By Julie Power
Most death notices are anodyne. Not so the tribute to Jennifer Ann Kelly. Known as Jennie to her family, the 88-year-old NSW woman was described by her sons as “our wild and wayward mother” who hated religion and loved drinking and smoking dope.
The tribute, in The Sydney Morning Herald on Saturday, has gone around the world and triggered a call for more honesty about death and the dead, and an end to euphemisms such as “passed” and “gone”.
Jennifer Ann Kelly died on October 28, and a frank and honest tribute by her sons has gone worldwide.Credit: Sean Kelly
Written by her two sons, Chris and Sean Kelly, who grew up in Forestville, it summed up their unconventional mother, who lived most of her life outside Nimbin and The Channon in northern NSW until moving to a nursing home in Turramurra 18 months ago.
Sean Kelly, a Cremorne solicitor and author, said the words had flowed easily when he wrote the death notice. “Sometimes the words just resonate. And the fact that Mum had opinions and was different and didn’t think like everyone else, I just managed to capture her,” he said.
Writing on social media site Reddit, where people commented on the death notice, he said the tribute was written with nothing but affection.
“Of course, you can’t define anyone in a few sentences. She was a fierce and loyal parent of two boys, and we looked after her until the end.”
The brothers have been stunned at the response.
“Your mum sounds phenomenal. The amazing tribute has reached thousands of people in the UK,” a user named Traycie wrote.
Tady added: “I wish I’d known Jenny, she sounds wonderful. Thank you for a wonderful obituary – clearly, Jenny lived until she died.”
Lisa Herbert, author of The Bottom Drawer Book: The After Death Action Plan, shared the death notice on her Facebook page and said: “We would’ve been best friends.”
Sean Kelly was surprised at the worldwide response to the death notice.Credit: James Brickwood
Herbert’s followers wrote that they wanted fewer euphemisms about death. “‘Lost’ is my pet peeve. ‘Oh, sorry to hear you lost your Dad’. Nope. He died. And Mum is not lost, either. She died also.”
Others appreciated its candidness. “[It’s] honest, as opposed to all those people who suddenly become heroes/Mother Teresa when they die.”
Herbert replied: “That’s very true. The ol’ ‘don’t speak ill of the dead’ is alive and well. Like funerals, death notices and obituaries should be as individual as the person they’re for, a true reflection of who they are.”
She said that many doctors saw death as a failure. In a recent blog post on her Bottom Drawer Book site, Herbert quoted Dr Jenny Schwarz, a geriatrician, who said even trainee doctors who wanted to work with the old and dying had trouble saying the D word. “You do not say dead, you do not talk dying. It’s literally taboo,” Schwarz said.
Jennifer Ann Kelly lived life to the full, and has been noticed in death. Credit: Kelly family
But while the praise for the candid death notice was widespread, it was not universal. The reference to Jennie’s love of a drink brought up bad memories for Reddit member Cremasterau, whose family was “cursed by alcohol”. They were fun at parties, but the drinking took its toll.
The death notice read in part: “We spend most of our lives compensating for our upbringing said Jennie. She believed that exposing youth to religion was a form of child abuse. It was impossible to watch the news in her presence due to her vocal outrage at the way the country is run. She held John Howard in particular contempt. Mum grew great dope, never wanted to leave a party and gave up champagne or gin frequently, but never simultaneously.”
Sean Kelly said Jennie’s mother had been a “mad Christian scientist”.
Jennie had done extremely well at school, winning a scholarship to the University of Sydney, but she ran away from home in the mid-1950s. He said his mother became involved with the “mad drunks of the Sydney push”, an intellectual subculture of University of Sydney and UNSW students and staff, trade unionists and leftie personalities.
She had worked at times as a journalist, and called herself one, Kelly said.
Kelly said his mother had loved marijuana. A few decades ago, he suspected she smuggled dope to Sydney in a wheelie suitcase by pretending she had a disability. It was a useful distraction that made her look like an older woman who needed help with her bags.
In reality, she had placed a macadamia nut – from the other big crop near where she lived – in her shoe, which gave the impression she couldn’t walk.
Jennie was cremated last week. A celebration of her life will soon be held near where she lived in The Channon, north of Lismore. Mourners have been encouraged to “bring a shovel”.
She leaves behind two sons and three grandchildren.
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