Some kids have never been invited to a party. Here’s why

Making friends – and keeping those friendships – can be challenging for kids.

And with teachers reporting up to 40 per cent of classrooms are made up of neurodivergent children – not all of them with an official diagnosis of autism, ADHD or dyslexia – those challenges can be felt even greater by some.

Authors Madonna King and Rebecca Sparrow surveyed 1200 families with a neurodivergent child and 600 teachers, and interviewed dozens of families, teachers, scientists, psychologists, school principals, autism experts, GPs and speech therapists when writing their book Out of the Box.

How do you help a neurodivergent kid make friends? Credit: Getty Images

It’s a guide for helping neurodivergent children find their place inside and outside the classroom, with advice on navigating diagnosis, finding friends, learning at school and finding a job.

King and Sparrow found that sometimes a parent might encourage their child not to befriend a peer they consider “odd”, “quirky” or “hard work”.

Of all the pages in the book, this section broke my heart.

King said she heard stories of parents telling their child: “Don’t mix with Johnny, I don’t think he’s a good influence, or Mary’s a bit different from us, let’s not invite her to your birthday party.”

Madonna King, with Rebecca Sparrow, wrote Out of the Box, published by University of Queensland Press.

“I feel like crying every time I say this, but we spoke to some kids’ parents and their child had gone from prep to year 12 without ever being invited to a birthday party,” King said.

“What’s the harm in a neurotypical parent saying to a teacher in year 3, ‘Look, is there a kid who never ever gets invited to a party?’

“That child may join in the party, they may go upstairs and watch television, but they will go home with a belief that they have some value.”

Griffith University adjunct professor Tony Attwood said having one friend could make all the difference.

They could be encouraged to “find a friend who is similar to you”.

Children could also be steered towards sports, activities, music or hobbies where they can find friends with similar interests.

King said there had been inquiries into behaviour and performance, but governments were ignoring the “biggest problem facing our schools” in not dedicating more attention to neurodivergent children.

“These [are] gorgeous kids who could contribute so much, but they are not learning in a way that their brain needs them to learn,” she said.

“Is there any wonder school refusal is so high? Is there any wonder that school behaviour is so bad?

“In some cases, children are being suspended 27 times in primary school.

“We found one child who’d been suspended on loop, so he hadn’t been to school for 18 months.”

King said teachers were not being trained to support neurodivergent children.

And while some parents, including in regional areas, struggled to access the professionals needed for a diagnosis because of the financial burden or living in a regional area, others were reluctant to seek a diagnosis for their child, fearing they would be labelled.

“They believe they’ll wear that label for life,” King said.

“But what I found in this research is, if we’re not labelling our child with a neurodivergence, maybe they’re receiving a label of being naughty or too much or unruly.

“I spoke to so many teens who once they were diagnosed, everything made sense.

“They didn’t learn in the way others did, and school was so damn hard.”

Neurodivergent kids can be armed with tips and steered in the right direction to make friends, but parents – particularly those with neurotypical kids – have a huge role to play.

Whether it’s teaching our children it’s our differences, not sameness, that make the world beautiful and interesting, or extending an invitation to the kid who never gets invited, there’s nothing to lose by offering a hand of friendship to someone whose brain might work a little differently to yours.

Tips for making friends

• Teach your child what a good friendship looks and feels like. Teach examples like giving your full attention, nodding, and following up on things your friend is concerned about.
• Join clubs, like drama, chess, robotics, sport, music and debating.
• It’s better to have one or two close friends than be part of a big friendship group where you don’t feel valued.
• Recognise what healthy friendship looks like, including whether they respect your boundaries, are reliable and if you can trust them with personal stories.
• Strong friendships take work – show up for your friends.
• If your child has an interest, let them wear it on their sleeve, literally. This can be a conversation starter to connect with people with similar interests. For example, wear a Broncos cap or a Disney shirt.

Start the day with a summary of the day’s most important and interesting stories, analysis and insights. Sign up for our Morning Edition newsletter.