Stop the boats, start the party: Melbourne turns it on for the AFL grand final parade

The last time the Swans did an AFL grand final parade they were so far away from the people who came to see them that they may as well have been floating down Sydney Harbour, not the Yarra.

Indeed, the return to land-based vehicles has been warmly welcomed by all concerned.

“I’m glad they’ve got rid of the boats,” said Sydney forward Will Hayward. “Much happier to be sitting in the car; I get seasick. I think it’s good to be back to how it’s always been.”

Sort of. Another year, another tweak to the parade route: on Friday it snaked through the Melbourne Park precinct, avoiding the CBD entirely before spilling out into the “footy festival” in Yarra Park, just in front of the MCG, where both teams and their coaches were presented to the masses on a perfect afternoon.

You see and hear all sorts of things along the way. Old fans and infants. Unabashed footy tragics and newcomers. A tour group from India. Pride scarves and Indigenous guernseys. Those stupid hats with long fabric dreadlocks stitched into them. All the colours of the 18 clubs – make that 19, actually, since there were a few Tasmania Devils tops around the place. Lots of old Fitzroy gear. At least one Penrith Panthers jersey and, surprisingly, nothing of the Rabbitohs. Not that we could spot, anyway.

A few Sydney fans were overheard complaining about how you can’t use your credit card to tap on to a tram or train in Melbourne like you can do back home; instead you have to fork out for a Myki card. Hear, hear.

This bloke clearly prioritises his protein intake.Credit: AFL Photos via Getty Images

The procession of Toyota HiLuxes (an AFL sponsor, of course) was led by two blokes on stilts – one each in a Swans and Lions guernsey, both wearing sleeves on their arms and elongated legs to give the impression they were highly muscular individuals. Hey, why not?

Not far behind them were two sets of marching brass bands, each belting out the respective club songs.

The route may need further tinkering. There was a stretch of at least 150 metres, as it went over a bridge, where there were no fans at all, followed by a dead end, which forced this correspondent to double back through the crowds to catch up with the motorcade.

Such logistical challenges didn’t stop one group of switched-on youngsters below the bridge, who spotted Swans stars Isaac Heeney and Robbie Fox sitting on fold-out chairs in the back of one of the utes, and kicked a Sherrin high up towards them. It didn’t quite hit the target; hopefully not a bad omen for the Swans.

Robbie Fox and Isaac Heeney of the Swans attend the 2024 AFL Grand Final Parade at Melbourne Park.Credit: Joe Armao

“You should have won the Brownlow, mate,” one fan was heard telling Heeney, before another lodged a request for him to amass at least 25 disposals in the grand final. He looked far too young to be on the punt.

The footy festival’ precinct itself was a hive of activity, and will remain so well into Saturday night. It’s littered with sponsored activations, most notably a “lawn party” hosted by Bunnings, complete with a DJ inside a gazebo, and a mini McDonald’s inside a super-sized bucket of fries tipped on its side. Everywhere you turned, something was happening: here was past Lions premiership hero Alastair Lynch being interviewed over the fence by a bunch of teenage Brisbane supporters; there, a happy, healthy-looking, no longer troubled West Coast Eagles premiership star Ben Cousins telling war stories to another group of them.

But really, everyone was there to see the current players, and once they were on stage they seemed as awed by the spectacle before them as anyone else.

This being the first grand final not involving a Victorian team since 2006, the environment felt far less partisan than in the past two years, when legions of Geelong and Collingwood supporters overwhelmed the smaller sections of Sydney and Brisbane fans. That was until competing chants of “Syyyyddneeeeey” and “Liiiioooooons” filled the air, a reminder of the tension that had been briefly pushed aside.

Opposing captains Dane Rampe and Lachie Neale show the premiership cup to hordes of fans at the parade.Credit: AFL Photos via Getty Images

“It’s good to lean into the week and appreciate the gratitude of what it brings and what it means to a lot of people in Melbourne and the people who travel down,” said Sydney midfielder James Rowbottom. “It’s nice to give back and enjoy it.”

At the end, grand final captains Dane Rampe (Sydney) and Lachie Neale (Brisbane) held up the premiership cup together, and then put it down at precisely the same time so as not to trigger anyone’s superstitions. That was the signal: the pageantry is over, now the game awaits.

Sydney head coach John Longmire believes the AFL grand final should not be permanently played at the MCG.

His predecessor, Paul Roos, agrees, and told the ABC’s AFL Daily podcast this week: “It should be at the SCG, the grand final, the team that finished on top of the ladder … if it was a truly national competition the game wouldn’t be at the MCG.”

He has a point, but here’s another, unpalatable as it may be to interstate ears. Nobody can do this stuff as well as Melbourne.

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