Want to strengthen long-distance friendships? Try these five tips

As someone who has been lucky enough to live in a few different cities – London, Sydney and New York – as well as my native Melbourne, I have cherished friends in all sorts of places. But the older I get, I realise there is a price to pay.

The other day, while in my New York City apartment, a friend in Melbourne sent me a photo of the gorgeous abode another friend was renting for a huge celebration, and I realised I probably wouldn’t be able to make it. The feeling reminded me of when I was living in Sydney, missing another friend’s wedding in the UK’s Devon countryside (ferry boat and all). The whole thing made me wonder if I’m forever destined to be missing a friend somewhere.

It appears accumulating friendships of varying depths is almost mandatory as we take in what the globe has to offer. But what happens when you inevitably part? I haven’t lived in the same city as my best friend for more than two decades. Am I sick of missing them? You bet.

Picking up the phone regularly is a good place to start.Credit: iStock

“The fact that you miss them is testament to the connection that you have,” says Associate Professor Michelle Lim, chief executive of Ending Loneliness Australia. “But you have to manage that loss of connection. It’s just a matter of how often and what’s possible.”

What is possible when it comes to long-distance friendships? How can we keep them strong, whether we’re in different cities, states or time zones?

Find new ways to share the details

Laura Rouhan, of Friends for Good, an organisation that aims to address the huge amount of loneliness affecting Australians, is well versed in the importance of companionship. She has her own long-distance friendship with two others for which they have found a great way to keep it going.

In a chat group, they continually leave voice notes for one another. “I call it ‘updating the friend podcast’,” Rouhan says. “Because to me, it’s like listening to a podcast or as if we’re in the room together. To me, it’s really nice to hear a friend’s voice.”

Friendships thrive on shared confidences, from the frivolous to the deeply personal. So when you’re communicating over a long distance, it’s important to keep that as part of your interactions. “You have to be intentional with your communication,” Rouhan says. “It’s that ‘oh, I just had to tell you this’.”

Stay regular

One of the great ironies of our time is that we’re more connected than ever, yet loneliness is booming. For Melbourne University social psychologist Professor Brock Bastian, it’s not difficult to see why.

“[These days] we keep the connections light,” he says. “No one calls anyone any more – we text. We’re stepping away from those more engaged forms of connection. But if we don’t step into them at some times, it’s hard to build friendships and connections.”

As Rouhan’s voicemail exchanges attest, keeping contact regularly can play a huge role in maintaining friendships over distance. It’s all too easy to want to wait for a momentous piece of news to share, or a special occasion to come up – when really you should just go for it when the mood strikes.

“It’s about making sure that you’re engaged,” says Lim. “It’s about consistency – making sure that you check in, that you regularly update people on what’s happening to you, and ask about what’s happening with them.”

Share the love

One evening while I was at home in Brooklyn, a friend in Sydney worked out a time when it was (just) acceptable to have a Bloody Mary at her end, and we shared drinks together over a phone call.

If this sounds vaguely like lockdown behaviour, you’re not wrong. That era taught us to find ways to have fun even though we were separated. Someone I know takes turns swapping books with a mate overseas, so they can dissect them together, while others game online. There are many options from that period we can still use. We can watch a film or TV series at the same time, cook the same meal or set a mutual fitness goal to work towards.

Lockdown habits can still work to keep long-distance friendships alive.Credit: iStock

“You’ve got to be really super-creative, nimble and flexible,” says Lim. “Manage that sense of loss in a way that’s healthy and redirects that attention to kind of build [something] as opposed to feeling paralysed by it.”

Longer forms of communication, be it through conversations, letter-writing or even old-fashioned postcards, still have a place. They give participants time to dwell more on the friendship at hand, and allow the recipient to feel more appreciated than via a comment on an Instagram post.

Go on, just admit it

Admitting that you’re missing someone shouldn’t be shied away from, says Bastian. Lean into it. Great friendships require a degree of vulnerability.

“I think we undervalue the importance of it, particularly in our culture of independence,” he says. “[But] if you don’t take that risk, ultimately you end up in a far worse off position.”

So front up about how you’re feeling – it will be good for both of you, especially if you’re a man. “It’s hard for a lot of men to be vulnerable,” says Lim. “But it’s very normal, right? It’s quite normal to say, ‘I really miss our catch-ups; I really miss you. I wish I was there.’”

Bear with it

Be easy on yourself, though, and don’t necessarily be too perturbed if you do fall out of contact a little.

“There are always ways to reconnect or connect more deeply,” says Lim.

Most importantly, though, don’t give up, says Rouhan. “It does take persistence. It takes a lot of resilience as well. Keep finding the thing that really sticks and that works for you and that friend.”

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