Has parenting really become too hard? Experts certainly believe so

Last month, the US surgeon general Dr Vivek Murthy wrote about the abundant joys of parenting, but also warned of a looming public health crisis. “As fulfilling as parenting has been, the truth is it has also been more stressful than any job I’ve had,” he wrote for The New York Times.

Parents he met while travelling the country shared the same experiences of “feeling lost and exhausted”, Murthy continued, citing research that nearly half of mums and dads are overwhelmed by stress – nearly double that of childless adults.

Parenting has always been stressful, but now it’s different, experts say.Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A follow-up article last week, by a fellow Times journalist, suggested that parenting today is too hard and stressful.

But do we face the same crisis in Australia? If so, why?

Parenting has always filled us up and sucked us dry, but for the most part, it leaves us better off in heart and spirit. A brief look at the latest statistics, however, paints a grim picture.

In 1980, both parents worked in about 40 per cent of Australian households, compared with 71 per cent in 2022.

When it’s voluntary, that’s fine, but one recent poll of Australian parents found the vast majority don’t feel they have a choice and need two incomes just to survive. More than 60 per cent said they are struggling financially.

Meanwhile, the National Working Families survey of more than 6200 parents, published in June, found only half of respondents feel family-friendly work arrangements are supported. Working mums continue to bear the majority of caring load as well as household duties – nearly double that of men.

Historical expectations that women are innately prepared to do unpaid, invisible work means we tend not to recognise the load, says Georgie Dent, chief executive of The Parenthood. “Because that work has been undertaken by women for so long, it’s tempting to erase it.”

Unsurprisingly, the same report found stress levels are increasing, particularly among women.

Yet Australian men are typically working longer hours than ever before, while trying to be more actively involved in raising children. “It’s not easy for anyone,” says Associate Professor Elizabeth Westrupp, deputy associate head in the School of Psychology at Deakin University.

Alongside these stressors, an increasing awareness of the social, cognitive and emotional importance of engaging with our kids has become a blessing and a curse.

“In the ’90s, parents started to do things a bit differently to previous generations, and this is a good thing,” says Gen Muir, a parenting educator and author of Little People, Big Feelings. “They learnt that smacking your kids is not the best, and listening to them is a good idea.”

The newfound knowledge gave rise to the ideology of intensive parenting – the belief that the proper development of children requires lavishing large amounts of time and energy on them.

Despite less community support in raising children, it means employed mothers and fathers spend more time now with children than non-working mums did decades ago. And it means more money spent on extracurricular activities, as parents try to keep up and give their kids a leg-up in life.

“There’s no self-care left in the picture, there’s no fun, there’s no rest,” Muir says.

With an online environment that amplifies the comparison culture, many parents feel simultaneously stretched within an inch of their sanity and like they’re still not doing enough.

“Social media has led to more expectation and scrutiny around how we parent,” reflects Westrupp.

And all this against a backdrop of climate change, world issues, the lingering effects of the pandemic and insidious advertising to children, who grow up thinking they need more junk to be happy.

The experts agree that despite structural differences between Australia and the US, the parental stress and mental health issues are similar. So, what can we do?

Without community support to pick up the slack of raising children, we need better policies in place, Dent says. Those include access to quality childcare, greater relief from childcare fees and cost-of living expenses, work flexibility and paid parental leave.

“We lag the developed world,” Dent says. “In the OECD countries, the average length of paid leave families have access to is about 52 weeks. In Australia, it’s about 26 weeks.”

Stretched and stressed-out: something has to give.Credit: Getty Images

Westrupp agrees, adding that we need more online safety regulations, advertising restrictions, affordable mental health care, and to fix the “really tricky” problem of school hours.

“If we’re expecting two parents to work, it’s unsustainable that we have 9am to 3pm school hours,” she says, admitting she’s not sure what the answer is. “School is exhausting for kids … But I think it’s really stressful for working parents, particularly in the earlier years when children aren’t as independent.”

Finally, we may need to rethink the intensive way we parent, says Muir.

Research suggests that the quantity of time we spend with our kids matters far less than the quality of it. “What the evidence shows is just 10 minutes of fully focused one-on-one special time will meet a child’s emotional needs to top up their cup,” she says.

The amount of time we give inevitably varies day to day, but in-between moments matter too. Our children don’t need us for every second of the day, but they do notice if we light up when they walk into a room; if we look up from our phones when they talk to us; and if we can hold firm, kind boundaries.

Saying “no” sometimes to reclaim time and capacity can create the space to rediscover the joy of parenting. It’s doing less, but doing it with love.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup,” says Dent. “And when parents’ cups are empty, something has to give, and I think it’s their mental health.”

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