas, “however, it could also have very little to do with sex at all.” Image: Pexels

“In light of these questions,” she says, “if you are happy and satisfied in your relationship, a pleasant dream about sex with a non-partner could represent a desire to connect more closely with that person or a signal from your brain that they are trustworthy.”

I think that for me, it could also be a signal that those feelings — attraction to women — are okay. I’ve accepted them as a part of my experience of the world and being in a relationship doesn’t change that.

Often it can be hard in monogamous relationships to feel that you can be sexually independent and free. For some people, it can feel that monogamy takes away from their individual sexual experience. I have friends who, once have found themselves in monogamous and heterosexual relationships, have felt they can’t talk about past sexual experiences or continue to explore their own desires.

I think that for me, it could also be a signal that those feelings — attraction to women — are okay. I’ve accepted them as a part of my experience of the world and being in a relationship doesn’t change that. Image: Pexels

Luckily, I don’t feel that way.

Being an openly communicative relationship, I don’t feel as though I need to hide any parts of myself — past, present or future — with my partner. Instead, he’s eager to know all the different parts of me, including my attraction to women.

If anything, I think that part of who I am and my past is more a part of me than ever before. Getting older, feeling more comfortable in my skin and being in a healthy and accepting relationship helps me to enjoy all the experiences that have made me who I am. Therefore, perhaps my dreams about sleeping with women just make up a corner of my brain. And maybe that corner of my brain is even more accessible now that I feel fully open, vulnerable and myself.

“Sexual dreams — in and of themselves — should not be an immediate cause for concern,” says Dr Katie Kjelsaas, and I agree with her.

I don’t think it’s possible to cheat in your dreams. I think that’s the beauty of dreams — they allow you to access a part of yourself without having to actually go there in real life. We’re all multi-layered, intricate human beings. We’re never just one thing. We might be in a loving relationship, but still enjoy visiting moments from the past. We might be in a job we love, but have a passion that motivates us too. We might feel our most comfortable in a dress, but feel like wearing a suit on occasion. Our layers are what make us beautiful and if our dreams let us explore them on a deeper, more immersive level — then there’s nothing wrong with that.

Originally published as Can you cheat in your dreams?