Mega weekend free-to-air TV movie guide
From the first instalment of a steamy blockbuster trilogy to a helping of rom coms guaranteed to lighten up your lockdown blues, this weekend’s TV schedule is jam-packed with unmissable picks.
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FRIDAY NIGHT
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
**1/2
8:30 PM
Here’s where you handed the keys to the kinkdom which unlock a trashy trilogy of E.L. James-penned erotic blockbusters. All you need to know is that naive young college student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is on a carnal collision course with a slightly older, much richer dude named Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Turns out he is quite the bondage-and-discipline enthusiast. So if there is to be some kind of relationship, certain bedroom boundaries will need to be set. Or crossed. Or erased. There’s plenty of nudity and set-piece sensuality, but nothing that hasn’t already aired on late-night TV in the past decade. Where the film earns its keep as down-market entertainment are those moments where the supposedly erotic can become unintentionally funny in seconds flat.
ERASER
***
11:30 PM CH. 7
Who else but Arnold Schwarzenegger can fire a barrage of ammo into the mouth of a crocodile and then inform the dying beast “You’re luggage!”? Although Eraser offered the first signs that cinema audiences were no longer willing to swallow Arnie in any old action vehicle served up to them, there is still enough cheesy lowbrow moments to make this tale of weapons, women and witness protection deliver on the small screen. Only one serious snafu – Arnie going toe-to-toe with a villain that should be swinging a walking frame (The Godfather’s James Caan) at the climax.
JOHN Q.
***
8:30 PM 7MATE
Denzel Washington plays a battler that takes hostages in a hospital emergency ward to secure a vital heart transplant for his ailing son. A bit of a comedown after Denzel’s Oscar-winning Training Day triumph – wasn’t there once an ER episode along similar lines? – but his very presence ensure this remains watchable to the bitter(sweet) end. Among the many specially-shot cameos included in John Q is an appearance by former US First Lady Hilary Clinton, who slams the parlous state of American public health care.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
**
8:30 PM
What to expect from What to Expect When You’re Expecting when you expect it to be exactly what you’re expecting? {Insert pregnant pause here.} Like He’s Just Not That Into You and Valentine’s Day, this is another one of those warm’n’fuzzy clumps of sitcom fluff, in which a large ensemble of names can become entangled for no apparent reason. Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks and Anna Kendrick are among those about to be “with child” to moderate comic effect. Based on the best-selling so-you’re-about- to-have-your-first-baby manual of the same name. Co-stars Chris Rock, Dennis Quaid.
THE LAST CASTLE
***
9:45 PM GEM
What could have been one very average prison drama is elevated to something much more entertaining thanks to a single plot twist, which sees the inmates-versus-the-guards battle take place in a military jail. Robert Redford (as a court-martialled war hero) and The Sopranos’ James Gandolfini (as a cruel, unhinged warden) serve up an enthralling acting duel, even if credibility is stretched to breaking point by a ludicrous finale. Soul-stirringly silly feelbad fun.
THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES
****
7:30 PM GO
Five years in the making. Hundreds of millions of dollars spent. 330 minutes of screen time burned off. And now, we are finally here: Peter Jackson’s epic trilogy based on The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien is finally ready to unveil its grand finale. Those who resisted the urge to kick the Hobbit habit during those agonisingly sluggish first two episodes will be rewarded with all the sprawling spectacle and grandiose drama they can possibly handle. The anchoring presence of the entire film is Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), no longer the meek onlooker he once was when first persuaded to throw in his lot with the warrior Dwarves. Overall, this is rollicking, rousing and unforgettable entertainment, which belatedly justifies the slogging terms on which the series began.
THE BAADER-MEINHOF COMPLEX
**1/2
9:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
A dense, information-heavy political drama, documenting the rise and fall of the German terrorist-activist group the Red Army Faction in the 1970s. You name it, and these ever-resourceful nihilists probably had plans afoot to steal it, hold it to ransom, or simply blow it up. Murder was also not out of the question. Character development is flimsy here, and the movie often goes dangerously close to glamorising its subject. Probably works better if you do a little study on the web beforehand. Stars Martina Gedeck.
