Feel like the ‘less successful’ sibling? Here’s how to cope

The kayak cross at the Paris Olympics was exhilarating for two reasons. Firstly, it was introduced to the Games only this year. Secondly, it saw two Australian sisters, who happen to be some of the strongest paddlers in the world, come bow to bow.

On Sunday, Jess and Noémie Fox hit the water to determine who would progress to the quarter-finals the following day. The latter clinched the win, going on to win the gold medal. But despite Noémie’s victory, practically every headline still mentioned her sister Jess, a three-time Olympic gold medallist.

The kayak cross win by Noémie Fox (left) was described as stepping out of her sister Jess’ shadow. Why are so many siblings pitted against each other?Credit: AP

“Noémie Fox emulates sister Jess by winning Paris 2024 gold with kayak cross victory,” The Guardian wrote. Elsewhere, the ABC described Noémie’s achievement as “stepping out of sister Jess’ shadow.”

For those with siblings, this may sound all too familiar. Whether it’s the fact that your sister owns a house while you rent, or that your brother got promoted at work while you stagnate, sibling rivalry can be as common as it is brutal. Why do so many of us struggle with these feelings of inadequacy, and is there a way to overcome them?

Why do I feel like I’m living in my sibling’s shadow?

Sibling rivalry is generally a normal part of family functioning, says Paul Rhodes, a lecturer at the University of Sydney and clinical psychologist specialising in family therapy. We are wired to compare ourselves to others as a way of developing our sense of fairness, justice and self-esteem. Since our siblings are some of the first people we interact with regularly, it makes sense we would compare ourselves to them so frequently.

Feeling as if you’re always in your sibling’s shadow? You’re far from the only one.Credit: Shutterstock

“Perhaps the parent is busy or preoccupied, so the child feels they are competing for affection, time or closeness,” Rhodes says. “Perhaps one child is seen as more gifted than another, although this may be only a perception, or a parent is closer to one specific child because of similar personalities.”

This kind of comparison can sometimes result in arguments, withdrawal from the family, and festering resentment, Rhodes says, all of which can develop during childhood and continue into adulthood.

However, Celia Hoi-yan Chan, a professor in social work at the University of Melbourne, says sibling rivalries can also help develop certain social skills and foster healthy competition, bringing some people closer together.

“Within the family environment, siblings learn to navigate or resolve conflicts, negotiate differences, and even compromise, all of which are important skills for building relationships in society,” Chan says.

How can I cope with these feelings?

Australian Association of Psychologists president Sahra O’Doherty suggests examining the expectations placed on yourself. “Figure out whether those expectations are healthy and helpful to you. Are they actually things that are valuable to you, and do you want to pursue them?”

After all, success looks different to everyone. Winning a race, finding love, landing a well-paid job: any of these things could be considered indicators of success, and are prioritised differently depending on each individual.

Arguably the most important step towards overcoming feelings of inadequacy, O’Doherty says, is accepting difference.

“When we start to accept difference, we’re not thinking about ranking, rating or competition, which feeds into that sense of rivalry. We’re basically just taking each person on their merits and on their holistic, whole self,” she says.

This will subsequently make celebrating a sibling’s victory easier, as we come to understand their success is entirely separate from our own. In Noémie and Jess’ case, the latter would certainly have felt the loss after the race, yet was able to separate that emotion from feelings of pride and joy for her sister.

“We can experience both emotions at the same time. One emotion doesn’t negate or diminish the other,” O’Doherty says.

What if others are always comparing us?

When parents, teachers or peers compare siblings, it’s usually because they’re trying to recognise a pattern between them, something most humans instinctively do.

“Let’s say the eldest sibling has gone through the school and achieved a lot. Then the next sibling enters school and suddenly, there are high bars set by the elder sibling,” O’Doherty says. “It’s again a matter of separating yourself from those expectations, noticing that they actually have nothing to do with you. They’re being put on you unfairly by people who don’t yet know your strengths and weaknesses.”

Setting boundaries and communicating honestly with teachers and parents can encourage everyone to reflect on their behaviours and biases, Chan adds. “Of course, parents should provide that emotional space for children to share.”

Finally, Rhodes says it’s important to explore your own unique gifts, while simultaneously accepting your vulnerabilities. “A lot of distress can be caused by comparing ourselves with others. Focusing on your own progress makes for less anxiety.”

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