To have and to hold: When an engagement goes belly up, who gets to keep the ring?

A story in this masthead on Monday has sparked fierce debate around dinner tables across the country. It recounted a sad tale of ruptured love, broken dreams, alleged infidelity and abuse, and a legal squabble over who gets to keep a two-carat engagement ring.

In the County Court of Victoria, Constantinos Hatzis is demanding his former fiancee Anastasia Soulios return a two-carat diamond ring and other jewellery worth more than $100,000.

Con Hatzis and former fiancee Anastasia Soulios.

Soulios has claimed in defence documents that Hatzis was unfaithful during their two-year relationship and repeatedly subjected her to abuse, which absolves her of any legal obligation to hand back the ring.

I sought the opinion of a family court lawyer with extensive experience dealing with marital breakdowns about who might triumph in the case of the bling ring.

“It’s a very bad look to go before a judge and demand the ring back ... courts don’t like that.” She suggested both parties should agree that any gifted jewellery was that, a gift, and “leave the rings where they lie”.

Let’s tap into another opinion. What would the Hollywood star, Elizabeth Taylor, who was engaged 10 times and married eight, reckon? Her flashiest ring, the Krupp diamond, was given to her by Richard Burton. A gift and not an official engagement ring, it weighed in at a finger-bolstering 33.2 carats and is estimated to be worth about $US10 million ($15 million) in today’s money.

So, what did Liz do with the dozens of rings, brooches, bracelets and other pieces of jewellery she accumulated over the course of her peripatetic marital career? Easy. She kept them all and even wrote a book about her favourite pieces. Following her death in 2011, the legendary collection was auctioned off, fetching more than $US156 million ($235 million).

So, a family lawyer and a movie star concur – err on the side of gifts being kept by their recipients. But what’s this psychologist’s view? What do I think our tawdry tale tells us about relationship split-ups and how to navigate them emotionally?

Reading this story, what I primarily detected was anger and its close emotional cousin revenge, feelings that appear to be equally experienced by both sides of this dispute. That is surprising as usually, in break-ups, there is a leaver and a leavee.

The latter, experiencing the results of romantic rejection, frequently feels their anger and revenge more powerfully. But it sounds like these two are equally pissed off at each other.

The diamond pear halo engagement ring.

Anger, the second phase in the well-known Kubler-Ross grief model, is a normal reaction to any loss, including relationship breakdowns. Thoughts of “How did this happen to me?” encourage a sense of victimhood and blaming. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of rumination of how your ex has wronged you.

Anger’s playmate, revenge, is a most curious and pervasive emotion. Social commentator Fran Lebowitz claims to enjoy her revenge served at any temperature, and admits to hanging on to her grudges “forever”. But is revenge, like taking your ex to court to demand the return of gifts, a good idea?

Revenge is usually driven by anger, but is ultimately fuelled by anticipated satisfaction or enjoyment. Studies have found that while there may be initial satisfaction, revenge actually perpetuates the pain of the original offence. Additionally, revenge encourages a cycle of retaliation.

Confucius sagaciously said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

Letting go of the urge for revenge is hard work. But staying angry and plotting vengeance keeps you locked in bitterness and a sense of injustice. It’s better to move on with empathy, compassion and forgiveness, although that is, admittedly, easier said than done. Ultimately, however, it’s the healthier option.

When I first read this story, I sensed the anger and urge for revenge. But I also detected other emotions bubbling under the surface. Once upon a time, these star-crossed lovers must have really been into each other. After all, she gave him a $10,000 watch and he gave her the bling ring. You don’t splurge like that on people about whom you’re ambivalent.

It’s also worth remembering what this piece of jewellery specifically signifies within a relationship. Unlike a nice watch or expensive necklace, an engagement ring signals an increased level of commitment within a relationship. It implicitly tells the person being proposed to that the person popping the question wants to spend the rest of their life with them, and that they are committed to being in a loving, respectful relationship.

I’m hearing, in the lavishness of the gifts they gave each other, the ebbing echo of the love, passion and devotion they had previously felt. What a pity to lose that.

My advice is this: rise above the hurt, let go of your anger and desire for revenge, try to remember the good times, and move on.

So, I agree with the family lawyer and the movie star – she keeps the ring.

Peter Quarry is a retired psychologist and writer.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.