Imperfects co-host Josh van Cuylenburg opens up on impostor syndrome and mental health battles
He’s the co-host of one of Australia’s top-rating podcasts. But Josh van Cuylenburg says he still wonders “why the hell have they chosen me?”.
Mental Health
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He’s the star of one of Australia’s most popular podcasts but Josh van Cuylenburg admits he still suffers from impostor syndrome.
“For so much of my life, I’ve had such a low self-esteem and low internal dialogue,” says van Cuylenburg, who co-hosts The Imperfects – a podcast exploring mental health and vulnerability – with his brother, Hugh and comedian Ryan Shelton.
Even though the podcast sits in Australia’s top 10 and encourages big-name guests to speak candidly about their own struggles, van Cuylenburg still feels haunted by his own inner voice.
“Being asked to host events is still a shock,” says the 39-year-old, who was invited to speak at the 650-strong Breakthrough Men’s Health dinner at Adelaide Oval.
“I must admit when I’m alone … I think, ‘What the hell have they chosen me for?’”
But van Cuylenburg says since becoming a father and stepping up to co-host the podcast, he has learnt to tame – and even embrace – his inner demons.
”The impostor syndrome thing is a strange thing because I think I never want to be fully rid of it, I think there’s a healthy amount of it that kind of keeps you a little bit grounded and hopefully respectful of everything you’re doing,” says the father of two young boys aged five and two.
“Dr Emily (Musgrove), our psychologist on the show, calls it getting your butterflies in formation. I really like that expression. If it doesn’t get out of control, it can be a real healthy focusing tool that just says you care about this thing, you want to do it well and you want to be good at it. So reframe it as it’s not that I shouldn’t be here, it’s that I care that I’m here and I want to do it really well.
“Since doing the podcast, I’ve gotten a lot confidence. I’ve still doubted myself in many areas, but getting on to the podcast and doing the work we’ve done has really helped.”
Some of Australia’s most recognisable faces have opened their hearts to The Imperfects listeners since the podcast’s launch in 2019.
Australian cricket captain Pat Cummins talked about losing his mum to cancer, trans woman and former AFL footballer Danielle Laidley relived her own private struggles and public outing, surfing world champion Mick Fanning shared the horror of being attacked by a shark and tragedy of losing three brothers, and Adelaide 36ers star Isaac Humphries spoke about being the first NBL basketballer to come out as gay.
Van Cuylenburg has also had his own struggles, which he shares with The Imperfects family.
As a young boy, his older sister suffered an eating disorder that emotionally devastated the whole family and had a big impact on his own mental health.
“As a teenager, I kind of tried to be perfect and make sure that I brought no problems to the family … make everyone happy,” he says.
But in his 20s, that perfect veneer started to crumble. He started drinking and living hard.
“The more you try and the more you fail to reach that idea of perfection, you feel empty and the negative self voice inside can get pretty loud, which it did throughout a lot of my 20s,” says van Cuylenburg, whose mental health spiralled and reached a nadir when he found himself suffering a panic attack in the shower.
“I’d heard about them but never really realised how debilitating and physical and terrifying they can be. I still remember the sort of tingling sensation up my arm, the heavy breathing, catastrophic thoughts I was having.”
Van Cuylenburg’s brother, Hugh, booked an appointment with a psychologist and for the next eight years they worked together to “tackle my mental health … (and) change my life”.
But it was the advent of The Imperfects and the gravity of becoming a father that brought real emotional change.
“The moment my first child was born, I had this epiphany of ‘It was all for this …’ preparing myself to be the dad that this child needed me to be,” he says.
“The negative voice started to come in and I remember having this feeling of ‘Your child deserves better than to have a dad who thinks about himself like this.’
“And I think there’s no doubt that the podcast has done huge amounts for my own mental health.”
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