Study finds parents can add to a student’s stress and fear of failure

It might feel like you’re helping, but there’s a common trap parents are falling into that Australian researchers say is a “barrier to success”.

High school students want their parents to be positive, loving and encouraging rather than add to their stress and fear of failure, new research shows.

The Australian Research Alliance for Children and Youth report, Please Just Say You’re Proud of Me, reveals students sometimes feel pressured rather than supported by their parents.

Extensive consultations with 93 students from years 10, 11 and 12 across Australia suggest parents’ own expectations and dreams for their students can act as a barrier to success.

Rather than issue demands to work harder and do better, students want their parents to be understanding, empathetic and offer practical guidance.

Students sometimes feel pressured rather than supported by their parents.

The consultation indicates that many students have a different or broader view of what it means to “do well” at school than their parents.

Students think success includes not just academics but “establishing and maintaining friendships, developing life skills, and doing well in extra-curricular activities,” lead author Alasdair Roy OAM said in the report.

“While parent engagement in their education was valued by most students, and was seen as beneficial in motivating them and keeping them on track, there were sometimes disconnects between parents’ expectations and a student’s aspirations or levels of achievement,” Mr Roy said.

“Many students noted the impact of this pressure to do well on their mental health and the challenge of maintaining a healthy balance between study, friends and family life,” he said.

“Students’ comments suggest that their parents did not always have the skills, understanding or the time to assist them with their education, although many would welcome more practical support.”

Many students have a different or broader view of what it mean to “do well” at school than their parents.

Mr Roy and his team found some students wanted their parents to have a direct relationship with the school, but others felt such direct engagement “could lead to greater pressure being placed on them at home and could affect their autonomy to make their own decisions about career paths and subject choices”.

“Most students talked about the importance of positivity, acceptance without judgment, genuine listening, and providing guidance based on experience while respecting their autonomy,” Mr Roy said.

“Students still very much want the love, approval, and encouragement of their parents, and need to know that parents were proud of them and their efforts,” he said.

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ARACY CEO Penny Dakin said students’ relationships with their parents “may need to evolve with their growing independence — things like discussing learning strategies and making preparations and plans for the future”.

The report has been funded by the Australian Government Department of Education and Training.

Four conversation tips for parents of high school students

1. Focus on the positive, express pride in their achievements often and express acceptance of who they are as a person.

2. Remind them that you love them unconditionally and are always there to help.

3. Offer practical guidance and assistance in tackling stresses and other problems at school and in life generally.

4. Encourage and support them to follow their own aspirations and make their own decisions for their futures, rather than pressure them to follow your dreams.

Source: Australian Research Alliance for Children and Youth

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Originally published as Study finds parents can add to a student’s stress and fear of failure