10 ways to turn up the heat in your marriage tonight

It's not all sexual 

From scheduling intimacy to the best time for sex (spoiler: it’s 7.30am), relationship guru Jean-Claude Chalmet, reveals the many ways to keep long-term love thriving.

Never mind morning breath – research suggests that two-thirds of couples in long-term relationships have the best sex at 7.30am, when energy levels are high and stress is low. But if pre-8am passion isn’t viable for you, there are many other ways to fire up your sex life. And most of the magic happens outside the bedroom.

From being gracious when your advances are rejected to hugging often and understanding that X-rated encounters don’t always happen spontaneously – all these ingredients can have a powerful effect on a couple’s sex life. Jean-Claude Chalmet, a leading psychotherapist, explains.

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1. Don't pick up your phone – have sex when you wake up

It’s tempting to reach for your phone first thing, but morning is the best time for sex, especially once you’re past the child-rearing stage. The results of a recent survey of 500 men and 500 women showed that two-thirds felt sex had “maximum benefit” pre-breakfast – at 7.30am to be precise. These findings are not such a surprise. The sex hormones oestrogen and testosterone peak around this time, and no-one has yet been ground down by the day. To those who feel selfconscious about their morning breath, there’s a very simple solution involving toothpaste. 

2. Don't forget to flirt – however long you've been together

Giving each other the gift of attention that makes you both feel special and seen is important. The happy couples I encounter still flirt – even if they’ve been together for decades. A playful, private language connects two people in a way that is both light-hearted and profound.

Flirting doesn’t have to lead to something sexual – the point is that it might, which can add a charge of erotic potential to the dullest of days. Good sex starts long before we get to the bedroom. 

Playful, private language connects two people in a way that is both lighthearted and profound. Image: Pexels

3. Realise quality is way better than quantity 

All successful long-term relationships have phases when intimacy is infrequent. But if sex is thrilling and satisfying and bonding when you do have it, you quickly forget the lean times. Quantity is an odd yardstick by which to measure your sex life. Good married sex happens when couples can be open with each other, and when in fallow periods, they talk, they don’t become silent, resentful or judgmental. It’s vulnerability and intimacy – or the lack of it – in a relationship that makes sex great or terrible. If couples communicate, sex is good and in-between times are fine, too, because they remain intimate in other ways. When couples fester instead of talking, the sexless times last longer.

4. It shouldn't always be one partner who initiates 

Couples often fall into a pattern where one partner initiates sex – and I know from couples I counsel in my clinic it’s usually the man. Unless the sex is mechanical, conveyor-belt stuff, in which case no wonder his partner isn’t making overtures, this shouldn’t be the case. We should all be in charge of our own pleasure – and making the first move if you are in the mood rather than waiting to be asked is part of that. What if your partner doesn’t ask, because they think you won’t fancy it? We move perilously close to mind-reading territory. Then, because mind-reading doesn’t work, no-one gets what they want.

We should all be in charge of our own pleasure – which means making the first move, according to Chalmet. Image: Pexels

5. Make an effort, appearance- wise 

In my clinic, I see couples where one partner makes the effort to be attractive, and the other, not so much. It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to feel passionate about you when you can’t be bothered with yourself. It’s a form of social disrespect. We should want to make ourselves attractive to our partner and we should want to feel good about ourselves. Couples still having great married sex don’t neglect themselves physically and may have invested in nose-hair clippers. Yes, you love each other, but we can’t pretend that appearance is irrelevant when it comes to attraction. This isn’t about body shape, unless it affects your mojo. Dim the lights if you must, but ban shame from the bedroom – life’s too short to deny ourselves pleasure for pointless reasons. Thankfully, most people in midlife and beyond realise that. The point is, we always feel sexier if we take care of ourselves.

6. Schedule sex – it doesn't have to be spontaneous

If you wait till you’re both in the mood, there’s a strong chance you’ll have precious little sex. Better to agree to your close encounters in advance. It’s a myth desire is more spontaneous than reactive – we’re far more likely to feel in the mood when we’re anticipating sex. Scheduling something is a way of prioritising it. What I regularly see in my clinic with long-term couples is that the woman has stopped wanting sex and the man feels this has nothing to do with him. If each partner sees it as their responsibility to make sex enjoyable, they’ll both want to put that ‘X’ in the diary.

Oxytocin is produced after just 20 seconds of physical touch. Image: Pexels

7. Keep up non-sexual physical contact, like holding hands 

We can all spare a few minutes to connect with our partner. Twenty seconds after we start hugging, we begin to produce oxytocin, the ‘cuddle hormone’, which softens us, makes us feel bonded and allows us to be closer. It’s easy to fall out of the habit of holding hands, stroking your partner’s arm or kissing when you part. These gestures may feel superfluous, but in fact they’re crucial. We don’t always realise we need them, but hugs and kisses add to our wellbeing and relationship satisfaction. One recent research study revealed couples who touch each other are more sexually satisfied and happier in their relationship.

8. Not every encounter has to be earth-shattering 

Good sex doesn’t have to be great. Couples who have successful sex lives understand that not every encounter is a chandelier shaker. Sometimes the act feels unexceptional or routine, and that’s OK. It’s more important to actually have the sex; it’s the cement between the bricks of your relationship. In which form you have it doesn’t always matter – sometimes sex can be a one-way street, sometimes a quickie can do the trick – it’s the fact that it bonds you, that’s important. It shows you care, and want to take care of each other.

Couples who have successful sex lives understand that not every encounter is a chandelier shaker. Image: Pexels

9. Learn how to manage rejection 

You’ve suggested sex and your partner says no, because they’re tired, or stressed, or just don’t really feel like it. Unless there’s something else going on – and most of us know when that is – take them at their word that it isn’t personal. Be gracious and remind yourself that while no-one loves rejection, everyone experiences it from time to time. Anyone who sulks if their partner isn’t in the mood makes it less likely they’ll get a yes this week, or the next. Nobody likes to be guilt tripped or made to feel that they owe their partner sex.

10. Therapy doesn't mean it's a crisis 

If you aren’t having sex, and it’s because of your partner, I advocate brutal honesty. The conversation will be painful, but things could get better. However, a little help from a good therapist can be invaluable if you feel stuck – or if you fear broaching a sensitive topic will get you nowhere, or make matters worse. Your relationship doesn’t have to be in complete meltdown before you engage a professional to help you break unhelpful patterns and better understand each other

Originally published as 10 ways to turn up the heat in your marriage tonight