Here are 20 things you just know Joe Hockey WON’T say in his Federal Budget 2014 speech. But he’s probably thinking a lot of it

AS we wait to see what’s in the Budget, we’ll bet Joe Hockey won’t say any of these things. He’s probably thinking them though.

Hockey considers for a moment saying what he actually thinks.

FEDERAL Treasurer Joe Hockey won’t say any of the things listed below in his Budget speech tonight.

But as sure as the price of a six pack of beer will rise, you can bet he is thinking them.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Like all governments, our first Budget is super tough because we know you’ll have forgotten it by the 2016 election.”

But don’t worry, his pre-election Budget will have plenty of the traditional pork-barrelling.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “We’ve found a way to make home ownership affordable for all.”

He won’t say this because he doesn’t have a clue how to fix this. No one has a clue. Why this isn’t a bigger day-to-day issue is a mystery.

Housing affordability??? Oh, that’s a good one. AAP Image/Daniel Munoz

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Expensive cigars like the ones us overpaid pollies can afford to smoke will be much cheaper.”

But the cheap ciggies normal people smoke will undoubtedly go up again.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Australia’s economy is actually humming along quite nicely.”

Which by many measures, it is.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “The way service stations change their prices every day, you won’t even notice we’ve put the price of petrol up.”

It’s true. We won’t. Not at the bowser, anyway. The hip pocket is a different story.

He’s nobody’s fuel. Photo by Stefan Postles/Getty Images

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “We’re keen to work with the Greens on this important environmental measure.”

No one’s keen to work with the Greens. On Anything.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Hmmm, I wonder when the ‘blame Labor’ excuse stops working. It should get me through this budget, but how soon afterwards does it expire?

Even your staunchest supporters are starting to wonder the same thing, Joe

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “This is a tough Budget, but it would have been immensely tougher had not Wayne Swan and Labor so skilfully navigated Australia through the stormy waters of the GFC”

In truth, no one believes this. Australia probably just got lucky during the GFC but that didn’t stop Kevin Rudd from claiming credit.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Climate change is the greatest moral, economic and social challenge of our time.”

He won’t say it because he doesn’t believe it and Kevin Rudd shouldn’t have said it because he didn’t believe it either.

As for getting rid of those ugly windfarms, now THERE’S a challenge. AAP Image/Alan Porritt

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “How come Wayne Swan won Treasurer of the Year and I haven’t yet?

Don’t worry Joe, we’re still trying to work out how Swannie won it too.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Unemployment is low, interest rates are low, inflation is low.”

But the truth is, the first two are very low global standards while inflation is low by Australian standards.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Admittedly, the National Broadband Network is more of a mess now than it was under Labor.”

Mind you, that’s like saying a dog’s breakfast is messier than a teenager’s bedroom.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Government debt as a percentage of GDP is 34 per cent in Australia. Compare that to economic powerhouses Germany (86 per cent) or Japan (227 per cent).”

Which is true, but it’s kind of hard to sell budget-balancing tax cuts with those sort of stats.

We’ve often wondered if the books on politicians shelves are for show or if they actually read them. AFP Photo

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Free schnitzels for all!”

But if he really understood what people wanted, he would definitely say this.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Most of the things we told you we’d do before the election were non-core promises.”

Don’t expect to hear the word “promise” or “election” at all tonight. It’s all about what the Government is doing now, not what it promised in the ancient times of 2013.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “We’d like to thank the Gillard government for inspiring us to call our great big new tax a levy.”

He would definitely be thinking this in secret.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “The real problem with our economy is not rampant, uncontrolled government spending, but rapidly declining government revenue from taxes. And that’s why we’re taxing you more from tonight onwards.”

It’d be nice if he admitted this because it’s true.

It’s all about belt-tightening at Budget time.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “Australia has the third lowest public debt in the OECD and the ninth highest economic growth rate.”

Another couple of facts which you suspect won’t be spruiked very loudly tonight

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “I’m not actually very good with numbers.”

You’re kidding. We hadn’t noticed. Honest.

MR HOCKEY WON’T SAY: “This is the Budget Australia had to have.”

Which may well be true, but he’d never paraphrase Paul Keating. Ever.

Originally published as Here are 20 things you just know Joe Hockey WON’T say in his Federal Budget 2014 speech. But he’s probably thinking a lot of it