Does polyamory make you happier? Yes, but there may be a throuple of hurdles

In the 19th century, French novelist Alexandre Dumas wrote: “The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to bear them … sometimes three.”

Looking around these days, I’d add “three, four … maybe more” as the non-monogamous options available – ranging from open relationships to polygamy – seemingly exceed the flavours at my local gelataria.

Polyamory can make people happier, but it requires open, honest communication.Credit: Istock

An intriguing variant is polyamory. Based on the idea that you can’t get all your romantic needs met from one person, it involves having multiple, open, committed relationships. It’s not just about sex – polyamorists also seek deep connection and a sense of community.

Polyamory is fascinating because it presents three psychological challenges relevant to us all, monogamists or not.

Nick and Tracey married over 10 years ago. As the early flames of passion petered out, hastened by the arrival of two children, Tracey suggested a surprising solution. That Nick sources the intimacy and romance he craves from someone else.

“Initially, I was really offended,” he confessed. “I was programmed to be monogamous. But then I thought this might enhance my relationship with Tracey, not detract from it.”

The first challenge of polyamory is how to discuss it. What happens if your partner is hurt, shocked or upset?

Melbourne psychologist Javiera Dastres, whose practice includes helping clients navigate non-monogamous relationships, suggests you start by reflecting on why you want to explore this option and what you would like to achieve. Anticipate that your proposal may trigger insecurity and uncertainty. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Be clear about expectations and set ground rules.

And once the show hits the road, what do you share with your primary partner? How much detail is too much detail?

“It’s a craft.” Nick says. “You have to be sensitive to what they want to know – and that changes from time to time.”

This emphasis on sensitivity and communication is reflected in the research. When asked to assess their “satisfaction with the communication within their relationship”, those in non-monogamous relationships respond with higher ratings.

Another whopper psychological challenge is dealing with jealousy. I put it to Dastres that polyamory is probably not a good idea for anyone prone to the green-eyed monster. She assured me that research shows “jealousy pops up just as much in monogamous relationships as in non-monogamous ones”.

“Jealousy is actually a combination of fear, worry and anxiety,” she continues. Rather than trying to avoid it, “drill down and ask what is the jealousy trying to tell you”.

This makes good sense. Yet I couldn’t help feeling that we’re “fighting Mother Nature”, as Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, put it.

Fisher argues that humans are hard-wired to be jealous, although she concedes it’s possible to overcome this through open dialogue, honesty, and patience. These psychological efforts can lead to “compersion” – feeling good about the emotional and sexual satisfaction of your partner, even though you’re not doing the satisfying. A tall order, I reckon.

It’s no surprise that many who try polyamory feel they gain substantially from the effort. As well as a greater variety of sexual and non-sexual activities, which you’d expect, they specifically describe individual growth and development as well.

It seems they share more, with more people, and get more out of it.

You may be wondering how Nick and Tracey dealt with their curious kiddies, especially as there were now two new adults regularly sleeping over and actively involved in the family’s life. Their strategy was to be age-appropriately honest and openly discuss each person’s role in the family. They were somewhat surprised when their kids welcomed the new arrangements “as if there was another baby on the way”.

Another challenge polyamory presents is finding the time to juggle multiple romantic relationships, on top of everything else. You’d hope having all these extra adults around would translate into more help for domestic chores.

Nick explained: “We’re all obsessed with Google Calendar, checking it all the time.”

Priority setting is a high priority. “What am I doing this weekend? Who do I want to spend time with?”

Tracey’s view was that “what goes missing is time alone … that’s the trade-off”.

So, how many people practise polyamory, and is it increasing?

US statistics from 2021 put the figure at 4 to 5 per cent of the population. Australian numbers are not available, but are likely to be similar.

Dastres describes increasing interest in polyamory among her clients. Google searches into the topic are mushrooming.

Nearly 100 years ago, Freud reckoned that civilisation was built on the repression of our instincts. Nick’s spin on this idea is: “Decide for yourself which societal rules you’ll follow. It’s the best arrangement I could have – I will never go back.”

Peter Quarry is a retired psychologist and writer.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.