The two questions I ask myself before I leave a relationship

I don’t mean to boast, but I have never had trouble making decisions. If there are two or more options, I’ll pick one and not think about it again. I can choose a course from a menu in two seconds and a holiday destination in five. I do not agonise. I do not waver. I make a decision and it is done.

But for most of my life there was one exception to this skill, and it was a big one. I could decide on pretty much anything, except whether or not to end a relationship. Since my teens, I’ve agonised over when to call it quits with close friends and romantic partners.

Break up or stay together? This can be a hard decision to make.Credit: ISTOCK

I hung in there for years when I was very unhappily married, sure that I should leave but equally sure I should stay and keep trying. And I persevered with several friendships long after their expiry dates had passed. I would dread catching up with particular friends, but didn’t have the confidence to take the leap and sever ties.

Now, there were all sorts of social pressures that kept me clinging to an unhappy marriage and a few toxic friendships. For one, divorce is deeply stigmatised in our culture. Marriage is supposed to last forever, so divorce is regarded as a failure. What’s more, we place enormous value on love and friendships; the more friends we have, the better off we think we are. We consider relationships to be the pinnacle of success and happiness and conveniently forget that they can also be the source of great pain.

But my indecision wasn’t just due to cultural pressures or social context. It was also due to the algorithm I had always used to make difficult choices.

As a child, I was taught to make decisions by weighing up the pros and cons of each option. If I needed to choose between two jobs, or an outfit, I’d mentally tally the benefits of each and choose the one that came out on top. And for most of my life, this worked very well. But when I tried to apply the same principle to my relationships, it didn’t work at all. No matter how I attempted to weigh up the pros and cons of staying, I couldn’t figure out the tally.

And this was because what I was trying to weigh couldn’t be tallied. In my other decisions, I was weighing up tangible outcomes: this job paid more but had longer hours; this outfit was more comfortable but didn’t look as smart. But with relationships, I was trying to weigh up feelings, emotions.

I loved my partner, but he made me unhappy. I was loyal to my friend, but she constantly judged me. I felt guilty about leaving my marriage, but I was frightened of the future. I felt sad about ending a friendship, but was exhausted by the thought of it continuing. How could I tally up competing emotions? And how could I quantify the hope that one day, the relationships would improve?

Sure, it might be bad now, but if I could just say the right things, or stop doing the wrong ones, or go to more therapy, or lower my expectations, or try a little bit harder, or let more things slide, then maybe – just maybe – things would change for the better?

I loved my partner, but he made me unhappy. I was loyal to my friend, but she constantly judged me.

It was impossible. The formula didn’t work. And so I eventually invented a new one. Now, if I don’t know whether to stay or leave, I just need to ask myself two questions: Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? And do I still enjoy their company?

If the answer to the first is no, I need to exit the relationship. I can’t be with a person with whom I don’t feel safe; it’s the baseline requirement for any interaction. If I don’t feel accepted, respected and supported for who I am, if I can’t be vulnerable and express my needs without fear of judgment, or if the other person doesn’t have my best interests at heart, then I must get out.

And if I don’t like spending time with another person, there is no reason to stay. Sure, it’s nice to have people in my life with whom I have history. But that isn’t enough to keep a friendship going if we don’t genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Life is short and time is precious; none of us should fritter it away on people we don’t like.

But if I answer yes to both questions, then I know I’m on a good thing. I mean, nobody is perfect; everyone is annoying sometimes. And no single person will consistently meet all my needs. But if I feel emotionally safe, and I like being around the other person, and they feel the same about me, then we have an excellent basis for a relationship.

It’s just two simple questions, and the algorithm works. Stay or leave?

It’s now much easier to decide.

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