Psychologist Carly Dober explains why people are emotionally dysregulated

Psychologist Carly Dober says one of the most common patterns she sees in clients is emotional dysregulation. Do you have one of these 18 triggers?

Carly Dober explains schema therapy.

Have you ever found yourself overwhelmed after a small comment from your partner about dinner, or spiralling when plans suddenly get cancelled? You’re not alone. As a psychologist, one of the most common patterns I see in clients is emotional dysregulation and it often begins with seemingly minor events that light an emotional fuse.

But what exactly is emotional dysregulation? Why is it so important to understand your emotional triggers?

Carly Dober explains what causes emotional dysregulation.

Emotional dysregulation is when your emotional responses are out of sync with the situation at hand, either too intense, too long-lasting, or wildly unpredictable. These are the moments when a casual work email ruins your day, or when a small disagreement snowballs into an argument you didn’t see coming.

It’s not just moodiness or sensitivity. Emotional dysregulation can show up as:

• Angry outbursts

• Intense anxiety or depression

• Substance abuse

• Self-harm or suicidal thoughts

• Trouble navigating everyday relationships

• Perfectionism, indecision, or emotional shutdown

Over time, it can deeply affect your quality of life, work performance, and relationships.

There’s no single cause, but emotional dysregulation often stems from:

• Early childhood trauma or neglect

• Chronic invalidation of your emotions

• Lack of emotionally healthy role models

• Sleep deprivation, which increases emotional intensity

• Cultural norms around anger and expression

• Underlying medical or psychological conditions

All these factors can shape how you react to stress, disappointment, or conflict even if you aren’t aware of it.

Emotional dysregulation looks like a lowered threshold to manage emotions.

Think of it as your emotional thermometer being turned up too high or stuck there.

You might experience:

• Exaggerated crying spells

• Wild mood swings

• Grudge-holding or constant conflict

• Risky behaviours (like substance use or self-harm)

• Intense shame, frustration, or suicidal thoughts

• Struggles to calm down after an upset

One of the biggest challenges is difficulty returning to emotional baseline.

Even after the trigger passes, your nervous system may still be in overdrive.

Being aware of what sets off your emotional responses isn’t just about avoiding discomfort, it’s a crucial step towards emotional literacy and self-care.

Here’s why it’s helpful:

1. It improves emotional intelligence

Recognising your patterns allows you to catch yourself before spiralling, giving you

space to choose a healthier response.

2. Strengthens relationships

When you can regulate your emotions, you reduce the chances of hurting others or

misreading their intentions.

3. Reduces guilt and shame

Understanding that dysregulation is often learned or biologically influenced helps you

respond with self-compassion instead of judgment.

4. Builds resilience

You’ll feel more in control of your life and better equipped to handle stress and

uncertainty.

5. Supports long-term mental health

Unchecked emotional dysregulation can fuel anxiety, depression, and other issues.

Awareness opens the door to early intervention and support.

Treatment doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings, it’s about learning how to manage them.

Remember: emotional dysregulation isn’t a formal mental disorder, it’s a pattern.

Patterns can be changed.

Research shows these two kinds of therapy can help:

Dialectical behaviour therapy

DBT teaches you how to live in the moment, regulate your emotions, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, and improve your relationships. Its four skill modules include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.

Schema therapy

This type of psychotherapy focuses on identifying and changing your schemas, which are broad and pervasive patterns of behaviour that relate to your sense of self and the world.

It proposes that symptoms such as emotional dysregulation are caused by difficult childhood experiences, which led to the formation of maladaptive early schemas.

Schema Therapy is a psychotherapy approach that aims to help patients get their core emotional needs met.

There are 18 schemas which will change the lens through which you see things.

There are 18 different schemas that, if developed in childhood, may have an unpleasant effect on how one views the world.

1. Emotional Deprivation

This schema reflects a deep belief that your core emotional needs will never be met. These unmet needs generally fall into three areas: the need for affection and care (nurturance), the need to feel understood (empathy), and the need for safety and guidance (protection). People with this schema may feel chronically unseen, unsupported, or emotionally alone.

2. Abandonment/Instability

This schema involves a constant fear that people you rely on emotionally will leave or become unavailable. You might believe that relationships are fragile or unpredictable, leading to anxiety and clinginess. Often, this stems from early experiences of inconsistent caregiving or loss.

