Federal Election 2025: James Weir recaps election night TV war
In the war to win election night coverage, Channel 9 blindsided panellists with a gimmick that left them visibly uncomfortable. James Weir tunes in.
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As Anthony Albanese won the battle against Peter Dutton and re-claimed the title of Prime Minister, there was another war brewing live on-air as channels Seven and Nine duelled it out to see which network could lure the most viewers with a series of zany stunts and outlandish commentators who resembled the cast of the Looney Tunes.
When it comes to election coverage, all those charts and numbers can be tedious. Who doesn’t want a little razzmatazz? The night demands some light theatrics in the form of Clive Palmer being confronted about those annoying Trumpet spam texts while Peter Dutton gets plummeted into a dunk tank.
Thanks to Channel 7 and Nine, it’s as if two circuses had rolled into town. Bosses at Australia’s two major commercial networks knew they’d be in a tussle of one-upmanship with Saturday’s coverage. Channel 10 wasn’t included in the competition. If you tuned in briefly, you would’ve seen tumbleweeds blowing across Sandra Sully’s newsdesk.
And ABC? Let’s be real: no one has the patience to spend six hours watching Antony Green trying to figure out how the touchscreen jumbotron works. If we wanted to do that, we’d volunteer to teach iPhone workshops at nursing homes.
Before the broadcasts even began, Channel 9 was in the lead. The network had publicly humiliated its highest paid star Karl Stefanovic by relegating the breakfast host to the lowly role of roving reporter – a gig usually reserved for cadets and kooky weathermen. He was forced into hanging out at Liberal HQ (i.e. an RSL club) doing sporadic man-on-the-street crosses back to the studio, where his former Today co-host Ali Langdon helmed the real coverage with newsreader Peter Overton and a cast of players.
One of those characters was former defence minister Christopher Pyne, who even bought a fun new pair of glasses to wear during the broadcast. For a split second, when we glanced up at the TV, we thought it was Tina Fey in one of those TV commercials for booking.com.
But back to Karlos. We crossed to the “dark and dank” (his words) Liberal HQ and watched him desperately trying to prove to his TV bosses that he’s responsible enough to be included in this important event — and that he could do so without performing a shoey and/or streaking.
“It’s a pretty bleak vibe here at Liberal HQ,” he informed the adults back in the studio.
Karl was no doubt bruised that, over on Channel 7, bosses had put their faith in the network’s own breakfast show host Nat Barr to helm the main coverage on the desk.
And they’d also secured the crème de la crème of Australia’s biggest political whackjobs.
Producers booked Clive Palmer for the sole purpose of landing the biggest exclusive of the election. The moment the chair of Trumpet of Patriots plonked himself down at the panellist desk, he was interrogated about those annoying spam texts we’ve all been receiving in the lead up to the election.
“You have been the great disrupter in this campaign,” said one of the 15 panellists, whose voices were by now all just one indistinguishable blur.
“There’s been absolutely no missing your spam messages on your mobile devices and messages on your mobile devices.”
That’s when Nat Barr stepped in to lead a fine example of campaign journalism.
“Changing the text laws is what we need to talk about on Monday,” she declared.
One of the other panellists piped up: “Can I ask on behalf of the country: could you give us your mobile number? I reckon there is about 15 million people who want to send you a message at about 3am. Geez, they are annoying.”
With this blistering take-down, Channel 7 proved it was a voice for the people. The network immediately overtook Channel 9’s coverage and was in the lead.
As punishment, Nat Barr made Clive Palmer walk over to their patented “Election Needle” to fiddle with it.
For those who missed it because they were preoccupied with more important things (like watching the latest episode of Hacks), the Election Needle was a paper arrow glued to a cardboard dial with pictures of people’s faces sticky taped to it.
Thanks to this flimsy DIY prop, Channel 7 was deducted hefty points and immediately fell behind Nine on the leaderboard. But Nat Barr kicked right back into gear and crossed live to Jacqui Lambie, demanding the firebrand politician say something mean about Pauline Hanson. Though Lambie refused to play into political trash talk, we commend Nat’s tenacious efforts to get a headline.
Meanwhile, over at Liberal HQ, Karl – who’s in the middle of contract negotiations and trying to keep his almost $3 million salary – was working overtime to rub his bosses’ faces in it.
He was talking in a low and sombre voice. (See! I can be serious!)
And then, he pounced on an exclusive of his own – delivering it to the back door like a cat with a dead mouse. He accosted Peter Dutton in a shadowy hallway and cornered the opposition leader for an interview.
