House prices and rents are forcing adult children back home. How should we handle it?

When we talk about people fighting on the “frontlines”, we usually mean soldiers at war. Or health workers during an epidemic.

But those being hammered by the latest crisis look just like you and me, and they’re battling in the privacy of their own homes.

Demographer Liz Allen says there has been a rise in recent years of people judging others as “immature, woke ‘snowflakes’ who can’t handle life”.Credit: iStock

“We see this kind of bombshell or simmering kind of conflict even in the best of family dynamics ... because when we’re around family we do tend to slot back into those established roles,” says Dr Liz Allen, a demographer at the Australian National University, about the flare-ups that she’s hearing are taking place in homes across Australia.

Allen is talking, of course, about what happens after a “boomerang kid” moves back home when they’re fully grown, in their twenties, thirties, and sometimes into their forties. Often this choice is driven by a need for financial assistance. This cultural trend has been on the rise for two decades, say experts. But it’s become turbocharged by COVID, record-breaking inflation and a housing crisis.

One common relationship problem that results? “The kid comes home, re-assumes that teenage kind of ‘Mum will do the washing, dad’ll do everything else, they’ll take care of my finances for me, and I’ll just come and go as I please’ [attitude] ... I think that strains the relationship,” says Allen.

Especially when grown-up mothers have come to a time in their life when they had finally – finally! – expected to no longer be the person who’s organising how everyone will be fed, says Professor Lynn Craig, who studies gender and the division of labour at The University of Melbourne. “As a social phenomenon, the lack of ability for the entire generation to individuate, they call it ‘failure to launch’. It’s actually extremely difficult for a lot of people.”

Then there’s the financial fallout.

“It’s like a vicious cycle, because of the cost-of-living crisis, you have to stay with your parents; maybe, yes, in the short term it alleviates [the kids’] financial stress, but in the long term it actually deprives you of the opportunity to take charge and manage your own finances,” says Angel Zhong, an associate professor of finance at RMIT, who has conducted research on this topic.

Then there’s the stress that lands on their parents.

“Because, you know, they [the grown parents] lent [money] to their children in a lower interest environment, some of them took out a deposit, some of them even used their property as equity to borrow for their kids,” says Zhong. “We are in one of the most rapidly rising interest rate environments. So not only the young generation are suffering, the ‘Bank of Mum and Dad’ is suffering as well. Because now they’re suffering from cash flow difficulties, as well as the commitment they made to their children. It’s like a double whammy.”

Is it all bad news?

Not even close, says Edgar Liu, a senior research fellow at The University of NSW’s City Futures Research Centre.

In some cases, the arrangement leads to vastly improved relationships between parents and their children, says Liu, who interviewed Australians aged between their late teens and their 30s about the “boomerang child” trend, last year.

“I remember this one family where the daughter came home with her two kids because she got divorced,” says Liu, adding that her relationship with her father, in particular, was boosted by her move. “[She said] ‘I’m actually quite friendly with my dad now, we’re not antagonistic or nasty anymore.’”

In many cases the grown-up children developed a greater sense of compassion towards their parents because they began to view them as another adult with whom they made joint decisions, rather than just their parent, says Liu.

“It was just a greater sense of understanding of where their parents are coming from,” he says. “They’re a housemate now, they may be a bit more understanding of the decisions that they’re making or the different kinds of conversations they might have.”

Interestingly, the best and worst aspects of the grown kids’ experience moving home were the same thing.

“Even though more than half of them said ‘We did this for financial reasons’, what they liked the best wasn’t the financial outcome ... the thing they liked most was just having companionship, just knowing someone is there when you go home,” says Liu.

“But the lack of privacy [is what they liked least]. I remember this woman we interviewed, she said ‘Oh it’s great, there’s always someone home, but at the same time, there’s always someone home’.”

So, how to best handle this challenging arrangement that, say experts, isn’t going anywhere anytime soon?

“Setting boundaries, you’ve got to set boundaries,” says Allen, referring to matters like the economic structure of the household, and how long the adult child, or children, will be staying. “You’ve got to be able to ensure that each of the parties involved maintains their independence, but this requires a renegotiation of roles.”

She also has a message for those standing on the sidelines, who may judge boomerang kids for being emotionally immature, despite their decision to move home being a rational response to the difficult economic realities that have pushed them out of the housing ownership or rental market.

“Certainly, in the last five years, this notion of immature, woke snowflakes who can’t handle life, and have to return home to be mothered [has proliferated],” she says.

“[But] what are the good things that we’re learning from this?” says Allen. “I think that the recognition that ... the notion of the family has been reimagined. And that is good. Think of the families that have always been left out of this nuclear family of mum and dad and kids. People who choose to be child-free, people who are queer, blended families.”

“I think that we should celebrate,” Allen adds. “Not because we’re seeing the nuclear family eroded, but because we’re making space for the diversity in families that have always existed, and have been hidden. And discriminated against.”

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