3. Mistrust/Abuse

People with this schema expect to be hurt, deceived, or humiliated by others. There is a core belief that people will take advantage of you if given the chance, which can lead to defensive or suspicious behaviour, or a desire to retaliate before being harmed.

4. Social Isolation/Alienation

This schema reflects the sense of being fundamentally different from others and not fitting in. You may feel emotionally disconnected, excluded, or believe that you don’t belong to any social group or community, often stemming from experiences of rejection or difference in childhood.

5. Defectiveness/Shame

This schema centres on the belief that you are inherently flawed, bad, or unworthy of love. You may carry deep shame and fear that others would reject you if they knew the ‘real’ you. It often emerges from highly critical or rejecting environments growing up.

6. Failure

People with this schema believe they are destined to fail or are incapable of succeeding. Whether in school, work, or personal life, there’s a sense that others are more competent and capable. This may develop from overly demanding or critical childhood environments that set unrealistic expectations.

7. Dependence/Incompetence

This schema involves a belief that you’re unable to manage everyday tasks or responsibilities without help. You may feel helpless, unsure of your decisions, or overwhelmed by adult tasks, often due to overprotective parenting or lack of encouragement to be independent.

8. Vulnerability to Harm or Illness

This schema involves an exaggerated fear that a catastrophe is always around the corner. You might worry excessively about health issues, financial disasters, accidents, or mental breakdowns, and take extreme measures to try to prevent or avoid these imagined threats.

9. Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self

People with this schema experience blurred emotional boundaries with others, especially family members. You might feel overly responsible for someone else’s emotions or lack a clear sense of your own identity because your emotional needs were merged with another person’s growing up.

10. Entitlement/Grandiosity

This schema reflects a belief that your needs or desires should take priority over others. You may feel superior, special, or above rules, and struggle to empathise with others. This can manifest as demanding behaviour or preoccupation with status, power, or achievement.

11. Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline

Characterised by difficulty with delaying gratification, managing impulses, or tolerating frustration, this schema may mean you may avoid responsibilities or conflict, or act on urges without considering consequences. In extreme cases, this can lead to addictive or anti-social behaviour.

12. Subjugation

This schema refers to the habit of giving up your own preferences, needs, or opinions to avoid conflict or rejection. You might suppress your true self out of fear of being criticised, abandoned, or punished. This can result in resentment or emotional numbness over time.

13. Self-Sacrifice

This schema involves placing others’ needs consistently ahead of your own, even when it causes you emotional or physical harm. You may feel compelled to care for others to prevent their suffering or your own guilt, but at the expense of your own wellbeing.

14. Emotional Inhibition

This schema centres on the belief that emotions should be tightly controlled. You may feel uncomfortable with vulnerability, spontaneity, or emotional expression, fearing that others will judge you, reject you, or that you'll lose control if your feelings show.

15. Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking

This schema involves placing too much importance on gaining validation, praise, or approval from others. You may shape your identity around external recognition, often prioritising how you’re perceived over what you genuinely need or value internally.

16. Negativity/Pessimism

People with this schema tend to focus on the downside of situations, expecting things to go wrong or emphasising problems over positives. There is often difficulty feeling joy or contentment, as worry and cynicism take centre stage in their worldview.

17. Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness

This schema is driven by the belief that you must meet extremely high expectations, often in multiple areas of life. You may push yourself relentlessly to avoid criticism, leading to perfectionism, guilt, or chronic dissatisfaction even when you succeed.

18. Punitiveness

This schema reflects a belief that mistakes should be punished harshly, whether by others or yourself. There may be a strong internal critic, difficulty with forgiveness, and a tendency to react with anger or harshness when you or others fall short of expectations. Being ‘triggered’ isn’t a personal flaw, it’s often a response shaped by your past. But by recognising your responses and learning new ways to respond, you can regain control over your emotional world and build stronger, more connected relationships.

If you recognise yourself in these patterns, consider reaching out to a psychologist or other mental health professional. You deserve the tools to feel safe and steady, no matter what life throws at you.

Carly Dober is a psychologist based in Melbourne. She is also a policy coordinator for the Australian Association of Psychologists.

Originally published as Psychologist Carly Dober explains why people are emotionally dysregulated