Explained: Six ways you can be a better grandparent
Modern grandparenting is packed with pitfalls – and just giving a card for birthdays isn’t enough. Here are six simple tips to build a beautiful bond with your grandkids.
Once upon a time becoming a grandparent was a gentle descent into couch-based hobbies, crossword puzzles and popping a fiver in a Hallmark card whenever it was a grandchild’s birthday.
But all that has changed. Today’s grandparents come with vibrant lives, strong ideas about the role they might play, sometimes a new partner and a lot of opinions. If they tutted quietly in the past, now they share. On screen time. On routines. On whether their daughter should really be doing baby-led weaning when surely it’s time the kid needs some vegetables. And preferably on a spoon, not out of one of those ghastly sucky pouches.
Acknowledging that the relationship is now more complex and nuanced, renowned psychologist Dr Terri Apter – a grandmother herself – has written a book offering insights on how to navigate this new terrain balancing support, respect and personal boundaries.
“Grandparenting has changed because grandparents have changed. Today’s grandparents are healthier, more active and still have continuing ambitions,” says Dr Apter, author of Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across Generations.
Yet while today’s grandparents are actively pursuing their own personal and professional goals, the cost-of-living crisis, spiralling childcare costs and more working mothers has meant young parents now rely on grandparents for childcare and support more than ever.
Here are Dr Apter’s six tips for successful grandparenting:
Communicate how much you are willing to help
With grandparents still often working or busy with travel and hobbies, Apter says it’s important for new parents not to presume they will step into a childcare role. Equally, it’s important grandparents communicate clearly what not just what help they can give, but also what they want to give.
As she says, grandmothers, in particular, should remember it’s not compulsory to help. “A lot of grandmothers feel that in order to protect their feminist legacy they need to help their daughter or daughter-in-law so they can establish their career.”
Apter says the key is balancing the joy of being with your grandchildren and the pleasure of being useful with not wanting to burnout or overtax yourself. “That involves a pretty careful conversation with your own child.”
Don’t be a competitive grandparent
If you’re feeling that the other set of grandparents are favoured or enjoy more time with their grandchild, instead of complaining Apter suggests raising the issue in a positive way.
Rather than making snide of negative remarks, she recommends being clear about the relationship you want to foster with your grandchild.
“Perhaps say something like, ‘It’s important for me to see my grandson on his birthday, can we arrange it and I can be flexible’.”
If the paternal grandparents feel that their daughter-in-law is prioritising her own parents as grandparents, it’s best not to burden their son, she advises. “You want to be confident but not in a way that alienates other people like your daughter-in-law.”
She also warns against claiming more time with the grandchildren because you have a bigger house.
Accept that your advice may not be welcome
Parenting styles have change dramatically as evidenced by the new trend of “gentle” parenting and young parents often take their advice from social media rather than the extended family.
“Your best intentions may be perceived as criticism,” says Apter, who advises that wisdom can be shared but with sensitivity. She advises listening more, judging less and recognising that each generation brings new insights to child-rearing.
Be a stable emotional anchor
While blended families can create chaos with kids having multiple grandparents with varying names, grandparents can play a crucial role during difficult family moments such as divorce.
Research shows that children with close grandparent relationships navigate family changes more smoothly if grandparents can maintain neutrality and provide a sense of continuity.
Think before you speak to teenage grandchildren
Apter says her own bond with her grandmother was killed off when she was 14 when she overheard her grandmother telling her mother: “She’s got fat.”
As she writes in her book: “That single comment closed her to me.”
While she recognises that grandparents will make mistakes, Apter advises looking for opportunities to re-engage. She advises telling a teen what you love about them or that it’s interesting hearing what they have to say.
Asking what they’re reading or watching gives the opportunity to tell a teen that they bring the world to you in a new way, she says. “Get back to the idea that you cherish them.”
Coping with estrangement
With familial estrangement more common, grandparents who are denied access to their grandchildren whether through divorce or stressful relationships can suffer tremendously.
Apter says the key consideration when hoping to repair the connection, is showing you are willing to listen.
Even if the grandparent hears things they think are unfair or that they can’t make sense of, it’s imperative to try to see things from their child’s point of view.
The key question she suggests grandparents ask of their children is: “What do you need from me to let me back into your life.”
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Originally published as Explained: Six ways you can be a better grandparent
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