An unhappy marriage creeps up on you. These are the signs that it may be over

Panic set in this week when I feared I was slipping into a hypoglycemic coma. I was about to rush off to emergency when it dawned on me that it was simply an overdose of sugary-sweet Valentine’s Day sentimentality.

If you’re heartsick this Valentine’s Day, just remember that love is curable in a way that, say, a close encounter with a great white shark is not.Credit: Getty Images

Love is so complicated, not even Einstein ever managed to explain it. The commercial syrupification of Valentine’s Day puts such pressure on us to all be coupled up. But my divorced female friends love being single in their 60s. Yes, love keeps you warm … but so does a goose down duvet. Breaking up is hard, but not as hard as staying in a loveless marriage.

If you’re in a happy, loving, long-term relationship, still doing the horizontal tango and laughing at each other’s jokes, well, you’ve won life’s lottery. But from honeymoon to tomb can be a very long time to find each other’s anecdotes interesting – and vice versa. Sometimes the light of your life can turn out to be a bad match.

If your partner has proved to be unfaithful, cruel, controlling or neglectful, don’t waste another moment being miserable. Think of him as toxic waste. In other words – dump him. Yes, it may have been love at first sight … but then you took a second look and realised you didn’t fall in love, you stepped in it – and it’s time to wipe him off your shoes.

So, how to break the news? When he asks, “What’s up?” why not just reply: “The warranty on our marriage.” Explain that you’ll always love him. It’s just his life philosophy, infidelity, male pseudo-feminism and/or rotten, dirty-dingo lying you can’t tolerate. Still, you’ll always cherish the initial misconceptions you had about him – the two-faced worm. When he whines, “Where did our love go?” simply answer, “To the charity shop, with the rest of your stuff.” Perhaps you can auction him on eBay? “For sale. One husband. Has had just one careful lady owner.”

But what if he dumps you? An unhappy marriage creeps up on you, like bad underwear. One day, it will just dawn on you that your partner no longer loves you. It’s as obvious as a pre-1990 nose job. Your husband’s love is fading away, like the end of a pop song on the radio.

When traded in by husbands for younger models, it can be tempting to make a misguided lunge for the wine bottle. Next will be the peroxide bottle.

When he tells you he wants a divorce, you’ll feel sick to your stomach. Was it something you ate? Yes, your wedding cake.

When traded in by husbands for younger models, it can be tempting to make a misguided lunge for the wine bottle. Next will be the peroxide bottle. Just make sure not to get them confused. You may give up eating. Or rather, eating may give up you. But, when grief-stricken, my tendency is not to skip a meal … even if it’s only four or five courses an hour.

Breaking up is a romantic triple zero. When you’ve been addicted, there are bound to be withdrawal symptoms, so get thee to romance rehab. Start by making mental notes of all his misdemeanours then recite them like a mantra. Do this daily, and I promise that you’ll start to feel better. Yep, soon, whole seconds will elapse when you won’t think of him. I also suggest you give up chocolate; you’ll miss the chocolate so much, you won’t miss him.

Of course, more often it’s the wife who breaks the state of Holy Deadlock. Over the past five years, more divorces in Australia were initiated by women than men. Now that women are economically independent, there’s no longer any need to fake a happy marriage. And, of course, divorce is not a failure – it’s just a change, and change can be a good thing, so do try to salvage a friendship. (I adore both my ex-husbands. We probably get on better now than when we were married!)

So, if you’re heartsick this Valentine’s Day, just remember that love is curable in a way that, say, a close encounter with a great white shark is not. You will eventually get over him. While it’s true that it once took me two years to get over a bloke I’d never met – he was Davy Jones of The Monkees, and I was prepubescent – I did recover. But whinge for longer than a year about how much you miss that mongrel and even your dog will file for divorce.

Romance is love without reality attached – a foolish longing for life minus mortgages, lawn mowing, flu doses and dentists. What women need is equality, not romance. But a man who treats you as an equal? Well, there’s nothing more romantic than that.

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