Sophie and her ex broke up five years ago. They’ve been sharing their dog ever since

According to a 2022 report from Animal Medicines Australia, almost half of Australian households own a dog. Unfortunately, almost just as common is the experience of heartbreak, meaning that couples who own a pet together don’t always stay together.

Break-ups are already one of the more unpleasant things to navigate in life. Adding to the mix another sentient life that you’re responsible for can only make things harder, sometimes to the point of needing to be resolved in Family Court, as divorcing couples fight for pet ownership.

But there are other options, such as shared custody.

Sophie Kalagas has been sharing custody of her dog Woody with her ex for five years.Credit: Simon Schluter

After my own short but earnest attempt at shared custody, following a break-up last year, I now have full and (usually) delightful responsibility of my rescue greyhound, Basil. While it’s lovely not to have to share him – and constantly have to see my ex – there are clear negatives to the situation, including Basil developing a serious health issue, which I’ve had to navigate emotionally and financially on my own.

While shared custody didn’t work for me, others swear by it. So, how does it work? And is it what’s best for your pet?

A mutual understanding

Sophie Kalagas, 37, has been sharing custody of her dog Woody with her former partner for about five years.

“I don’t think it was ever a ‘decision’ per se – we’d had him [Woody] for a bit over a year and were both madly in love with him, so neither of us wanted to give him up,” says the Melbourne-based content strategist.

Their arrangement works around a “one-week on, one week off” system, as they pick up Woody from the other’s house.

“But we’re also flexible if one of us goes away or has a particularly busy week at work,” says Kalagas. It’s a scenario that means she and her former partner essentially both have an automatic dog-sitter in the other.

Nahum Kozak, a senior psychologist at Lighthouse Relationships, says there can be a surprising number of positives in a pet-sharing situation.

“Importantly, from my perspective as a couples psychologist, working out the week-to-week needs around a pet can help people practise healthy communication and co-operation, strengthening the possibility of an amicable dynamic post-relationship, and sometimes foster better recovery from a separation.”

While Kalagas says it was initially tricky seeing her ex so regularly, she can now see the positives clearly.

“[It was] kind of like tearing off a Band-Aid over and over again. But looking back, it may have actually made things easier because we never lived in fear of the awkward run-in,” she says. “We got used to knowing each other in a non-romantic way.”

What can go wrong?

However, Kozak says the negative impacts of attempted shared custody can complicate an already difficult process, as people seek to uncouple.

“Grief and anxiety around the break-up can be intensified by considering shared custody of pets. In the long term, a lack of resolution around pet custody can prolong emotional pain and prevent the clean break some people feel they need.”

For Lachlan, 27, who has chosen not to provide his surname for privacy reasons, sharing custody of his cat with his ex rapidly became one-sided. The Sydney-based retail worker says he had his texts and calls ignored by his former partner, who eventually refused to commit to the agreement.

Kalagas says Woody has two loving homes.Credit: Simon Schluter

“I was very much in favour of having shared custody because I didn’t think it would be fair on either one or us for one to just take her when we got her together, and had been equal pet owners,” Lachlan says. He says his ex had different ideas, which were never properly communicated.

Stay together for the hound

While the situation can be confusing for those involved, the pet’s wellbeing should take priority.

Julia Cockram, a dog behavioural consultant and the director of Gumtree Greys, has worked with multiple dogs going through a custody arrangement, and has seen both positive and negative outcomes.

“Going from having constant company to being alone all day can lead to issues such as anxiety. This can manifest in behaviours like inappropriate toileting, chewing, becoming visibly fearful on walks or in the home, or destructive behaviour,” she says.

However, Cockram says the main issues she has seen are due to disagreements over care or training, meaning a dog doesn’t have consistent rules or training. And, she says, every dog and situation is different.

Asked how Woody adapted to shared custody, Kalagas says she’s sure he loves it.

“He’s got two homes where he’s showered with love – not to mention all the toys, walks and treats. He’s used to the back and forth, and doesn’t bat an eyelid on swap-over day. In fact, he gets super jazzed.”

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