‘Not sexy enough’: Pia Miranda on the negative feedback young actors face

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week he speaks to Pia Miranda. The actor, 52, is best known for her starring role in Looking for Alibrandi, which turns 25 this year. She has also competed on Dancing with the Stars and The Masked Singer, and won her season of Australian Survivor in 2019.

Pia Miranda: “I’m two wines away from becoming a lesbian. Two chardonnays and I’m there!”Credit: Benny Capp

RELIGION

You have both Italian and Irish heritage. Is it safe to assume you’re a Catholic? Yes, and I love all the traditions of Catholicism. My husband’s a complete atheist – does not understand – but I get really excited about Communion and Confirmation – the sacraments.

Obviously, being a Catholic has been tricky in the past few years. I still have problems with the Church’s views on homosexuality and women not being ordained, but if everyone with progressive views left the Church, it would just be stuck in this mindset. I’m hoping people can change it from the inside out.

Do you still go to Mass? Oh, I’m a fair-weather Catholic, mate [laughs]. I don’t go to church on Sunday, but I still go to the Vatican and love it. The last time I was in Rome, I went to Confession and the priest was like, “What have you done?” And I went, “Oh, everything but murder.” And he was like – seriously – “OK, 10 Hail Marys and your soul will be clean.” [Laughs] I’m like, “Mate, this is why we’re Catholic!”

What’s your personal vision of heaven? People! I love people! If I got to heaven and all the people I’d ever loved were there – and there was heaps of food – I’d be so happy.

And of hell? Full of people who gave me the shits.

SEX

What were conversations about sex like, growing up in your Catholic family? I don’t believe I had many conversations with my family about sex, but I had an older sister and I learnt everything I know through her. I went to an all-girls school and wasn’t really interested in boys for a very long time, and thought, “Am I a lesbian?” Actually, the jury’s still out on that.

I can’t wait to catch up with you in 10 years’ time and ask, “How are things going sexually for you, Pia?” I always say to my husband, “If you die, I’m going straight down the V-Train.” [Laughs]

You’ve been in showbiz a long time. Has it changed much over the years? Recently, I was talking to a young actress and my heart dropped; she was going through exactly the same shit that I went through. I giggled my way through so much bad shit in the hope that I’d get a job at the end. I think I can be pretty sexy, but the negative feedback I’ve had in my career about not being sexy enough – or, at least, the male version of what sexy is – has been really annoying. Nowadays, I don’t give a shit: I don’t need to bow down to casting agents. But for a young woman at the start of her career? I get it when her agent says, “Don’t make a fuss”. Ultimately, it’s up to the men in charge to influence young people and effect change.

What do you not envy about younger generations when it comes to sex? The use of smartphones: sending nudes and other things that can hang around in the ether permanently. And no one’s talking about young men and porn enough.

And what do you envy? I’m so jealous of their freedom to be whoever they want to be! Gender fluidity, sexual openness – dipping your toe into different forms of sexuality. How beautiful that you can just find your way without any judgment.

Well, it reminds me of what you were saying before to your husband … Oh, I’m two wines away from becoming a lesbian. Two chardonnays and I’m there. I’m DOWN!

DEATH

You’ve landed on “death”. Oh, I think about death all the time. Constantly. I read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying when I was 19 and started freaking out.

Wait, where does your preoccupation with death come from? Look, Italians are very consumed by death. My nonna talked about it all the time – and then she ended up dying in church. What a queen!

Wow. That’s so dramatic, I love it. I know. For me, I think it’s the fear of being alone. I’m scared of people I love dying.

What do you reckon happens after we die? I don’t know. And I think that’s where my obsession comes from. I’m so jealous of people who are just resolutely religious and think there’s God, heaven and all that stuff. It feels so reassuring. But I don’t know, and I really wish someone could tell me.

If you were to die today, what would you most regret? Sunbaking. We used to have sunbaking competitions in high school. That just ruins your skin. But I’m OK with regrets. Regrets are great. That’s how you learn.

And what would you regret not having done? Watching my kids grow up and get married. Also, not having had my lesbian years.

What would you be most proud of, looking back? Being a good friend, parent and partner. I’m more proud of who I am as a person than who I am as a public figure. And I’m also proud of the fact that, for 25 years, people have been coming up to me to say, “God, I love that movie [Looking for Alibrandi]!” and I’ve always managed to be nice to every single one of them.

Would you go on Survivor again, or would you rather die? I’d rather die.

Pia Miranda will be performing in ECHO: Every Cold-Hearted Oxygen at Melbourne’s Malthouse Theatre on July 17.

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