His line of questioning? To paraphrase: Pete, no one’s keen on ya – waddya reckon?
Dutts: “ … Well, I’ve got no more hair to lose, right?”
What else did the opposition leader say? Karlos couldn’t remember.
He was so excited about scoring a scoop that he started to zone out and think about how he’d celebrate.
“There’s still no drinks here,” he bemoaned to the adults back in the studio. “I don’t know what’s going on. It’s desperate scenes.”
Birds gotta fly. Fish gotta swim. Karlos gotta Karlos.
Making matters even worse, it seemed his Today co-host Sarah Abo scored the better gig. While Karlos was booze-free, Sarah was down at Labor HQ and smashing tinnies with Albo’s face printed on ‘em.
Over on Seven, Nat Barr crossed to Bob Katter in Townsville, where the independent MP launched into a rant about how Queensland had been stripped of “freedom”. The crux of his gripe? Sydney is awarded luxuries such as theme parks like Wet ‘n’ Wild, meanwhile, he’s banned from using a gun.
“You know, Brisbane and Sydney, they have their fun parks,” he rasped. “We love going and shooting and camping and hunting and fishing. The guns have been taken off us!”
He then talked about crocodiles because, well, you can never have a conversation with Bob Katter without a mention of crocodiles.
“We can’t go to the creek and have a swim because they are crocodile infested!”
Alright, grandpa. Time for a XXXX beer and a lie down.
By 8.20pm, the result was called: Albo won.
Channel 7 producers sent an intern out on a Vespa to follow Albo’s motorcade as it travelled from Kirribilli House to Labor HQ.
But there was a hitch. The camera lens was smudged and the footage was just one big blur. The PM’s vehicle wasn’t even at the centre of that blur. At some point, the camera was nudged and pointed to the side of the road. So, for about 15 minutes, all we viewed was a blurry whoosh of houses and median strips.
It was as if it were filmed on a 2008 model iPhone. Channel 7 boss Kerry Stokes needs to dip into his purse and buy his news department a GoPro.
While we were watching Channel 7’s riveting coverage of suburban streetscapes, Dutton was at Liberal HQ conceding. By 10pm, Albo was on the air, claiming victory and choking back sobs.
“A short time ago, I spoke with Peter Dutton who has, of course, conceded defeat,” he told the crowd of supporters. “And I thanked him-”
At the mention of Dutton, the crowd interjected and started to boo. Albo roused on them like they were Toto the dog who’d just pissed on a rug at Kirribilli House.
“No! No!” he scolded. “What we do in Australia is we treat people with respect.”
Of course, the MVP of Albo’s campaign – his Medicare card – got flashed one more time.
After Albo left the stage, we cut back to the Channel 7 panel and former Labor leader Bill Shorten sighed: “Thank God this election is over and we can get on with stuff!”
But not quite.
Over on Channel 9, the party was just getting started.
Producers rolled out The Dunk Tank.
It’s exactly what you think it is: someone throws a ball at a bullseye lever and a person seated above a plastic box is dropped into a pool of water.
For this dunk tank, the people seated above the water were CGI imitations of politicians who’d lost.
In all honesty, we expected this kind of nonsense from those clowns over at Channel 7 – with their horoscopes and skits. But on Channel 9?
Circus music began to tootle over the speakers in the studio.
Then a cartoon version of Peter Dutton’s face appeared on the seat in the Dunk Tank.
Nine’s political editor Charles Croucher was acting as the carnie who manned the booth.
Roll up! Roll up!
He tried getting panellists like Christopher Pyne to come up and dunk the pollies. Clearly uncomfortable, they all scrunched their faces and wiggled out of partaking in the stunt.
The segment was sinking like a … like a … well, like a politician in a dunk tank.
Croucher continued with the duties.
“A genuine thank you for your service, Peter Dutton, but … into the drink! Three! Two! One! Throw the ball!” he yelled.
Splash!
Peter’s face plonked into the water.
It was clear the panellists found the gimmick disrespectful and humiliating rather than cute and kitschy.
After dunking Dutton, one of the panellists piped up: “They’re all human beings. They all have served their country and they’ve done their very best.”
And with this appalling stunt, Channel 9 won the election night coverage.
There’s no way Channel 7 could’ve pulled it off. Bob Katter would’ve taken one look at the water tank and thought there was a crocodile in it.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Originally published as Federal Election 2025: James Weir recaps election night TV war
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