Who gets the friends in a divorce? It depends on who you ask

When Tamsin Jowett decided to separate from her husband of 25 years, she says she discovered what true friendship really is.

“Our separation was sudden and was a dramatic change,” says Jowett. “So much comes to light in those first few months. It’s an emotional rollercoaster exacerbated by the grief of losing that future.”

But in her darkest days, her longtime friend Oenone Ritman was there.

Tamsin Jowett (right) says Oenone Ritman (left) was there in her darkest hours.Credit: Chris Hopkins

“I’ve known Oenone since my uni days when we studied law together. We’ve been close friends through life’s ups and downs. She knew my ex through me, but there was never any doubt who she was supporting.”

While divorce is often a traumatic experience for the couple, along with dividing up finances and other assets, there’s the question of the loyalties of family and friends. Put simply, how do you decide who keeps the friends?

Often, while those friends that you fully owned before the marriage may go into the asset pool, experts say they will (almost always) stay with their original owner.

Friends that were made together present more of a challenge, especially where your relationship spans several decades. If you met your spouse at university for example, you may have a joint crew that dates back to that time. Or there may be “couple friends” whom you met on holiday together or at your kids’ school.

Sorting through the division of friends during a divorce can be delicate and emotionally charged. While there are no strict rules, divorce coach and strategist with The Separation Guide Naomi Cao says there are some general guidelines for how separating couples can handle the new landscape with grace and understanding.

• Accept that division may happen. “It’s natural for friends to take sides or feel caught in the middle,” says Cao. “Understand that people may drift toward one partner based on pre-existing bonds or personal comfort.”
• Avoid forcing choices. Much as you might want to build your support team, Cao says you should resist pressuring mutual friends to choose a side. “Instead, allow them the freedom to maintain connections with both parties if they wish.”
• Allow time and space. Friends might need time to adjust to new dynamics. Be patient and give them the space to work through their own feelings and relationships. “Friendships during this time may evolve, strengthen, or even fade,” says Cao. “Keeping kindness and self-respect at the forefront can help you navigate these shifts while fostering supportive, lasting connections.”

Saying goodbye

No matter how much you may want to maintain friendships made during your marriage, there will be people who don’t stand the test of time. Losing friends to your ex can be painful — it may well feel like yet another layer of grief to process during an already challenging time.

Coping with this loss will mean you have to dig deep to find resilience. Friends who choose to prioritise your ex may have their own reasons —perhaps that was the closer relationship all along, or they simply feel more aligned with them now. It doesn’t reflect on your value as a person. And it’s OK to grieve.

“Losing shared friends is a real loss, and it’s OK to feel sad, hurt or even betrayed,” says Cao. “Give yourself permission to process these emotions without judgment.”

Jowett says this was hard to process when she split from her husband.

“Sadly, I did lose some friends who were more his friends — and he also needed his own supporters,” she says.

Cao says to focus on your own friendships, build new connections, and try to stay positive.

“It’s easy to fall into resentment or frustration, but focusing on the loss can drain your energy. Instead, prioritise self-care and activities that bring you joy.”

When friends split up

From the other side of the fence, it can be challenging to see your friends splitting up, especially if you’ve known both of them for a long time. At best, you might be upset as your social situation is rocked. You might at first resent feeling forced to choose. At worst, you might feel manipulated or used, a pawn in the continuing battle.

“Create space for your friends to share their feelings,” says Cao. “Avoid being the messenger between the parties, respect your friend’s privacy and don’t gossip with mutual friends.”

For Jowett, whose experience inspired her to become a life coach for women like her, having a friend like Ritman was critical to her wellbeing in the months after she separated.

“When I felt like hiding, Oenone was one of my circle of key supporting friends encouraging me,” she says. “She would message me to check in and call me for chats, suggest outings.

“I knew I could trust her implicitly and it was safe to be vulnerable about my loss, without divorce-shame. I had someone who listened and empathised and didn’t dramatise it or discuss it elsewhere.”

But what if you don’t want to have to choose? Is it possible to stay neutral Switzerland and for all to be well?

“You can remain friends with both parties,” says Cao. “But it does require careful navigation, clear boundaries and sensitivity. More often than not, people will end up choosing a side.”

Of course, if one or other of the married parties has done something undeniably wrong, this changes things. Joint friends often feel honour-bound to take the side of the spouse who has been unwittingly thrust into the role of victim.

Regardless, Jowett says post-separation, she now has a much deeper understanding of the true value of friendship.

“So many feel shame about divorce and hide or feel like a victim, especially after a long marriage. On reflection and through my coaching clients, I know how critical connection and understanding can be so we can step into a new life. We need the support of our friends.”

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