Things the ‘experts’ reckon you should never say to your kids ... and why they’re dead wrong | Susie O’Brien
Ever told your kids “be careful” or “let me help”? You’re failing at parenting – at least according to some progressive experts. Susie O’Brien says they’re dead wrong.
I hope you’re not the kind of parent who says things like “you’re OK”, “practice makes perfect” and “great job” to your kids – because these everyday terms are apparently damaging your children.
Welcome to the scary world of modern parenting, where everything good we’ve taken for granted for decades is now bad, scary and suspect ... if you listen to some so-called experts.
Raising kids has never been more complex or ridiculous than it is right now.
How can phrases such as “good job” that have made kids feel good for generations be rebadged as harmful?
An article in parents.com written by Michelle Crouch notes that such phrases “may be doing more harm than good” and should be avoided if you want to raise a happy child.
“These common phrases are not productive for your child to hear and may lead to more complicated issues such as disordered eating, lack of confidence, and lowered self-esteem,” Crouch’s article says.
Top of the list is “great job”, which she says is a generic compliment that can make children “dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation”.
Much better than such vague positive feedback is something like: “That was a nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate.”
In Crouch’s eyes, “practice makes perfect” is also bad as it will merely “ramp up the pressure”.
Same goes for “hurry up”, which she says will “create additional stress”, and should be replaced with “let’s hurry” because it tells kids that you are both “trying to accomplish the same goal”.
Reassuring them that “you’re OK” is not OK because if they are really hurt, then downplaying their injuries will cause further harm.
Other phrases she want parents to avoid include “I’m on a diet” and labelling food as “good” or “bad”, as they may contribute to body image issues.
Another no-no is “we can’t afford that” which Crouch’s article says should be replaced with “we’re not going to buy that because we’re saving our money for more important things.”
Even a phrase like “be careful” is bad because it could “distract them from what they’re doing”, the lecture continues.
Even “let me help” has been sent to the naughty corner because it could “undermine a child’s independence”. Seriously.
Crouch quotes someone called Deborah Carlisle Solomon, author of Baby Knows Best.
This, my friends, pinpoints the problem.
Taking any advice from someone who thinks a baby knows better than its parent is completely ridiculous.
It reminds me of a movie a few years ago called Parental Guidance that spoofed modern parenting. Actor Marisa Tomei played a mum who was leaving her kids with her parents, played by Billy Crystal and Bette Midler.
“There’s a way we talk to our kids,” Tomei told Crystal and Midler.
“Where you would say ‘no’, we say ‘maybe you should try this’.
“You would say, ‘don’t’, we say, ‘consider the consequences’.
“You would say ‘quit your whining, you’re giving me a headache’, we would say ‘use your words’.”
Did this make the children in this movie well-behaved and well-adjusted? No. They were little brats who didn’t have any respect for anyone.
It’s easy to dismiss these approaches as wacko missives from the fringes of the parenting canon, but even teachers and childcare workers take a similar tack.
In one Australian state government guide to teaching, an early childhood teacher reconsiders asking a slow-eating child to hurry up and finish morning tea for fear of bullying him.
I’m left wondering who’s in charge. Not the teachers or parents, it seems.
When parents need a guide to talking to our own children, it’s a sure-fire sign that things are out of whack.
These days too many kids don’t get told no. Or be quiet. Do what you are told. Stop talking. Parents end up tiptoeing around their kids, too scared to tell them off for fear of making them anxious or violating their human rights as autonomous individuals.
Kids need to be encouraged and supported, but they also need to know who’s boss. Us – not them.
It time for parents to take back control.
We need our kids to be pulled in line when it’s needed, reminded that they’re not the centre of every universe and given plain basic commands and compliments.
I’m left sympathising with Artie, Billy Crystal’s character, who couldn’t cope with his daughter’s idea of turning everything into “teachable moments”.
“All I hear is ‘Use your words, use your words’ – but the word they never use with the kids is ‘no!’” he says in the movie.
He’s right.
What do you think? Leave a comment or email us at education@news.com.au
Susie O’Brien is the author of The Secrets of Half-Arsed Parenting.
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