Have I offended you? Why it can be good (and bad) to take umbrage

For comedian Ricky Gervais, offending people is essential to his craft. Indeed, his jokes depend on some degree of offence, or an awareness that it could offend someone.

“I say something I don’t really mean for comic effect, and you, as an audience, laugh at the wrong thing because you know what the right thing is. I challenge them to be offended,” he said in an interview in 2021.

“You have to provoke!” he says.

While offending people can be part and parcel of comedy – and audiences are usually in on the joke – being offended in everyday life can be an entirely different experience.

Ricky Gervais has become known for his ability to offend on stage, but it’s a different experience for most in real life.Credit: Aresna Villanueva/Netflix

Why do we get offended?

“We take offence when we believe someone has violated a value or social norm that we care about,” says Professor Nick Haslam of the Melbourne School of Psychological Sciences at the University of Melbourne.

“It could be someone behaving in a way we see as immoral, displaying bad taste or poor manners, or expressing an opinion we strongly disagree with,” he says.

This response has a purpose, Haslam says, to communicate to other people that their actions have crossed a line.

“Expressing our sense of being offended shows the person that we disapprove of what they have done or who they are for doing it – and that we think they should stop,” he says.

Dr Emma Marshall of the School of Psychology at Deakin University says taking offence can also serve as a form of protection from what we perceive as a social threat.

“When we feel offended, it is likely that we perceive a threat to our image or self-image,” she says. “We think that person doesn’t regard us highly or has a negative perception of us.”

Often it is those close to us that can cause the most offence because they know us intimately and because “these are the people we are the most dependent on”, Marshall says.

Why are some more easily offended than others?

Clinical psychologist and author Dr Rebecca Ray says what influences a person’s likelihood of taking offence depends on factors such as personality, upbringing, past wounds, context and, to some extent, their job.

“Public-facing roles can build thicker skin over time, but they can also heighten sensitivity because you’re constantly exposed to feedback,” Ray says. “On the other hand, if you live a more isolated life, you might feel more vulnerable when conflict or challenge arises, simply because you’re less practised at navigating it.”

Public-facing jobs can help some develop a thicker skin for dealing with offence but can also heighten sensitivity.Credit: Getty Images

Another aspect that is often linked to taking offence, or taking less offence, is ageing. The idea is that as we get older, the less we care about what people think.

Ray says that, in reality, it depends on educational opportunities, cultural conditioning and pivotal life experiences, especially relational trauma or times when we feel deeply rejected or not accepted.

“Life experience generally helps us gain perspective and emotional regulation,” Ray says. “That said, it also depends on our self-awareness and whether we’ve done any inner work. Without that, our patterns may just get more deeply ingrained.”

What are the pros and cons of taking offence?

Like the psychological response of “fight, flight or freeze”, taking offence may serve a protective purpose, but it can also cause more harm than good.

“We might withdraw and devalue the relationship, we might have less trust in others, and we might be more hypervigilant to threats,” Marshall says. “Social connections are robustly associated with life satisfaction, wellbeing and health, so pulling away from close relationships will most likely come at a cost.”

Haslam says that constantly being offended can also make life pretty miserable.

“People who are always taking offence are going to be chronically angry and annoyed about the world, which is no recipe for happiness,” he says. “They can also come across as judgmental and easily upset.”

But there can also be positives to taking offence, making the reaction important because some behaviour and opinions are objectionable and shouldn’t be tolerated.

“We want people to take offence and stand up to unfair and antisocial behaviour,” Haslam says. “If no one took offence and expressed disapproval, people might not realise their behaviour is out of line and would be more likely to continue it, and other people would not learn community standards.”

Not taking offence can also imply you care about nothing and that you will tolerate anything.

“Being apathetic and untroubled by genuinely awful behaviour is not something to aspire to.”

So, it may be beneficial to retain the capacity to feel offended but get better at managing how we express it, Haslam says.

“We respond in ways that are effective and constructive.”

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