Real Housewives of Melbourne episode 10 recap: Toxic texts exposed
In an explosive season finale, one Real Housewives of Melbourne star admits to sending aggressive texts to her co-star. Read our full recap.
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This week it’s the finale of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, and we’ve got our second SMS-based scandal of the season.
We open with Kyla and Cherry catching up to compare notes about Cherry’s birthday party last week – and Kyla’s sitting on a bombshell in the form of some “toxic” texts she’s since received from Janet.
Kyla describes it as a “barrage of insults” that she guesses were sent after Janet had downed a few drinks (and we’re not talking about her Chemist Warehouse tea). It’s all very personal stuff, with Janet naming Kyla’s partner and young daughter, telling her both must be ashamed of her.
Out of Melbourne, Simone’s welcoming Jackie and Janet to “her girlfriend Ingha’s fantastic polo academy,” which is the sort of social invite you just don’t hear a lot of outside Toorak.
They sit down for champers and nibbles in the stables – honestly, these women could pull up stumps and crack open a bottle of booze anywhere – and Janet explains her side of this toxic text saga.
Janet says she stumbled upon leaks from the show posted on social media fan sites which described her as “stooping to a whole new low” this season, while painting Kyla as the wronged victim.
Assuming Kyla was behind the leaks, she lashed out via text.
“It’s really very aggressive and I’m happy to show you,” she tells the girls, whipping out her phone.
She shows Simone and Jackie what she wrote – and even her two closest allies wince as they read the aggro texts.
But Janet then claims within hours of her sending the texts to Kyla, the blogger took down all the disparaging posts about her – thereby, she says, proving that Kyla was the source of the leak.
Frustratingly, between these two scenes, we never actually see for ourselves what the texts say – luckily I can bring you this exclusive shot:
After the polo and back in Melbourne, heavily pregnant Jackie – who is feeling very hormonal lately and mentions this fact at least twice a minute – reveals she’s organised some very uncomfortable activities for husband Ben Gillies. Listening to Daniel Johns’ podcast, perhaps?
First she hooks him up to a machine that simulates childbirth contractions – so far, so funny, as Ben winces in pain while Jackie dials up the controls.
Then it gets a lot creepier as Jackie disappears to another room and re-emerges … with a newborn baby. Ben’s instantly freaked out: Where did you get this tiny baby? Whose is it? Aren’t they missing it?
It looks slightly uncanny, like that weird animatronic baby from Twilight, and Jackie’s wide-eyed insistence that Ben hold “little Nathaniel” only makes the scene more unnerving.
“I can’t pinpoint what makes me so uncomfortable about Jackie holding this random baby,” says Ben, until she finally passes him the baby and we find out …
Finally this week – and indeed this season – all the women are prepping for an intimate gathering hosted by Kyla.
All, that is, except for Janet, who’s sitting at home with a wine in her dressing gown and stubbornly refusing to attend because of her issues with Kyla.
There’s been entirely too much of this behaviour this season! Got drama? Load up on pre-drinks and GO TO THE PARTY.
There’s a strict sapphire dress code (thank god I wasn’t invited, all my sapphire is in the wash), to which Cherry and Simone dutifully adhere, Gamble half-heartedly attempts and Jackie absolutely ignores.
Gamble breaks the news to the group that Janet is unlikely to make an appearance, and Jackie – who I’m not sure if you heard, is really hormonal – instantly develops a rage-induced eye twitch over her bestie ditching the event.
But who needs Janet Roach when you have an awkwardly intimate cabaret revue delivered to an audience of five?
Musical theatre performer Mike Snell emerges from behind a curtain with two back-up dancers to deliver a wide-eyed, rictus-grinning, jazz-hands rendition of Cabaret, high-kicking his way through the number with such gusto I’m worried he’s about to knock at least one Housewife’s teeth out:
Dinner theatre over, the ladies sit down to their meal, but tensions are high as they all argue about Janet’s absence.
Is she really ditching the final group event of the season?
Lol. Of course not. Ta-dah:
The relief is palpable as everyone rushes to greet her – except Kyla.
Janet sits down and announces that she won’t be “pushed out” by Kyla, then issues a plea for the group to return to their old, peaceful ways, before all this fighting. (Literally when was that? We have seen seasons 1 through 4, Janet.)
Kyla demands Janet apologise to her for the hateful texts but Janet’s just here to enjoy herself, JR style, d’ya know what I mean?
“I don’t think I’ve done anything bad to you,” she says with a shrug, sipping her wine.
Then, as all Real Housewives season finale dinner parties do, it spirals out of control. Gamble’s suddenly on the attack, telling Cherry that she shouldn’t trust her closest friend in the group, Kyla.
Cherry hits back, making reference to Gamble’s husband “buying her a new bloody earpiece” which is met with an instant groan of shock from the group.
Using Gamble’s hearing issue as an insult seems an exceptionally low blow – but Gamble’s happy to return fire.
“Why doesn’t your husband buy you a new set of tits, you stupid b**ch?” she spits.
As Simone puts it succinctly while watching this race to the bottom of the barrel: “Oooooooooh … sh*t.”
Next, an emotional Cherry insists she never made that disparaging remark last week about Janet not having a skinny arm – you know, the one that was captured on camera.
Cherry’s crying and being consoled by Kyla, Gamble’s yapping at both of them, and Jackie’s suddenly on her feet and trying to play peacemaker between everyone, using her napkin as a white flag:
With no reunion next week (!) the final shot of the season goes to a very pleased Janet, who raises a glass and basks in the chaos she’s managed to create mere minutes after sauntering in:
The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8.30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel – but that’s the end of the season. Commiserate with recapper and unsettling plastic newborn Nick Bond on Twitter.
Originally published as Real Housewives of Melbourne episode 10 recap: Toxic texts exposed
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