Happy new year? Not for me, unless we ban these annoyances

Some people make resolutions – I create lists of things to ban.

I originally had 10 items, including farting on planes (at the very least, we should ban Mexican food in airport departure lounges) – yet after considering all of mankind’s deepest problems, from violent conflicts to global warming, I’ve condensed it down to the essentials:

Leave it out: Petrol-powered leaf blowers have been banned around the world, but not here.Credit: iStock

Standing too close to someone at a self-checkout: Hell is other people, especially at the supermarket. What is it with people who, rather than waiting patiently at the head of the self-checkout queue, will sidle up and hover over your shoulder while you’re still checking out your groceries? What makes this even creepier is when there are other terminals they can lurk behind: but for some reason they decided on yours.

This is such a common problem that online forums are filled with suggestions on what to do – the most popular one, of course, being to pass gas. Since I lack the intestinal fortitude to fart on command (and I’m a civilised human being), I instead propose cattle prodding these cretins until they respect our personal space. After all, supermarkets are supposed to be society’s cornerstones of conformity: the least we can do in them is behave.

The term “content creator”: Everyone thinks they’re a content creator these days. It drives me nuts. Having a social media account does not make you a creator; it makes you someone with too much time on your hands. And being an influencer doesn’t mean your opinion matters more – it just means you’re shameless enough to ask for free stuff.

What truly worries me, though, is when professionals start calling themselves content creators.

The other day I walked past a place that called itself a content-creation studio. Not knowing what that meant, I had a closer look. It was a photographer. If you’re a photographer, call yourself a photographer. If you’re a writer, say you’re a writer. If you’re an influencer, you’re a deadbeat.

I’d like to ask all of you to ban the term “content creator”, but I might not need to. Thanks to the Australian government’s upcoming ban of social media for those under 16, coupled with social media companies’ inability to keep their platforms engaging (Facebook, anyone?), social media as we know it might soon be as dated as VCRs. As such, let’s roll on to my next grievance:

Petrol leaf blowers: I know, I know: we’ve all heard people bitch about leaf blowers, which are about as popular as writers who create lists of things to ban. And yet, they’re still here: driving us insane as they drown us in noise and fumes.

No wonder they’re being banned around the world, from California to Edinburgh. What I want to know is, why aren’t they banned here? It’s not like they even do a good job. I’ve yet to see someone actually pick up the leaves afterwards and throw them in the compost: instead, they simply spend a solid hour of polluting and creating noise just to shift a pile of leaves from one end to another.

And yes, it takes an hour, as chasing leaves with a blower is like herding cats. Talking of time: an hour of using a blower creates as much pollution as driving a car from Melbourne to Brisbane. (That’s according to the California Air Resources Board.) For blowing leaves. Across a bloody yard.

Enough’s enough. Revolution’s in the air, comrades, and it smells like two-stroke petrol. If you’re peeved by petrol, complain to your local council or the state government, sign a petition (it’ll take seconds to find one online) – and when none of that works, superglue some fake leaves to the ground just to taunt those leaf-blowing bastards.

Honking and siren noises on the radio: No one listens to the radio unless they’re driving – so why do the sadists on our airwaves insist on using sirens and car-honking noises during promos and ads? Well, probably because they’re sadists. Driving is stressful and dangerous enough without hearing fake honks (especially while changing lanes) – and I’d argue those honks are as irresponsible as yelling fire in a crowded restaurant for giggles.

I’d like to say you should file a complaint – but Ad Standards has already received complaints in the past and dismissed them. If this makes you angry, try honking. Preferably outside your nearest radio station.

Dan Kaufman teaches writing, editing and media training at Media Survival.