SATURDAY
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN
***
7:00 PM 7MATE
A rarity for a family-friendly sequel in that it enjoyably trumps the original in every department. Ben Stiller reprises his role as Larry, a former nightwatchman keeping tabs on museum exhibits that magically come to life each evening. In this fun, action-packed new adventure, Larry must rescue his secret friends after they have been shipped off to storage in another city. Much more funnier, focused and fast-paced than before, and the story sneaks a little historical interest into the mix when nobody’s looking. Hank Azaria steals the show as an evil pharaoh, but the whole ensemble (including Amy Adams, Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan) works together wonderfully.
DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
****
9:10 PM 7MATE
If you thought 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a game-changer, wait until you get a load of the sequel. Nothing less than a remarkable return fixture, Dawn transfers the game to a bigger stadium, secures you a better seat, and is hellbent on racking up a record score. Ten years have passed since the dreaded Simian Flu swept the globe, and reduced all mankind to a 1-in-500 shadow of its former self. Meanwhile, courtesy of their great leader Caesar (Andy Serkis), the apes are evolving from strength to strength. If San Francisco’s remaining humans can jump-start a nearby hydro-electric dam – located deep inside territory controlled by Caesar – then mankind’s long road back to civilisation will have become just that little bit shorter. The scripting is sharp and thematically ambitious for an action-driven production, and the eerie performance- capture mastery of Serkis’ acting goes to a whole new level of emoting. A big-ticket item for thrill seekers and deep thinkers alike.
CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
**1/2
7:00 PM 7FLIX
A moderately diverting 2003 cloning of the 2000 hit reboot. This is not to say you can’t or won’t have a good time as Full Throttle goes about its trashy, splashy business. Free of the need to bother with anything more than about ten minutes of actual plot, leads Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu move through a succession of hairdos and hip-hugging outfits with good-natured, self-satirising aplomb. On the odd occasion when the girls need a breather, the box marked “Cameo Appearance” is busted open so the likes of Bruce Willis, John Cleese, Pink and original TV angel Jaclyn Smith can do their thing.
A FEW GOOD MEN
****
7.30PM CH 9
As speechy and preachy a courtroom drama as you’ll ever find, detailing the secret manoeuvring that shadows a naval court-martial. The key here is the constant butting of heads between the three leads – Tom Cruise’s cocky maritime defence lawyer, Demi Moore’s determined career-woman, and Jack Nicholson’s charismatically psychotic renegade Colonel. A fantastic good-guy / bad-guy melodrama, where justice ultimately prevails, but not before everyone (and I mean everyon>) has said their piece. The tingles that run up the spine during Cruise and Nicholson’s final electrifying confrontation (”you can’t handle the truth!”) seals an apt final verdict.
HEIST
****
10:15 PM CH. 9
As scripted by Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright and accomplished filmmaker David Mamet (House of Games, The Winslow Boy), the rat-a-tat chatter between the characters of Heist is a study in dialogue at its most economically eloquent. For example, all you need to know about the man at the epicentre of the tale, an ageing master burglar named Joe (Gene Hackman), is nailed succinctly in a throwaway line spouted by one of his associates: “he’s so cool that when he goes to sleep, sheep count him.” As with most Mamet movies, Heist’s plot is a laid-back labyrinth of double crosses, triple threats and quadruple quirks that do not seem all that remarkable at first. That is, until your ears, eyes and whatever other senses you use to watch movies collapse into sync with the script’s oddly compelling beats, breaks and bursts of thought. Co-stars Sam Rockwell, Danny DeVito.
