Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? It depends

I’m one of those people who start to feel emotional the moment the wheels of a plane leave the tarmac. There’s some science behind this phenomenon – low oxygen levels and air pressure inside the ears – which explains why you’re more likely to feel weepy while soaring through the atmosphere drinking orange juice from little cups.

When I’ve been in a relationship, that aeroplane sadness has often been connected to feelings of missing my partner and other embarrassing sentiments. While this is sappy, it’s also been a compelling anecdotal truth about the proverb “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, because missing someone to such an extent that you’re crying during the flight attendant’s safety demonstration is surely proof.

As many long-distance couples would agree, always being together isn’t necessarily a marker of a strong relationship.Credit: iStock

But the more I think about the phrase, the more I wonder, is it just about the sensation of missing someone? Or is there actually a tangible benefit to spending time apart from the person you love?

Quality over quantity

“While there may be a foundation for the idea that absence can make the heart grow fonder, higher emotional closeness in relationships is often reported in couples that spend ‘quality’ time together,” says Dr Raquel Peel, a senior lecturer in psychology at RMIT.

“This is to say that it is not so much about quantity of time together – physically or remotely – rather it is about quality.”

In long-term or co-habitual relationships, it’s often easy to spend a lot of time together, while not intentionally enjoying your time together.

Peel says it’s possible that couples who prioritise high-quality time together – going on dates, planning trips or setting aside time to talk – will feel emotionally closer to their partner. This means that regardless of whether absence does make the heart grow fonder, always being together is no guarantee of a good relationship either.

Taking space

So, should we still be seeking out time away from our partners? While having individual interests, friends and pastimes is healthy, is there ever a benefit to taking more official time apart or following the infamous lead of Ross and Rachel in Friends by going “on a break”?

Peel points out that time apart can be a useful tool when a relationship is going through a rocky period, as long as it’s part of a commitment by both partners to actually work on the issues causing strife. This can help you reflect on the causes of the conflict – without being in an emotionally intense situation.

Going the distance

But what about relationships where being apart isn’t optional? Anyone who has suffered through the pain and incessant yearning of a long-distance relationship would probably want to break expensive vases at the idea that they have their perks.

“The internet has undoubtedly facilitated long-distance dating and marriages by providing numerous platforms for seamless and virtually cost-free communication,” says Dr Lisa Portolan, a writer and casual academic who specialises in digital intimacies and online dating.

Making the most of your quality time together is vital.Credit: iStock

Portolan explains that historically, long-distance communication evolved from letters, which took weeks or months to arrive, to phone calls with often unreliable connections. Social media, despite its curated nature, allows us to feel connected to someone far away by offering glimpses into their lives, fostering and maintaining emotional bonds.

“Love, at its core, is a blend of reality and imagination, where we build meaning and envision a shared future with our partners,” she says. “The physical separation sometimes makes this imaginative process more vivid, and the internet provides a space for such creativity. The shared jokes, memes, links to articles and mutual references become the glue that binds them, creating a unique bond that sets them apart as a couple.”

According to Portolan, long-distance relationships can actually preserve the mystery and kindness of the initial stages of a romance, and help avoid the decline in intimacy and libido that many long-term relationships experience.

“For instance, one couple attributed the success of their long-term relationship to their frequent work travels. They believed that the constant distance kept the mystery alive, allowing them to continually discover new aspects of each other.”

It seems like, scientifically, you could seriously claim that absence can make the heart grow fonder – but isn’t always a guaranteed outcome. The one thing that connects every expert’s advice is that the absence has to be done both intentionally and with a clear end in sight.

“My research underscores the essential need for face-to-face interaction in sustaining love – romantic love in particular,” says Portolan.

“While the internet can facilitate a significant degree of connection and imagination, it can only go so far. Ultimately, real physical presence – bodies in a shared space – is irreplaceable.”

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