Saxon Ratliff (Patrick Schwarzenegger) is having a very relaxing stay, but is definitely not “well”.
Welcome to season three of The White Lotus, in which we’re invited to enjoy the tranquillity of Thailand, quiet our chattering monkey minds and wait, is that the sound of gunshots? Or is it just the gunshot of our thoughts! Oh no, those are definitely gunshots.
In these weekly recaps, we’ll be conducting a White Lotus Wellness Check (patent pending), ranking guests according to who’s having the most relaxing stay. Let’s meet our new crew.
Warning: These recaps are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode one of season three of The White Lotus. OK? Let’s go!
MOST RELAXED
Belinda (Natasha Rothwell) is doing pretty well this week.
Belinda: Remember Belinda (Natasha Rothwell) from season one? The last time we saw her, Jennifer Coolidge had abandoned her promise to finance Belinda’s wellness centre. Now she’s in Thailand for three months hoping to learn wellness techniques to bring back to Maui.
“You sure know how to treat a burnt-out bitch!” Belinda marvels as a staff member nods politely. She loves “the culture” (she means candles)! She loves that her son is coming to visit!
… Wait, wasn’t that her son who was caught in the shooting in the opening flash forward scene? Oh well, at least Belinda is relaxed for now.
NOT TOTALLY RELAXED
Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood) and Rick (Walton Goggins), the grumpiest man to ever put on a tropical shirt.
Rick and Chelsea: Rick (Walton Goggins) starts his trip by almost getting into a punch-on on the boat for smoking a cigarette, which is to say Rick is the grumpiest man to ever put on a tropical shirt.
Rick isn’t just grumpy because his young girlfriend, Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood), says things like “Rick barely works!” to strangers. Rick is grumpy because he’s quite keen to meet an American businessman named Hollinger – so keen that he just scrolls through Google image results of Hollinger, like he’s got a crush on him – but Hollinger’s wife/White Lotus owner Sritala (Lek Patravadi) says he’s not there. Poor Rick, it’s awful to have a crush.
It’s unclear how long he and Chelsea have been together or how they even met – she doesn’t act like someone who has money (compliment) – but every time Chelsea speaks, Rick looks at her like he has recently ingested glass.
She eventually leaves to drink martinis. Luckily, another young, beautiful woman joins her, compliments her teeth (girl stuff!) and they bond over having old, balding boyfriends.
“You’ll notice a lot of bald white guys in Thailand,” the woman says, explaining that locals refer to them as “losers back home”. They decide to get pissed, and it’s all very stunning until you realise this model’s balding boyfriend is Greg. JENNIFER COOLIDGE’S GREG. Not sure what this means, probably fine!
Laurie (Carrie Coon), Kate (Leslie Bibb) and Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan) are definitely not on a “midlife crisis trip”.
Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie: Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan), Kate (Leslie Bibb) and Laurie (Carrie Coon) are “long-time friends, not old” who absolutely love one another. Oh, they could just grab each other’s necks and shake and shake and shake and drop each other over a pit of lava, they just love each other that much.
Jaclyn is an actor who has paid for everything and reminds everyone of this by repeatedly offering them her room, the shirt off her back, her kidneys, etc. Kate has married a rich man and is a stay-at-home mum with perfect children. Laurie has a corporate job, which Jaclyn and Kate clearly regard as absolute freak behaviour.
They all seem happy to be in Thailand, so happy that they need to manically remind each other how lucky they are to be there and how lucky they are to still be friends and how lucky they are to be successfully denying the ageing process.
“You look amazing!”
“No, you look incredible!”
“No, no, but you look like you just got pushed out of the birth canal!”
Every conversation involves them taking turns praising each other, like they’re laying a small white feather on one another’s heads with the eventual goal that their heads will be so heavy with several hundred kilograms of feathers it will bore them into the centre of the earth. At the end of the first night of their “victory lap” (not “midlife crisis trip”), Laurie excuses herself, takes a bottle of white wine and lets out a cartoon sob while looking through the window at her friends. Feels like a girls’ trip to me.
LEAST RELAXED
Timothy (Jason Isaacs) and Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey) are not relaxed at The White Lotus.
The Ratliffs: Timothy and Victoria Ratliff (Jason Isaacs and Parker Posey) have travelled from Somewhere USA so their middle child, Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook), can interview a Buddhist monk for her thesis. Everyone thinks this is ridiculous, and not even Piper seems particularly jazzed about it.
The eldest child, Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger) – probably the least well of the Ratliffs – cannot seem to get through a single conversation without mentioning his sexual desires or what he assumes to be the sexual desires of his siblings. Normal stuff! He spends his time standing in the pool with the top of his head bobbing out of the water like a shark and staring at women.
At bedtime, he advises his younger brother Lochlan (Sam Nivola) that he should not be like their sad sister who loves Buddhism (“She’s pretty hot, but she has never been laid”), but should instead be like him, a person who has sex.
Saxon: “OK, goodnight.”
Lochlan: “Yes, goodnight.”
Saxon: “... So, what kind of porn do you like?”
The vacation is not going well if you’ve already had to look at your creepy older brother’s bare butt.Credit: HBO
Poor Lochlan just wants to decide where he should go to college, not look at his brother’s bare butt or do a spa treatment that will improve his posture. His dad also has no interest in that after struggling with the digital detox (“WHERE AM I TO TAKE CALLS!”) and being hounded over his business partner’s potentially shady deals.
Despite the assurances of his wife Victoria that their life is perfect and nothing could harm them, not one single thing, Timothy later stares at the balcony like he may just jump off it. But maybe that’s because Victoria fell asleep at dinner and then said, “Scratch my arm” like she was a very big cat.
The White Lotus streams Mondays on Binge.
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