SWORDFISH
**1/2
9:45 PM GEM
As generic a big-budget blockbuster as you could get in the early 2000s. They were everywhere back then. Hugh Jackman is a master computer hacker held to ransom and forced to thump a keyboard by corrupt CIA operative John Travolta. Don’t fret too much about the plot: it is a necessary and somewhat amusing evil that helps kill some time until the next large sheet of plate glass is shattered. Other noteworthy diversions that spiral out of the mayhem include an incredibly slick camera move that swoops the outer perimeter of a bombing-in-progress, a bus being towed across town by a helicopter, and the chance to ponder how many million dollars-per-breast Halle Berry famously banked to point her perfect chest at the camera.
KUNG FU PANDA
***
7:00 PM GO!
A fun animated comedy about a panda’s journey from bumbling noodle restaurant waiter to martial-arts master. Gets a little too boisterous for its own good at times, but the winning voice cast (led by Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman and Angelina Jolie) know exactly when to rein everything in. Knockout visuals for a non-Pixar ‘toon, too. There is a level of attention to historical detail that you would not normally expect to see in the computer-animation genre.
WE’RE THE MILLERS
**1/2
8:45 PM GO!
Middling comedy lacking the smarts to capitalise on a clever premise. Jason Sudeikis stars as a low-level pot dealer forced to participate in a high-stakes drugs deal to get rid of a crushing debt to his supplier. In order to smuggle a major marijuana haul across the Mexican border, he gathers a motley bunch (including Jennifer Aniston as a stripper) to pose as his fake family to avoid suspicion. There are just enough laughs to be had to allow this sketchy, smutty affair the benefit of the doubt. There are never enough laughs to be had to extinguish any doubt it is not as funny as it might have been. co-stars Emma Roberts, Nick Offerman.
DEUCE BIGELOW MALE GIGOLO
**1/2
8:30 PM 10 SHAKE
Sometimes a really dumb comedy hits the spot. Nothing wrong with that. If you’re looking to switch-on to switch-off, you could do worse than check out this crass chuckler about a down-and-out fish tank cleaner (Rob Schneider) who must market himself as a cut-price male prostitute to make ends meet. While Schneider is no Adam Sandler (who actually produced this), he has a fair strike rate when it comes to making the gags work here.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
****
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
You might know the set-up inside-out – comically dysfunctional family shoehorns itself into cramped vehicle for road trip to destination Discovering Yourself – but rarely has it been done in such a lively and entertaining fashion. Once this unruly mob arrive at a hideous pre-teen beauty pageant, the slow-burning mix of light comedy and poignant social drama ignites spectacularly. The most unlikely (and effective) feel-good movie you might ever see. Stars Toni Colette, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear.
LEAN ON PETE
***1/2
10:25 PM WORLD MOVIES
A down-and-out teenage boy befriends a done-and-dusted racehorse. It sounds like a formulaic weepie just waiting to happen. The only thing is, the cliches just never kick in during a serenely calm, clear-headed and authentic drama. Charley Thompson (a remarkably grounded performance from promising youngster Charlie Plummer) is 15 years old, and fending for himself. His dad means well, but the women and the drink mean more to him. In need of some money, Charlie scores a job with a jaded racehorse trainer (Steve Buscemi) and soon befriends one of the lesser lights in the stable: a nuggety nag named Lean on Pete. Upon learning his new pal may soon be getting a one-way ticket to the glue factory, Charlie takes the reins and makes a run for it with Pete trailing close behind. Actually, if you’re being picky, the pair make a walk for it, slowly crossing the American West in search of nothing but a better day. Very low-key, but very lovely stuff.
SUNDAY
KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE
**
8:30 PM 7MATE
In 2014, Kingsman: The Secret Service struck guilty-pleasure gold. The novelty value of watching the previously posh Colin Firth drop the prim’n’proper act to beserkly belt up bad dudes just never seemed to wear off. Unfortunately, that addictively incongruous vibe is nowhere to be felt in the sequel, reducing it swiftly to the ranks of action movie also-rans. Director Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass) remains an underrated and highly effective filmmaker when it comes to creatively choreographing wide-screen mayhem. However, how he has let this production stuff itself on empty-calorie filler to the tune of 140 long minutes of running time. As a result, the movie outstays its welcome by almost an hour, and you could not give a hoot whether Firth’s suave savage of a Savile Row spy saves the world from Julianne Moore’s psychopathic drug baroness. There’s also too much of top-billed youngster Taron Egerton (Firth’s rookie running mate) while the likes of Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges and Halle Berry twiddle their thumbs.
