Can we agree to disagree with our besties and still make brunch plans? Or are we just kicking the can down the road, waiting for the moment our irreconcilable differences inevitably lead to heartbreak?

Got a mate who goes on and on about their latest detox plan while you’re tucking into your burger and chips? Maybe someone you love is a die-hard Swifty but you just don’t get the hype.

Even in the tightest of friendships, disagreements are bound to pop up from time to time. If our mates were all carbon copies of us, the group chat would just be endless thumbs-up emojis, and let’s be honest, no one wants to be surrounded by a bunch of 'yes men'. 

But what about the big stuff? What about when we disagree about politics, health, or whether or not the planet is warming? What about when your beliefs undermine your bestie's basic human rights? What then?

Can disagreements be good for a relationship?

This is something Rachel Voysey, Principal Psychologist at The Relationship Room in Sydney has a lot of experience with. 

Working both one-on-one and with couples of all ilks, she has seen the distress and strain that fundamental differences can put on a relationship. But it’s not as simple as ‘you say potato, I say po-tah-to, let’s call the whole thing off!’ 

“Disagreements are part of healthy relationships, period,” says Voysey. “If you're not disagreeing, I tend to believe someone's being a bit dishonest, whether that's a friendship or an intimate relationship, because you are just not the same as most people you meet.”

It’s not so much the presence of disagreements that can signal a problem within a relationship, what matters is how you manage those disagreements. In fact, research has linked healthy approaches to relationship conflict, such as humour and affection, with lower cortisol levels and better overall health in the long term.

“If you're not disagreeing, it kind of means somebody's not feeling safe enough to be honest,” Voysey says. 

From the playground to the boardroom

As an adult, you might not have friends tell you, “You don’t like Spiderman so you’re not my best friend anymore” but this is the kind of thing my 3-year-old hears (and says) almost daily. Learning about how to manage conflict is part of healthy early childhood development, and Voysey points out that part of growing up means learning about how disagreements can enrich our friendships over time. 

“I think when you're little, you just don't understand that friendships actually are better when you've worked through some difficult things, they become richer and deeper for those qualities,” she says.

Depending on your workplace, (or who happens to be living next door to you), it’s likely you’ve come up against someone who appears to have skipped over this essential developmental skill and doesn’t handle differences of opinion with maturity or grace. 

“Sadly, there are things some people don't learn,” says Voysey, which can manifest in big problems within adult relationships. “Some adults who don't have good relationship skills will, when they feel uncomfortable feelings, just run.”

What about the big stuff?

Petty disagreements about whose turn it is to unpack the dishwasher aside, what happens when we disagree about things that feel fundamental to who we are? 

Well, when it comes to the impact of the really big stuff, Voysey says, “I think it's important to understand is that our core beliefs feel like they're part of our identity. So, they actually feel like they're part of who we are, which is why it can be so hard when we are close to somebody who has fundamentally different beliefs, because we can feel like their beliefs are almost an assault on who we are.”

And while those feelings are completely understandable, they can also present us with a chance to tap into a more nuanced and adult way of thinking about conflict. Rather than jumping straight to, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” we can hold the person and our relationship with them separate from the feelings we might have when we fundamentally disagree on something important.

Of course, this only works when both people in a relationship feel it’s worth preserving. “I have seen cases where the differences are just so stark that it means that the friendship gets smaller, and other times it completely disappears from someone's life because they can't be close to someone with such differing beliefs.” 

Navigating a digital difference of opinion

In an increasingly digital world, the question of whether we can go along to get along is regularly appearing on our screens. We’re constantly sharing how we feel across multiple platforms, sometimes multiple times a day. 

A colleague you respect might tweet something that fundamentally clashes with your own beliefs and it’s hard to separate that from the professional respect you might have built for that person. 

Voysey says she has seen this play out within a person’s group chat, where someone felt they couldn’t comment on a particular issue because they had a different opinion from the rest of the people in the chat. “But they were the only person not commenting, so even by saying nothing, they got implicated by their views,” Voysey explains.

“I thought, wow, that's such an interesting, case, they almost felt like they had to say something. If you feel like you have to be dishonest to be accepted, that's not okay. If you feel like you end up betraying your own values to try and be agreeable, then that's too big a price to pay.”

So, where do we draw the line? 

The million-dollar question, when it comes to our closest relationships is, how do we know when to cut the cord?

And while it might feel sticky and complicated when we encounter this problem in the wild, Voysey suggests some pretty clear and simple boundaries that, when crossed, indicate it might be time to move on. 

“If you feel really violated in who you are, and this comes down to identity again, if you feel that who you are as a person is being called into question, or being violated or disrespected then there’s really not a place for that friendship anymore.”

 “You can disagree and see things differently and you know ‘agree to disagree’,” she continues, “but if you feel really judged and you feel really violated then it’s probably time to call it a day, walk away, and move on with people who are a bit more aligned on similar values.”

Voysey says she has noticed this playing out a lot in recent times. “It has happened in the last couple of months actually, I must say there's been a few people I've worked with and even friends that I have, who have had to pull back on particular friendships because it has got to that point where they feel like who they are as a person is being violated by their friend's opinions.”

3 questions to ask yourself when handling friendship disagreements

#1. Does this friendship have a strong foundation? Is this somebody that I trust, and who understands me?

“If you don't feel like this is a deep friendship worth saving then you're probably not going to want to put that uncomfortable work in that's required,” Voysey says. 

#2. What is this person’s history? What has led them to this belief system that is so different from mine?

“Are there some early life experiences or a family history or some kind of childhood experience or beliefs from somewhere else that makes them feel so strongly about this? Sometimes being able to understand the history of how someone came to their position can open up a little bit of empathy and compassion for how their life has shaped them towards that view.” 

#3. Does this person listen and respect my opinions? 

“If one person in a friendship can listen, and the other person just wants to speak and not listen, you're going to have a problem.” Says Voysey. “So, I think you have to come to an agreement that you're both going to have a chance to speak and the other person is going to listen.”