As an Australian living in the US, I’ll spend more than $50,000 to have a baby

My calling to have a baby was akin to my desire to move to New York. What started as a soft whisper became all-consuming. After five years and thousands of dollars on visas, I was able to make New York City my home and one of the great loves of my life, with greater loves waiting ahead.

Amid this journey was my wife, who is American. Once we turned 35, we knew it was time to start building a family. With no fertility issues besides a diminishing egg count, which is standard for my age, we got the green light to start intrauterine insemination (IUI) – the “cheaper”, less invasive version of in-vitro fertilisation (IVF).

Amanda Smith (right) and her wife are doing everything they can to afford having a child, including accessing superannuation on compassionate grounds.

We did three cycles at approximately $7800 per round, which came to a total of about $23,000. The emotional, physical and financial toll of having no answer as to why it didn’t work and nothing to show for the money spent was devastating. Moving onto IVF was our only choice.

Our friends were announcing their second unplanned pregnancies, renovating their homes or buying a second as an investment. Those who chose not to have kids were travelling, starting businesses and considering moving to Spain.

We belonged in neither camp – not yet parents, home owners, or happily child-free or financially free.

As an Aussie expat, I was no longer eligible for Medicare or private health, which meant I couldn’t easily go home and do it there. At least not immediately. My wife wouldn’t be able to take months off work to be with me.

Because we’re using my eggs, and I’m carrying, it’s important to go through the process where she feels most connected and has a sense of control. She wouldn’t have that back home in Australia, where she wouldn’t even be able to drive us to appointments.

Clinics work only with certain cryobanks and Australian-compliant donors. We’d have embryos stored in a country we’re not living in, which could get complicated. Plus, there’s the cost of the flights, accommodation and disruption to work schedules, which would add thousands of dollars on top of the cycle.

There are many hidden costs and considerations for same-sex couples who live abroad. Sometimes the smarter choice is the one that feels right emotionally, not just economically.

I’m grateful to have two homes now, but I’m careful not to handpick the best aspects of each country. America is wonderful for professional opportunities and travel, but Australia wins when it comes to lifestyle, healthcare and government support.

I remind myself how lucky I am to experience both countries, and how time is life’s most important currency. Most big financial decisions are about much more than money. Many financial matters must be solved by the heart, not just the head.

We have chosen to do one round of IVF in America, which will cost about $US21,000 ($33,000) including the consultation, medications, hysterosalpingography, blood work and ultrasound monitoring visits, egg retrieval, anesthesia and fresh transfer.

Smith (right) and her wife in New York.

To pay for this, we’re pulling out all the stops – from hitting our savings and using a low-rate credit card to accessing my superannuation on compassionate grounds.

All in, with our three IUI cycles and one IVF cycle, we’re expecting to be out-of-pocket about $56,000. I try not to do the currency conversion because that’s where Aussies get tripped up and tempted back home.

An upside of this whole journey? I can look at the $12,000 out-of-pocket cycle in Australia as “cheap”.

We’ve seen couples go to great lengths to have a child, too. Some take jobs with big conglomerates such as Starbucks and Target just to get insurance, while others arrange group trips to IVF hotspots such as Poland and Spain. These are people who will make wonderful parents, raising resilient children.

There’s one line that I kept at the forefront of mind while I was going through my green card journey: making my dreams come true is the best way I’ll ever spend my money. It was true for moving to New York, and it’s the same for having a baby.

When your back is against the wall, and you have to find a way to make the impossible happen, you learn a lot about yourself. You break through previous limitations, gain confidence in finding a way when it comes to big financial purchases, and learn to lean on others for help.

Committing $56,000 to have a child has brought us closer as a couple and helped us see what we can, and will, save for other big life milestones, like buying a house.

Most importantly, I’ll be able to look back at the end of my life knowing I put everything into every dream I had, even those that once seemed impossible. And that is priceless.

Amanda Smith is an Australian writer and cultural journalist. She lives in New York City.

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