They’re a childhood rite of passage, so why are more parents saying ‘no’ to sleepovers?

For many children and parents, sleepovers are an important rite of passage. But a growing number of parents are expressing their concerns about overnight stays – and saying “no”.

Melbourne-based counsellor and father Lukas Winward is not comfortable sending his daughters on sleepovers. Having worked in family services and child protection, he is concerned about his daughters, 6 and 8, being exposed to sexual abuse.

Lukas Winward, with daughters Maggie (left) and Layla.Credit: Wayne Taylor

“It’s not an easy thing to say out loud, but it’s something we need to be upfront about if we’re serious about keeping our kids safe,” he says.

Many parents are increasingly weighing up the pros and cons of sleepovers.

And it’s not just worst-case-scenario concerns. From determining whether a child is old enough to navigate screen time while away from home to negotiating friendships beyond the playground, there are many factors playing on the minds of parents.

But for Winward, all sleepovers are a no. At his kids’ school, sleepovers are common.

“It can be a bit of a social issue too. Some parents can then push back and say, ‘Well, we’re not going to invest in that couple or family’, and that’s fine. Safety comes first, and we’re just not comfortable with that level of risk,” he says.

“I’ll say to them, ‘Look, it’s not about you. It’s not that we don’t trust you.’ We’re happy to do play dates and things like that, but this is just not something that we’re going to support.”

He plans to revisit the rule when his daughters are about 15, “when they’re more mature and when they’re more armed to defend themselves, I suppose, in the event of something happening”.

Changing cultural attitudes to sleepovers

Gabrielle Hunt, a PhD candidate at Australian Catholic University and a registered psychologist, says more Australian parents are becoming wary of sleepovers.

Some are worried about the risk of sexual abuse, Hunt says; others are concerned about technology use, she adds, and differing family rules around devices.

Equally, Hunt acknowledges that sleepovers can be an important stage of development for many children.

“Sleepovers can be an opportunity to build really close relationships with their peers and develop resilience about being away from home, and having to look after some of those self-care tasks that might otherwise be prompted by mum or dad,” she says.

Is there a ‘right’ age for sleepovers?

There is no right age for children to start attending sleepovers, says parenting educator and founder of Connected Parenting Genevieve Muir.

A mother of four boys under 18, Muir does allow sleepovers but says the right age has varied from child to child.

“One of my kids has a significant speech challenge. I wasn’t going to let him have a sleepover as fast as his older brother because I knew that should something happen, he wouldn’t have the ability to communicate that as well to me.”

“It’s looking at the skills and where my child is at and thinking, ‘Well, is my child ready?’ Not just in a ‘want to go’ capacity, but in an emotional readiness and a self-readiness,” she says.

Hunt says: “It should be a decision that happens between parents and their children in terms of what they both feel comfortable with.”

Their first sleepover

Ahead of a child’s first sleepover, Hunt says it’s important to nail the basics – like toileting, showering and table customs.

Then, make sure your child has an exit strategy should they need one.

“It’s about communicating, ‘It’s OK if you want to go home’,” she says.

“It’s really common for kids to get to bedtime and miss home, or it’s really scary because it’s the first time. So just reassure children that it’s OK if you need to get picked up, even if it’s late.”

She recommends ensuring your child knows who to speak to should they need an “out”, or scheduling a time for you to call.

And Hunt says preparing your child for their first sleepover should start well before the age they are ready.

Consider an “everything but the sleep” sleepover, where the kids stay up late, have a midnight snack, then return home to sleep.Credit: Getty Images

“The single biggest thing we can do as parents is have open, ongoing, honest conversations about children that empower them,” she says.

How to talk to the host family

Ahead of a sleepover, particularly if it’s your child’s first time with a host family, Hunt recommends talking to the host adults.

This includes broaching topics such as “when is an appropriate bedtime, what your rules and expectations around device-use are, and who else is going to be in the home when this sleepover happens”, including if parents might be leaving kids with a babysitter.

There’s no need to feel uncomfortable asking questions, either, as they can help you and your child feel at ease.

If the sleepover is with a family you don’t know well, Hunt suggests holding a daytime get-together beforehand.

Muir says: If you are simply not comfortable with a family, always trust your gut.

Sleepover alternatives

If you don’t think your child is ready for sleepovers, there’s no need for them to miss out on the fun.

Hunt recommends the “everything-but-the-sleep sleepover” as an alternative, where kids might have a late night but return home to sleep in their own bed.

Muir suggests talking to your child about why they want to attend a sleepover.

“We can’t really expect a child to understand, ‘I’m trying to keep you safe’. They don’t care about that. They just want to go on the sleepover.”

Instead, try to understand their motives.

“It might be, ‘We’re going to have a midnight snack and we’ve been talking about it’. So you could say, ‘Let’s have your friend over, we’ll have a late snack and then I’ll drop them home’. You can come up with alternatives when you understand what the motive is.

“We’re able to really empathise and say, ‘I hear you … it makes so much sense to want to sleep over’.

“It’s not ‘no’ forever, but it is ‘no for right now’. You don’t have to love it – my job is to keep you safe.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.