Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and the ‘everything but the divorce’ split

In a year of celebrity divorces, one couple seem to be bucking the trend. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith revealed that she and Will Smith have been separated since 2016, but do not intend to divorce.

“I made a promise that there will never be a reason for us to get a divorce. We will work through ... whatever,” the actor and talk show host explained in an interview on the Today Show. “I just haven’t been able to break that promise.”

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have been married since 1997, but separated since 2016.Credit: AP

The couple, who married in 1997, have never been shy about sharing intimate details about their lives, including Pinkett Smith’s “entanglement” with August Alsina, a rapper 21 years her junior. But while the pair have been happy to do away with traditional hallmarks of successful relationships, like monogamy, marriage appears to be the one thing they’re holding on to. And they’re not alone.

Separation without divorce

“In Australia it’s not too uncommon to have a big gap between when you separate and when you divorce,” says Dr Belinda Hewitt, a professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne. The average period from separation to divorce in this country is three to four years.

“What happens after 12 months is that most people have done their financial settlements, their custodial arrangements and then they’re kind of like, ‘Well, there’s no point really in going through this final bit until we absolutely have to’.”

A common provocation to finalise a divorce is when one party enters a new relationship.

Elisabeth Shaw, cheif executive of Relationships Australia NSW, says another reason couples may remain married without separating is because they’re ambivalent about the status of their relationship.

“They might realise they’ve reached an impasse, after attending counselling and just can’t see a way forward.” But she says they may not be prepared to let go of the relationship completely.

When to call it quits, and when to stay

Despite their separation, Pinkett Smith told People that she and Will are still “figuring it out”. She continued, “we’ve been doing some really heavy-duty work together. We just got deep love for each other, and we are going to figure out what that looks like for us.” So, how do you know when to keep working towards reconciliation, and when to walk away?

While every couple is different, and there is no recommended time period for a separation. Shaw says, in her experience, “a couple of years is too long, particularly if children are involved”.

She adds that it’s common in a separation for one party to hold out hope for a reconciliation. “There’s a point at which you’re just fanning the flames of hope,” which is when it may be time to finalise a divorce.

“If there are children involved or if there’s one hopeful partner, then not getting divorced can be less helpful than just closing off the relationship.”

How to go about a separation healthily

It’s important to be kind and respectful, and recognise that the relationship was meaningful. But it’s equally important to be clear about the separation.

“You might say you want to separate, but your actions might be inconsistent with that decision,” says Shaw. Having clear boundaries around when you interact with a former partner can help each party move on.

Attending counselling or using a mediator can be a helpful way of progressing the separation and making peace with a decision. It can also be helpful to gently suggest times to meet up and move through tasks that need to be done.

Shaw says that if children are involved, it’s important to model good behaviour. “I think a lot of parents might just focus on telling the kids that they’re loved, but if kids see their parents acting destructively or saying hurtful things, they can feel horribly compromised and very sad.”

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