The unexpected upside to menopause that nobody warned me about

Recently, a trend has been taking place in a particular corner of social media. Founded by American Melani Sanders, it’s called the “We do not care” movement, and it’s giving perimenopausal and menopausal women around the world a rallying cry for a common experience.

Her videos feature deadpan, joyful announcements of things she no longer gives a toss about, like wearing bras (“they suffocate us”), hiding bloat that makes us look pregnant (“but we’re not”), and apologising for the presence of cellulite when we wear shorts (“we’ve got them, we wear them”).

More than just a viral moment, there’s a scientific reason behind the phenomenon of women no longer caring about societal norms.Credit: Marija Ercegovac

With 1.1 million Instagram followers, Sanders’ movement has been joined by the likes of actor Ashley Judd, who proudly confessed to wearing her nightgown past the point of hygiene and using its hem to dry her hands, forgetting her shoes and going barefoot around town, and skipping chin-hair plucking and hair brushing because she doesn’t care any more.

Presenter Shelly Horton has also joined in, saying Australian women “don’t care about hiding our age … We count it like toddlers now. I’m 51 and 9 months – because we’ve earned every damn month.”

More than just a viral moment, there’s a scientific reason behind the phenomenon of women no longer caring about societal norms. As women enter perimenopause our estrogen levels drop, and this decline in the so-called “caretaker hormone” results in our compulsion to please falling away. The people-pleasing, the emotional labour, the self-policing – all of it starts to fade as the grip it once had loosens. And in its place is something wild and freeing.

According to the 2021 Australian census, about 4.3 million Australians are women aged between 45 and 64, while about 2.1 million women are aged 65 and over. This translates to more than 6 million people who are currently navigating, or have previously navigated, menopause.

Though perimenopause – the transitional lead-up – can begin as early as 40 and last between four and 10 years, menopause typically occurs between the ages of 45 and 55, with the average age being 51. That’s roughly a decade or more of hormonal turbulence, brain fog, sleep disruptions and mood swings, all while still working, parenting or caregiving. No wonder we hit a point where we just stop caring; it’s not apathy, it’s survival.

With 80 per cent of women experiencing symptoms, it’s time we stopped whispering and started shouting about what this stage really looks like. We sweat through sheets, cry at commercials, forget the word for “dishwasher” mid-sentence, and experience anxiety spikes that make us question reality. But in the midst of this chaos, a strange liberation appears. For the first time, we’re not hormonally tricked into putting others’ needs first.

I used to lie awake at night replaying conversations, torturing myself for saying the wrong thing. Now I take a sleeping pill and slide into guilt-free slumber. The people I used to coddle, justify and excuse? I’ve let many go – even the ones I share DNA with. A peaceful, drama-free life beats the strain of managing everyone else’s emotions.

For decades, I wore my hair long, dyed, styled, and heat-damaged into submission. Now it’s short, air-dries in 10 minutes, and if I forget to brush it, my fingers do the job just fine.

This apathy – or rather, this joyful indifference – has also unlocked a surge of creativity. I used to dream of starting a podcast but never dared. Who’d want to hear a middle-aged woman talk about writing and life? Then one day, I bought a secondhand armchair and, in a fever-dream of confidence, recorded my first episode. I didn’t overthink it. I didn’t worry if people would listen. I just made something. And that act of creation has brought me pure joy.

Ten years ago, I bought an expensive webcam to “build an online presence”. I never used it – too scared to put my face or voice out there. Today, I record content weekly, camera on, heart open.

In Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner is told, “Build it, and they will come.” These days, I say, “Think it, and it will appear.”

I think back on all the time I wasted second-guessing myself, swallowed by doubt and shame. How much of our culture is designed to keep women preoccupied with nonsense? Dieting, plucking, bleaching, smoothing – all distractions from our brilliance, our anger, our wildness, our power.

This generation of women has had enough. We do not care any more — and in that not-caring, we are finally free to be ourselves. And it’s glorious.

Amra Pajalić is an author, podcaster, and educator.

Get a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up for our Opinion newsletter.