By Danny Russell
Star forward Harry McKay has opened up about his decision to take three weeks’ personal leave away from Carlton’s struggling senior outfit, revealing he was in such a bad place he had to put his hand up for help.
The 2021 Coleman medallist, who was named by the Blues to make his senior return against West Coast on Saturday during Gather Round, said his mental health started to suffer on the eve of the AFL season.
“I guess five or six weeks ago, late Feb, I started feeling in not a great place mentally,” McKay told The Ben and Harry Podcast.
McKay played the first round in Carlton’s shock loss to a rebuilding Richmond outfit and then stood himself down for the following three weeks – losses to Hawthorn, Western Bulldogs and Collingwood.
“I think the most challenging part of that was me thinking I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was, and everything in my life, to be honest, was in a really great place – the football club, I love my teammates so much and was in a great place in terms of footy,” he said.
“The most beautiful, loving partner and family being so supportive. Everything in my world was in such a great place, and that’s why it was really scary that it didn’t make a lot of sense.”
McKay told his twin brother, Ben, on their podcast that as he began to feel worse he started to “put on a bit of a facade to pretend to be okay when I really wasn’t”.
His brother asked him if that meant he “put on a mask” to hide his struggles.
“Exactly right,” Harry replied.
As the start of the season unfolded, 27-year-old McKay described feeling “really blue”, confused and not himself, but said he tried to remain stoic and push through until his mental health reached a tipping point.
Harry McKay made his return through a VFL scratch on the weekend.Credit: Getty Images
“I got to a place, which was again really scary, but I needed to put my hand up and say ‘I am not OK, I need some help’,” he said.
“Since the moment I did that, the support and the love has been so profound and everyone’s ability to be able to shed some light on what’s been happening and a bit more understanding on this world has been really important.
“It was so irrational because [before that] everything was in such a great place – footy, family, life.
“On paper it made no sense. Which probably added to the want to keep pushing through kind of thing. But the more you did, the worse you felt.”
Ben said was a challenging period for the family.
“From my point of view, from a brother’s point of view, it was extremely scary to see you in the state that you were,” he said
“That’s being totally honest. We are both human and able to share about how we feel, and it was really hard to see someone you love going through what you were.”
McKay said there was also a physical toll to his mental health challenges, and in the past fortnight he had been working on hitting “certain markers” to be able to return to a high level on Saturday, including playing VFL last weekend.
“Something that I have learned through this process is that the domains of life that you love the most – like playing footy, competing with your teammates, inspiring young kids, running around in front of our fans – are actually the hardest thing to do when you are feeling in a dark place,” he said.
“That can be, again, irrational and hard to get your head around, but a lot of people would probably be able to relate to that: When you are feeling at your worst, the things you love are the hardest to do.”
McKay said discussing his struggles had been a weight off his shoulders.
“There’s often a perception of being unsure how people might be,” he said.
“Even with you, Ben, as a brother and someone who is extremely close, but there is always a bit of hesitation around how someone might react.
Bombers key defender Ben McKay.Credit: Getty Images
“But, as I said, everyone has been so beautiful, so caring and alleviated any worry of judgement.”
McKay said he was back to feeling himself again and was excited to run out in front of Carlton fans in Adelaide.
His twin praised Harry for opening up.
“There’s this armour, there’s this stigma, around males especially, in a professional environment to push through and not speak up, but on behalf of myself and our family and everyone who knows you, we are proud of you,” Ben said.
With McKay named in the side for Saturday’s match, it should be the first time the Blues have had twin towers McKay and Charlie Curnow in the same team since round 22 last year.