I’m 30 and living with my parents. How do I get back on my feet?

I’m in my 30s and feel like I’m failing as an adult. I’ve struggled to find stability in my career. On the side, I’ve worked jobs to get by, but they don’t pay very well or offer long-term stability. As a result, I’ve struggled to stay out of debt and build up my savings. Currently, I’m living with my parents for a few months, which feels embarrassing. I feel like I’m behind my peers. How can I rebuild, and have it actually last this time?

You’re not alone in this. It’s common for people to feel shame or disappointment around how their life is turning out. The external circumstances may vary – e.g. it could be following a divorce, failed business, or financial set-back – but the underlying sentiments are similar.

Living with your parents? Lacking savings? It’s not too late to rebuild.Credit: Simon Letch

The good news is: I’ve seen plenty of people rebuild, stronger than before.

The practical part of this is simple on paper. You need to increase your income or decrease expenses enough so you can start paying down debts and saving more. In terms of actionable steps, make sure you are:

• Writing down every expense for the next month (to get clarity on your spending patterns)
• Putting all savings into in a separate account (to ensure you aren’t just “mentally” saving and hoping there will be money left over, but you are physically putting money aside as well)
• Putting a small amount into an emergency fund that you do not use to pay off debts (otherwise, you’ll always have zero savings, putting you at high risk of going back into debt)

These steps sound simple, so why does it feel so hard? The part that holds people back from rebuilding is their mental game. If you want to break the cycle, here’s what to focus on:

Instead of only focusing on the immediate financial impact, start asking – what impact will this have in six-months?

Redefine ‘success’ and ‘failure’

The first thing holding you back might be how you’re defining ‘success’ and ‘failure’.

By whose standards are you failing? Where did you develop those standards from? Are those standards serving you, or punishing you? If you’re comparing yourself to others, is that fair? Is it fair to compare yourself to someone who might have had different resources or advantages?

For some, living with parents might be a sign of failure. But isn’t having familial support a privilege to enjoy? For some, not having a stable career might be a sign of failure. But isn’t the freedom to explore your options a privilege to enjoy?

You’ve crafted a story that makes you feel like you’re failing, but that’s not the whole story. What about the perseverance it’s taken to keep going? What about the resilience you’ve shown?

Why not rewrite your story so it reflects all the qualities, experiences and lessons you have accumulated over time – not just your bank balance? Otherwise, shame and self-judgment will make it hard for you to make sustainable change. You can’t build a solid foundation if every step forward is clouded by doubt, fear or self-criticism.

Focus on sustainability over speed

The mistake people often make when trying to rebuild after a setback is trying to go too hard and too fast, fuelled by a desperation to “catch up”. They want results fast.

The problem is, you can’t start a marathon by sprinting. Without some random stroke of luck, rebuilding your life won’t happen overnight. If you go too hard in the beginning, you’ll burn out.

This leads to the one-step-forward, two-steps-back cycle. You might hustle hard to get out of debt, but if those aren’t sustainable changes you’ll eventually start slipping back into old habits.

Being overly attached to short-term results makes it difficult to stay the course. You get frustrated or disappointed when you don’t see results quickly, leading to exhaustion or demotivation.

If you want to break the pattern, you have to trade in “fast” results for “sustainable” results. This will look different for everyone, but in general you want to be thinking more long-term.

For example, instead of taking a casual gig that might be easier to get but offers few shifts, spend a little longer looking for a more stable part-time job. Instead of chasing quick hacks or discounts, review your expenses to identify sustainable changes to your spending patterns.

Instead of only focusing on the immediate financial impact, start asking – what impact will this have in six-months? This will help you prioritise opportunities that have a more lasting, and often bigger, impact in the longer term.

Remember, you are not starting from scratch, you are building on experience. Don’t disregard your life experience just because your bank account isn’t where you’d like it to be.

When you start seeing your experiences as assets, you will start to regain confidence. Instead of feeling beaten by life, you may even start to feel excited about writing a new chapter.

Paridhi Jain is founder of SkilledSmart, which helps adults learn to manage, save and invest money through financial education courses and classes.

• Advice given in this article is general in nature and not intended to influence readers’ decisions about investing or financial products. They should always seek their own professional advice that takes into account their own personal circumstances before making any financial decisions.

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