It’s not selfish not to want kids. It’s selfish to have them

Columnist Genevieve Novak has written of her decision not to reproduce. “Until I wake up absolutely sure that I can’t live another day without that imaginary baby,” she declared, “I think I’ll stay on this path: selfish and fine with it.”

Well, sorry, Genevieve, but you’re making a mistake. And I’m a mother, so I can say this with authority: you’re not making a mistake choosing to remain childless; there are moments (sometimes days) when that sounds glorious to me.

The choice to have your own child is always self-serving.Credit:

You are mistaken for calling yourself selfish because it is not at all selfish not to have a baby. If anything, it is selfish to have one.

I’ve had three babies and none were born of an act of altruism. Every time I had a child I did so for me. I had my first baby because I really wanted a child. I had my second baby because the first was adorable and I wanted another. I had a third baby because I felt my family was incomplete. After she was born, I was done.

How was all of this procreation selfless? I certainly didn’t do it for the welfare of my unborn babies. They weren’t sitting plaintively in limbo, waiting anxiously to be conceived. I know this to be true because they remind me all the time: “I didn’t ask to be born, Mum! It was your choice to have kids!”

So whose interests was I serving when I decided to reproduce? I didn’t do it for the planet; we’re overcrowded already. Earth doesn’t need an additional three people burning fossil fuels, using resources and generating waste.

Did I reproduce for my country? No, I did not. I know capitalism requires us to keep having babies, to grow the economy and keep the wheels of enterprise churning. I know, too, that a country needs young people to care for the elderly in their frail years.

But I wasn’t thinking of this when I was trying to get pregnant. I wasn’t wondering how my kids would contribute to the GDP, or whether my as-yet-unconceived child would eventually work in a nursing home. I thought simply of how much I longed for a baby and how much I’d love it when it was in my arms.

Did I reproduce for humanity? Er, no, definitely not. There was no petition from the United Nations begging for me to procreate, requesting my genes be passed on for the benefit of humankind. I did it solely for me.

My husband was happy to have a child, but I was definitely the one most keen. My parents were thrilled to have grandchildren, but I didn’t have babies for their sakes. My elder kids were pleased with their younger siblings, but they would have been just as satisfied with a puppy.

I had my babies to meet my own needs. It was a purely selfish act.

Now, just because I am selfish doesn’t mean all those who give birth are, too. There are people who have babies for purely altruistic reasons. Surrogates, for example, who offer up their wombs so that others can have a child. People in relationships who are agnostic about having kids, who have a baby because their partner desperately wants to be a parent.

Adoption is selfless. Fostering for love is selfless.

But the choice to have your own child is always self-serving. We have a baby because we feel a strong biological imperative, or because we want to bond with our partner, or because we want someone to love unconditionally. We have a baby because we want to experience parenthood, or because we wish to leave a legacy, or because we think it will make us feel whole.

We might hope our babies will contribute positively to the world but we cannot guarantee they will. Even the nicest people can have really shitty kids; we just do what we can with what we get and hope for the best. Our baby might end up curing cancer or halting climate change, or they might spend their days in a basement trolling people online. They might become adults who are fulfilled and content, or they might be difficult and struggle their entire lives.

We take a risk with the world, and with our child’s future, when we make the decision to have a baby. If we were a little less selfish, a little more cautious, we might leave well enough alone.

Genevieve Novak might believe she is selfish for not wanting a baby but I strongly suspect she is no more or less selfish than me. Her decision to remain childless isn’t selfish at all. But changing her mind and having a kid very well might be.

Kerri Sackville is an author and regular columnist.