According to Oprah, it’s life-altering. So what is the ‘let them’ theory?

From looksmaxxing to gross girls, TikTok has introduced us to many new ideas, many of them questionable. However, more recently, it’s given us the “let them” theory, and I’m as surprised as anyone to say it’s actually taught me something of significance.

As a socially anxious overthinker, I spend a considerable amount of time and energy worrying about other people – and not just in a general sense. My specific brand of worry homes in on life’s abundance of trivialities, like fretting over past conversations with friends and hoping my well-intentioned comments on parenting were received as such.

According to Robbins, when we let people behave how they’re going to, it frees us from the task of trying to manage, change or control them. Credit: Getty Images

Coming across an idea that encourages letting people think badly of or judge you has been eye-opening, to say the least. And I’m not the only one noticing these benefits.

What is the “let them” theory?

Oprah Winfrey described The Let Them Theory book as “life altering”.

Popularised by American author and podcaster Mel Robbins, the theory is a two-part mindset hack.

The first part – “let them” – promotes letting people do what they’re going to do rather than tying yourself in knots about what they might say, do or think. The idea being that you stop draining your precious time and energy over things you can’t ultimately control (other people).

The second part of the theory – “let me” – focuses on taking responsibility for what you can control (yourself).

Robbins first made waves with the theory in a 2023 Instagram post that racked up more than a million likes, and a TikTok that currently has over 19 million views. The theory has resonated so deeply with some, it’s even inspired tattoos.

It’s also the motivation behind Robbins’ latest book, The Let Them Theory. Published in the US in December and Australia in January, it’s become an instant New York Times bestseller.

In an interview with Robbins late last year, Oprah Winfrey described the book as “life-altering” and “one of the best self-help books I’ve ever read”.

How can it help you?

The “let them” theory can be applied to all manner of situations. Friends making plans without you? Let them. Then, let me be more proactive about reaching out to people.

Dating someone who’s sending you mixed signals? Let them confuse you. Then, let me decide if this is someone I actually want in my life.

According to Robbins, when we let people behave how they’re going to, it frees us from the burdensome and often futile task of trying to manage, change or control others. This leads to a greater sense of calm and control over our own lives.

“The ‘let them’ theory can empower individuals by reducing over-responsibility and promoting autonomy,” says Nahum Kozak, a senior psychologist at Lighthouse Relationships.

The theory, Kozak says, is particularly helpful for people suffering from anxiety or trauma, as well as those who over-empathise, take on too much responsibility or cater to others.

In a TikTok with 5.6 million views, creator @abefromanx explains how the theory has improved her relationships saying: “The sooner you’re able to … free yourself from … believing that you have more power over people than you do, is when you actually get to enjoy relationships because you don’t feel attached to outcomes.”

What to keep in mind

It’s important to remember that the theory is made up of two parts. Stopping at “let them” without implementing “let me” can lead to passivity, avoidance or isolation. Robbins also advises that the theory is primarily designed for use by adults.

Understanding this is not a one-size-fits-all solution is also important.

“This is not a silver bullet to solving life’s problems,” says Dr Zena Burgess, chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society. “These approaches tend to be presented as if they can solve nearly anything. Human dynamics are much more complicated than that.”

“The ‘let them’ theory is just one strategy, but be aware you might need several tools in your toolkit. If you need help, reach out and ask for it,” says Kozak.

Letting adults do what they want to do isn’t always easy. However, in my experience, truly understanding you can’t control or change anyone but yourself has a profound way of lightening your load. Whichever way you come to this understanding, it’s no doubt a valuable lesson.

And while the “let them” theory hasn’t altogether vanquished my anxiety, it has helped me push through some related fears and emboldened me to do things I’d ordinarily talk myself out of.

As for whether it’s right for you, well, that’s just something I’ll have to let you decide.

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