FOCUS
***
8:30 PM 7FLIX
The best way to extract maximum enjoyment from Focus is not to focus at all. Do not look too closely or think too hard as this colourful cavalcade of swindles and stings passes by. Otherwise, the whole thing will shudder to a halt and then instantly fall to pieces. Those pieces will look mighty familiar to anyone who’s seen an Ocean’s Eleven or any other commercial caper flick in the past decade. Will Smith stars as Nicky, a too-cool-for-school conman who knows every trick in the book when it comes to emptying pockets, wallets and bank accounts. Australian rising star Margot Robbie (The Wolf of Wall Street) plays Jess, a small-time solo scammer who wants to learn the light-fingered game from the best in the business. Robbie walks away with scene after scene in the movie, simply by being alive in the moment and alert to all possibilities. In stark contrast, Smith gives very little of himself to his performance.
MUSTANG
****1/2
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
This spirited, haunting and genuinely engrossing drama was a thoroughly deserving Best Foreign Language Film Oscar nominee in 2015. It truly is something special. Don’t miss it if you love top-shelf international cinema. The setting is a small town in northern Turkey, where five teenage sisters are living with their grandmother. While the siblings are at worst a mildly rebellious bunch, the strict cultural edicts that control the behaviour of young women in the region are literally closing in on them from all sides. Every time one of them misbehaves, another lock is bolted to a door, and another window is barred up. The youngest of the group, 12-year-old Lale (Gunes Sensoy) soon becomes the most determined to escape. However, with her grandmother rapidly arranging marriages for her older sisters, she is also fast running out of co-conspirators. Though the film has the floating feel of an ethereal fairy tale, there is a fierce feminist intellect at its core that speaks to the oppression of women everywhere. A near-masterpiece from first-time writer-director Deniz Gamze Erguven.
SKYSCRAPER
**1/2
7:30 PM GO!
Yet again, the indefatigably likeable Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson finds a way to make the seemingly mediocre somehow watchable. The setting of this wonky Die Hard knock-off is a high-priced Hong Kong high-rise, where enigmatically-accented foreign terrorists start a fire on the 95th floor. A little ways above are the only current residents: the wife and children of Will (Johnson). Once the movie gets on a roll – unleashing a new life-or-death situation every few minutes – both the laws of physics and the fundamentals of all human logic are shredded to a pulp. And because it is The Rock continually crumpling common sense into a tiny ball, you may not be able to wipe a big, dopey smile off your face.
SNITCH
**
9:25 PM GO!
In Snitch, that likeable lunk Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson puts his serious acting hat on. Just like you, I never knew he owned one. What’s more, it doesn’t seem to fit so good. While this gap in The Rock’s skill set won’t have you liking the lunk any less, it does take the edge off a crime thriller that was never all that sharp to begin with. He plays an everyday dad looking to save his son – facing a stretch in jail – by infiltrating a murderous Mexican drugs cartel. As you (should never) do. There’s a few enjoyable scenes of trucks being driven in anger, and machineguns being fired very inaccurately. There’s also a lot of scenes where The Rock and the dramatic arts carry on as if they don’t like each other much. Co-stars Susan Sarandon, Barry Pepper.
FROM THE LAND OF THE MOON
{Unrated}
10:20 PM WORLD MOVIES
I haven’t seen this. So here’s the synopsis. Not often you see a movie where the medical condition mentioned is the reason romance takes hold: “In 1950s France, Gabrielle is a passionate, free-spirited woman who is in a loveless marriage and falls for another man when she is sent away to the Alps to treat her kidney stones.”
Originally published as Mega weekend free-to-air TV movie guide