The golden rules for getting a divorce

As always, Hollywood awards season has dominated the news cycle over summer, running from the Golden Globes in January to the Oscars in March.

But another, more underwhelming season coincides almost exactly, except there’s no red carpet, no TV cameras, and you probably won’t be making a speech thanking your spouse.

It’s a busy time of year for divorce lawyers, as separating couples navigate the process.Credit: Getty Images

Peak divorce season in Australia starts in January. It’s a time when many couples choose to start the process, motivated by the idea of a fresh start and having had time to reflect on their ailing relationship during the break from the workplace.

Around 50,000 divorces are granted in Australia every year. Google Trends data shows searches for the term “divorce lawyer” peak between January 3 and 9, with another spike following Valentine’s Day.

“This is something we see in terms of the volume of people reaching out to speak to us, and the number of people accessing our Q&A,” says Arabella Feltham, separation consultant at The Separation Guide, based in Fitzroy, Victoria. “We see an uplift of around 20 per cent every January.”

If you count yourself among that number, it pays to be prepared. There can be some serious challenges in acrimonious situations, and the more you know, the better you’ll cope.

Gather paperwork

For division of assets, it’s important to get your ducks in a row. This means gathering all the relevant paperwork such as birth certificates, bank statements and proof of income.

“Knowledge is not power in a separation,” says Feltham. “Knowledge is comfort. Understanding that all your assets are included in the joint asset pool can take some of the heat out of statements like ‘You won’t be getting any of my super’, and this can help you to not react.”

You will also need your own bank account, your own credit card, a new will, and a new email address for divorce correspondence.

Prepare for the conversation

While it may be tempting to leap on the breakup bandwagon after a hot cross summer, knowing the perfect time to file for divorce is a complex question. Feltham says she often spends up to an hour helping people pick the right time to have the conversation.

“The big thing I’m looking for here is if I feel there is a safety risk,” she says. “If I don’t think the parties are at risk then I talk them through my basics: ensuring that there are no ‘little ears’ around; using clear and kind language; and having an immediate plan for where you will both be following the decision.”

Tell the children

When it’s time to tell the children, Feltham says she always encourages clients to have the discussion with the children together, showing a united parenting front and demonstrating they are loved and safe.

“Remember that it is not divorce that causes trauma in children, it’s the infighting between the parents. It is easy to let the hurt slip into your parenting, so it’s important that parents understand that they are in charge of shaping the experience for their children.”

Consider a coach

Feeling overwhelmed by your pending divorce? It might be worth considering hiring a divorce coach. A coach will support you through the process, offering practical step-by-step assistance with the logistical aspects and emotional support in a safe space.

“Separation is the second most stressful life event a person can experience,” says Feltham. “Get the emotional support you need early; this will help you remain clear headed and make decisions you are proud of 12 months down the line.”

‘What I wish I’d known’

Catherine Cervasio from Melbourne divorced her husband after 11 years of marriage.

“I did not prepare at all. I had been optimistic that our marriage would improve and that with support, we would survive,” she says.

“There are things I would have done differently with the benefit of hindsight.

Catherine Cervasio says her husband was a director of her skincare company Aromababy when she filed for divorce. They were in court for years afterwards.Credit: PENNY STEPHENS

“I rushed into meeting with a lawyer, thinking it was the ‘right’ thing to do. I think I cried during every meeting,” Cervasio says.

Engaging a lawyer is better left until you’ve had some time to process the situation and have some clarity. Choose your lawyer carefully, perhaps through a recommendation from someone who has had a positive experience. Feeling totally comfortable with your legal representation is critical.

If you have a business, ensure you set it up in the most appropriate way in the event you go your separate ways. At the time Catherine separated, her husband was still a director of her skincare company and they ended up in court for three years over it.

Nurturing yourself and taking time to let go of the pain is also important in separation. It’s important to allow yourself time to grieve.

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